I want to document some long-standing thoughts I have but I fear it coming off as whiny, thankless or pathetic. I have a great life and I truly believe this all the way down so Ill start off by saying that. Life is an amazing little gift and I wake up thankful for it most of the time.

So begin rant:

I'm not really sure how it is for most people but I have pretty much 0 family life. I'm an only child so no siblings. No wife or kids which is fine. That will come someday if I decide that's what I want. But I literally can go months without hearing from a single family member. And yes Facebook doesn't count. Fuck Facebook. It's brief and carefully constructed glimpse into people's lives has a way of softening the fact that your communication is next to nothing. Its a lie and tricks you into feeling like you are maintaining a relationship.

My family is shamefully divided. Our yearly meetups are nice but I dont feel we really have connection beyond basic pleasantries. And the connections we do have are never fully expressed or built on. I can't remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation with anyone in my family. I know its happened but it doesn't happen much. I honestly feel like I dont really know anyone very well at all. They are Thanksgiving conversations. Their dreams and ambitions are a total mystery to me. They are caricatures. The Neocon Uncle. The estranged adopted cousin. I talk more about life with my friends than my family. Is that normal?

It seems the only shred of an attempt to maintain connection comes with the cousins. We all agree we should stick together and get dialog going about it. Yet life comes up and the next thing you know its been 6 months and you haven't spoken to anyone.

I hear friends who say they talk to their family members frequently. They turn to each other for advice, call each other to check up and catch up. I have none of this and it starts to piss me off sometimes. My friends actually are my family because if I didnt have them I would get a phone call just about every 6 months. And I would have probably driven to San Francisco and jumped off the bridge years ago. My friends keep me sane.

I know its partly distance and each group has their own lives they are consumed with. Kids, jobs, their own relationships, illusions of some nature etc. But there is a definite divide with communication that I wonder if other families deal with. I often feel a pang of loneliness like I don't really have a family at all.

Now here is where my grown-up inner voice comes in:

"You could totally make the first move and call people to check up. Why are you waiting on them? You know they would be happy to hear from you. They have no clue you feel so isolated from them"

True that, voice.

Also I am more aware of the distance simply because I dont have a family of my own. I think when you are wrapped up in the daily life of a small nuclear family you forget you have outside members who miss you.

This is all something I am fully aware of so this little rant is not a total desperate plea as much as a deep annoyance. But honestly at some point you can only make the first move so much before you start to feel lame.