dream

I just woke up from a dream and wanted to document it before losing any of it by going back to sleep.

This dream was powerful. In the dream I was on a date with one of my ex-girlfriends. I won't say which one but it was one of the few who had a bigger impact on me when we broke up.

This date was a simple movie date. We were walking around a mall-like place before the movie started. In this dream I was doing what I usually do... going on dates with several women at once. I recall feeling a little feeling of being into her but wondering about other women at the same time. Basically it was very much like reality for me.

The conversation was good. It felt very real. Little details were there. Small asides we would say. The tiny details of a conversation. We were just walking around being ourselves. At one point I decided to let my guard down and pull her close. It felt good. I then did that thing where you sort of put your arms around her from behind while you two walk together.

She teared up and said this was only one of several times that this has happened to her. How it felt nice. I agreed and explained how I spend so much time alone. I was taken aback by her showing this kind of emotion. It was unexpected.

We continued to walk towards the movie theater. Not sure what happened at this point but basically as we walked the conversation turned and it we began to talk about things in a more negative light. Like the relationship might not work.

I suppose I was trying to make light of it and made her jump on my back and we picked up the pace because I noticed we were late to the movie.

The theater was in front of us now, down a big staircase. I jumped down some stairs and she kind of fell off my back. She wasn't hurt but we ended up sitting down on the steps for a second and talking.

At this point she broke into a monologue I have never heard from a woman. About being in love. And it was the most simple, rational and beautiful explanation I have ever heard. She was crying as she explained it to me. She was gorgeous as she sat on those steps and poured her thoughts out. Quiet. Passionate. Intense. A woman who knew exactly what she wanted from life. I could see in her eyes that this was a subject she had put a lot of thought into. She was talking to herself and me and the same time.

Most of what she said has faded at this point but I remember her describing to me the roles we would serve in each others lives from dating and beyond. The simple roles of male and female and what to expect from each other. What she expected from me. What she promised to offer me. The feelings this would bring each other. How our lives would be better because of it. I was blown away.

We then looked at our tickets and realized we were 15 minutes late. The movie had started. I said we were just in time to miss the previews so we got up and continued down the stairs. I woke up.

This dream was very simple. Yet I am really moved by it. It had an ending which most dreams do not. It felt important. I wanted exactly how she described things. She sold me. I could see myself actually letting myself fall for her.

Basically this was a dream about that moment where everything changes. There would be no turning back from a woman with this kind of self assurance and certainty of the kind of love she wants to give and receive. Sometimes I feel like I need that. To have an amazing woman break through my fear like this.

I'm sad I don't have something like that but happy to know my mind is obviously concerned with it. I was ready to put aside other women. I was ready to be everything she expected. I was ready to see what she could offer me and stop living my life in fear. I wanted to let my guard down and just be with someone. Something about the power of that mixed with your run of the mill movie date gave the dream something special.

I woke up as I do from all dreams that feel significant. Alert. Not groggy. Almost as if I wasn't even asleep. It made me realize how I have had few moments with a woman like that. And its really my fault. I fear caring for someone that intensely and that's no way to live.

Maybe it will happen for me. Not sure if it will be a beautiful monologue like that though. Wow.

My two friends who started dating have broken up. It boiled down to a trust issue that was born Saturday night. Drunken shenanigans. Nothing major. But she couldn't bring herself to trust him even though all signs point to her being able to. She says its how he handled the situation moreso than the situation itself. I can respect that.

Regardless... another one bights the dust.

As for me, I have two dates this week. I had one lined up yesterday but she said she got called into work and profusely apologized. How did I know it was legit? She suggested a raincheck date Thursday. Women who aren't interested never offer a second date opportunity, its just a nebulous excuse with no real attempt to try again. Not this one. Nice.

And holy moly is she hot. Way way hot.

I want to document some long-standing thoughts I have but I fear it coming off as whiny, thankless or pathetic. I have a great life and I truly believe this all the way down so Ill start off by saying that. Life is an amazing little gift and I wake up thankful for it most of the time.

So begin rant:

I'm not really sure how it is for most people but I have pretty much 0 family life. I'm an only child so no siblings. No wife or kids which is fine. That will come someday if I decide that's what I want. But I literally can go months without hearing from a single family member. And yes Facebook doesn't count. Fuck Facebook. It's brief and carefully constructed glimpse into people's lives has a way of softening the fact that your communication is next to nothing. Its a lie and tricks you into feeling like you are maintaining a relationship.

My family is shamefully divided. Our yearly meetups are nice but I dont feel we really have connection beyond basic pleasantries. And the connections we do have are never fully expressed or built on. I can't remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation with anyone in my family. I know its happened but it doesn't happen much. I honestly feel like I dont really know anyone very well at all. They are Thanksgiving conversations. Their dreams and ambitions are a total mystery to me. They are caricatures. The Neocon Uncle. The estranged adopted cousin. I talk more about life with my friends than my family. Is that normal?

It seems the only shred of an attempt to maintain connection comes with the cousins. We all agree we should stick together and get dialog going about it. Yet life comes up and the next thing you know its been 6 months and you haven't spoken to anyone.

I hear friends who say they talk to their family members frequently. They turn to each other for advice, call each other to check up and catch up. I have none of this and it starts to piss me off sometimes. My friends actually are my family because if I didnt have them I would get a phone call just about every 6 months. And I would have probably driven to San Francisco and jumped off the bridge years ago. My friends keep me sane.

I know its partly distance and each group has their own lives they are consumed with. Kids, jobs, their own relationships, illusions of some nature etc. But there is a definite divide with communication that I wonder if other families deal with. I often feel a pang of loneliness like I don't really have a family at all.

Now here is where my grown-up inner voice comes in:

"You could totally make the first move and call people to check up. Why are you waiting on them? You know they would be happy to hear from you. They have no clue you feel so isolated from them"

True that, voice.

Also I am more aware of the distance simply because I dont have a family of my own. I think when you are wrapped up in the daily life of a small nuclear family you forget you have outside members who miss you.

This is all something I am fully aware of so this little rant is not a total desperate plea as much as a deep annoyance. But honestly at some point you can only make the first move so much before you start to feel lame.

Miracles for Sale

There's a British magician/hypnotist who embarked on an amazing little experiment to take an ordinary man and turn him into a "faith healer" to expose the lies, greed and sometimes needless death that comes from this "industry".

Its probably the best documentary/reality show ideas ever and it had me glued. They created an entire background and website for this guy, taught him how to hypnotize people, and sent him to Texas (of course).

Here is the website they completely made up

Here is the show documenting the entire adventure from the actor selection process, to training him, to visiting other faith healers incognito etc. Awesome television that I'm guessing could never be made in the US.

Its hard to watch sometimes because they blatantly deceive good people but they do a good job of explaining that their mission is worth the momentary deception.

I don't have much to say about the movie theater shooting in Colorado. It reminds me that you never know what is going to happen to you and to really appreciate the time you've been given here.

I'm friends on Facebook with someone who actually lost a friend from it. Of course its Facebook, so the truth is I met her once in San Antonio playing a show, we became FB friends and that's it, but still sad to see someone I have met lose a good friend.

This person was actually featured on CNN. She was a beautiful aspiring reporter. Ironically, a few weeks ago she narrowly missed being in a mall shoot-out and wrote in her blog about how she is grateful for her life. Very sad.

You never think that something as harmless as going to see a movie will be your last moments. I've been very lucky with my life and fingers crossed I will continue to stay that way. Hoping those involved can make sense out of it and keep going.

So much wasted time. I don't want to do that anymore.

When I think about all the things I could have done with my time in my 20s, rather than chasing moronic women or sleeping in because I was hungover or something equally wasteful I get really upset with myself.

My current checklist of life enhancing things involve:

1. The boat rental thing.

Its going to be pricey for the first month but I have enough free time to really take advantage of the membership. Its only the weekdays because I am starting with their lowest package but I don't mind. Also it doesnt get dark until 9pm anyway so plenty of time to get out on the water with friends after work.

2. Music software

A few months ago I bought some software that I really got into. I was recording and losing track of time again. I came out of it with one song with a lot of potential. I let the trial expire so now I can't save anything until I buy the damn thing so I think Im just going to do that next month.

I don't want to let music creation slip out of my life and buying this software is the first step to getting back into it hardcore. I plan to create scratch tracks and show them to other musicians and get something else going someday soon. I am excited with the possibilities of starting a new project that I believe in 100%. Well  at least 90%.

Karen Klein

Just read about this. Happy to see she's getting some sort of retribution.

http://www.indiegogo.com/loveforkarenhklein?c=home

I could not make it through the entire video of the harrassment. The boys are a waste of cells and deserve severe punishment.