are you serious? 30?
I keep asking myself that.
It looks like my optimism for getting out of town in September might not be realized. The economy sucks and I have zero money right now. Especially with my upcoming move to a more expensive apartment. (not sure why I did that but its a NICE apartment. Maybe I'll drink less to compensate. Its a win/win!)
I definitely will get out of town soon but it might be later in the year when I start making more money and can save a little. It would be so cool to be in Europe when I turn 30 though. Maybe I can still make it happen somehow.
So I guess I should consider this coming birthday a pretty big deal. It really isn't but if I try I can make it mean something to me. Ideally every birthday would be a celebration of the chance to be alive and make the most of your time here but this birthday is a mixture of emotions.
One I am so far from where I want to be with women/a woman. I feel like an emotional child in the relationship realm. I have no clue how to be a boyfriend much less a husband to a girl. Not even sure that marriage is a smart choice for me. But I can't be chasing women in bars forever. It's already getting old. Completely ego based and empty. The cheap thrill of attraction shows there's a level of immaturity still present in me. I think I could settle with one, awesomely sexy fun chick. But I keep meeting nutcases.
The last date I went on was great but she had weird stubble or something on her chin which freaked me out. I couldn't get past it and as shallow as it sounds it still affected me and I hate myself a little for it. kinda funny though. Very funny actually.
Financially I'm not even remotely close. Getting closer though. This job has promise.
Health is okay but I have to stop eating out all the time and learn to cook.
I need to grow a pair and call my dad to touch base. Its been awhile. I don't even know how to reach him. I think his name is on file with Guitar Center because they once asked me if I lived at a strange address in Houston when I was buying some guitar strings. It is most likely him. Marcus used to play the drums so that makes sense. He also used to own a pizza joint I could call. 20 minutes of research would probably get me pretty close. But once again I am being a giant vagina about it.
thirty.
holy crap.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
tedious
so recording is pretty tedious but its going well. Drums and bass pretty much knocked out.
In nerd-like fashion I am pumped to see Batman.
Met a girl. Meeting her out tonight. We'll see.
That is all.
In nerd-like fashion I am pumped to see Batman.
Met a girl. Meeting her out tonight. We'll see.
That is all.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The State
When I was a kid MTV had good shows.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dAjDKdYcqnU&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dAjDKdYcqnU&feature=related
back to the future
i had another dream about going back in time. This time it was 1984 and I was trying to tell people about all the changes that were to come. the internet, 9-11 etc. We were watching a lame madonna video and I was like "wow I remember when this was cutting edge"
My 1984 friends didn't understand me.
My 1984 friends didn't understand me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
split second honesty
We all have our personas we put on for everyone. People we hate. People we like. People we looooove.
I was thinking about this one girl I used to work for in my old job. For some reason I really got on her nerves (which was odd because at one point I was her favorite person there).
It was interesting when I would come around a corner or something and sort of surprise her with my presence. I noticed an uncontrollable reaction she would have of me for a split second. A reaction of something like disgust that would quickly dissipate into a pleasant persona. She couldn't hide it completely. She hated me. In turn I disliked her but since we were in the same department together I decided to live with it and do nothing about it.
It got me thinking. I can recall a lot of different people and their knee-jerk reactions to the first brief moments of my presence. Some were instant warming smiles, others were nervous shifty eyes but it would often quickly be buried underneath the same sort of pleasantry doling status quo reaction.
Pay attention to people's uncontrollable reactions to you. Watch their faces when you first run into someone. It tells a lot about how they feel. We all have associations to memories, objects, everything around us. I assume its based on past experience and is a way of understanding the world around us. Like how a baby thinks if mom walks away she ceases to exist until enough repetition shows that she is simply out of the room.
Or how red and blue lights flashing behind you when you are driving cause instant tension. Why? Were you born with that? Or is it your brain scanning your memories for similar experiences and firing off a reaction.
same thing when someone sees you. They have a general emotion they feel for you and for a tiny little moment, they cant hide it.
I'm shooting for the instant look of raw unbridled lust. Sadly its usually something else.
I was thinking about this one girl I used to work for in my old job. For some reason I really got on her nerves (which was odd because at one point I was her favorite person there).
It was interesting when I would come around a corner or something and sort of surprise her with my presence. I noticed an uncontrollable reaction she would have of me for a split second. A reaction of something like disgust that would quickly dissipate into a pleasant persona. She couldn't hide it completely. She hated me. In turn I disliked her but since we were in the same department together I decided to live with it and do nothing about it.
It got me thinking. I can recall a lot of different people and their knee-jerk reactions to the first brief moments of my presence. Some were instant warming smiles, others were nervous shifty eyes but it would often quickly be buried underneath the same sort of pleasantry doling status quo reaction.
Pay attention to people's uncontrollable reactions to you. Watch their faces when you first run into someone. It tells a lot about how they feel. We all have associations to memories, objects, everything around us. I assume its based on past experience and is a way of understanding the world around us. Like how a baby thinks if mom walks away she ceases to exist until enough repetition shows that she is simply out of the room.
Or how red and blue lights flashing behind you when you are driving cause instant tension. Why? Were you born with that? Or is it your brain scanning your memories for similar experiences and firing off a reaction.
same thing when someone sees you. They have a general emotion they feel for you and for a tiny little moment, they cant hide it.
I'm shooting for the instant look of raw unbridled lust. Sadly its usually something else.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
more dreams
so i had this dream I traveled back in time to the house in Channelview circa mid 1990s. I did this with someone who came along with me but they were only in the dream for awhile. The majority of the dream was me trying to figure out exactly what year it was.
The house was open but no one was home. It was a pretty summer day so everyone at home could have been on the jet ski or just away for awhile. The park down the road was a lot prettier than it is now (or probably ever was). There was vegetation across the river on the island. The yard was nice and the house was a brighter red than it is now. I was very happy and content to be back in that time period.
I began looking through drawers and things to find clues as to when exactly this period was. I found a bunch of butterfly jewlry in my top dresser drawer and realized that it was loreece's.
The dream is very disjointed. At one point I was talking to my other time traveler friend trying to figure out everything. There were cars in the driveway I had never seen but in the dream I was familiar with them. The computer was ancient. I was going to sit down and play around on it for old times sake but as I was walking around upstairs the younger me walks through the door. I look at myself and say hey man whats up. Before I let my younger self react to a total stranger in his room, I bolt into the stairwell and lock the door behind me. The funny part is I think the lock is actually on that side of door in reality too. I then run downstairs and get into one of the cars. I hear the young me shaking the doorknob and I know hes going to crawl out the window so I'm in the car frantically pulling my keys out trying to get away. I look up and coming around the corner from the backyard is my younger self very concerned. Before I pull out, I wake up.
I actually really liked this dream. I found myself wanting to just spend time in that period. I was thinking how cool it would be to check Google and see it in its infant stages and I thought about the possibilities of telling the younger me to invest in it with all the money he could find. The house was very peaceful. It was a perfect breezy summer day with windows open and that feeling that people had just been there before I got there.
The house was open but no one was home. It was a pretty summer day so everyone at home could have been on the jet ski or just away for awhile. The park down the road was a lot prettier than it is now (or probably ever was). There was vegetation across the river on the island. The yard was nice and the house was a brighter red than it is now. I was very happy and content to be back in that time period.
I began looking through drawers and things to find clues as to when exactly this period was. I found a bunch of butterfly jewlry in my top dresser drawer and realized that it was loreece's.
The dream is very disjointed. At one point I was talking to my other time traveler friend trying to figure out everything. There were cars in the driveway I had never seen but in the dream I was familiar with them. The computer was ancient. I was going to sit down and play around on it for old times sake but as I was walking around upstairs the younger me walks through the door. I look at myself and say hey man whats up. Before I let my younger self react to a total stranger in his room, I bolt into the stairwell and lock the door behind me. The funny part is I think the lock is actually on that side of door in reality too. I then run downstairs and get into one of the cars. I hear the young me shaking the doorknob and I know hes going to crawl out the window so I'm in the car frantically pulling my keys out trying to get away. I look up and coming around the corner from the backyard is my younger self very concerned. Before I pull out, I wake up.
I actually really liked this dream. I found myself wanting to just spend time in that period. I was thinking how cool it would be to check Google and see it in its infant stages and I thought about the possibilities of telling the younger me to invest in it with all the money he could find. The house was very peaceful. It was a perfect breezy summer day with windows open and that feeling that people had just been there before I got there.
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