Sometimes I lie awake and think about my life. The night is particularly tough sometimes. Self reflection can take some wrong turns when you have hours before you can get up and get distracted. I think about where I am and the decisions that have lead me here.

I think about how I'm not sure I have ever been in love and wonder what that means for me. I think about how I am probably missing out on a lot of life by focusing on the things I choose to focus on. I think about the people I know and admire and I stupidly compare my life to them. I beat myself up.

As much as I would like to be, I am not an optimist for most things. I have a darker sense of the world that my initial thoughts latch on to. Its only after my lifetime of mental training kicks in do I actively dissect the idea as being incorrect or clouded and take steps to see it differently. I don't want to be this way but I am.

Nights like this I feel like everyone has it figured out but me. I know this is wrong but its powerful and it seems real. I worry that who I truly am separates me from the world and I will never have peace. I worry the woman I adore will have nothing to do with me.

The morning will bring sanity to these things. It wont make them go away but at least I'll have a better grip on them.

I'm Back Baby

I went and bought a mic stand and a mic cable yesterday. That was pretty much all that was standing in the way of me recording some ideas I have that are non-electronic based.

I got completely sucked into it and put down a rough version of a song that I have been listening to a few times since yesterday and Im very happy with it. Some shaky vocal parts but the bass, acoustic, electric and most drum parts are nearly fleshed out, including vocal harmonies.  Its pretty folky but I still like it.

It came quickly as have the few times I have made something I am proud of. I'm particularly proud of the bass line because I don't really fancy myself a bassist but its a creative and tasteful part.

Basically I can show this to musicians and we can be up and running quickly (when I get around to opening that can of worms again).

I spent the last 5 years being uber democratic with the creative process in a band. Often to the point of disarray. So this idea of having something I wrote 100% played by musicians sounds appealing to me. I'll take the fascist comments. Those people have no clue what happens in a band without focus. It can get ugly.

Get in the Choppah!

I've started to get back to working out again regularly. I never regret doing it. Its tough to get motivated but Im always thankful I went.

I can comfortably bench 3 sets of 155. This is fun to me because I weighed that from the age of 17 until about a year ago. I think Im closer to 165 now so Im sure Ill hit that soon.

One of these days Id like to get a personal trainer and really hit it hard. I sort of don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Friday night I went out with the woman with a kid again. We had a lot of fun. She seems to be into me. I failed to fully describe my desire to not get serious with a woman with a kid. I think she has an idea based on our conversations and interactions but I have not been crystal clear. Its not at the point where this is entirely terrible but I can't let it continue. I actually feel a little guilty about this so I know that means I need to do something about it. Dating is a constant level of incremental changes that require your attention. It starts from the moment you say hi until you get in a relationship and grow old with a person.

Saturday I went to Fun Fun Fun Fest. Saw Head and the Heart, Girl Talk and a couple other bands. It was great. Less crowded than ACL and the sound was actually better. I ran into a couple that I know through the band and we hung out with them the rest of the night. They are great people and I was happy to run into them.

I will be heading to San Francisco in January for a work thing. This is great. I loved San Francisco. Can't wait.

The party went great. Lots of people came and wished us farewell. I think we made a lot of money but I wasn't responsible for that so not sure exactly. But I know we paid for the party and then some.

I played some songs I had never played in front of anyone. The response was great so that made me happy. A lot of my good friends showed up. I didn't get too drunk. Everyone had fun. It was a perfect way to wrap up our 5 years as a band.

Last night I went to a giant Halloween party. Nothing much more to say about that. Just lots of crazy costumes and hot women in skimpy clothes they reserve for one day a year. One of my clients hosted it and must have spent a fortune. They had a fun house, DJ, blah blah. I took some crazy pictures that I am too lazy to post right now.

Last night I went on a date with a woman who has a 6 year old. Get used to it I tell myself.

I think about that and deciding only to date childless women definitely narrows the pool down for me. But its a huge decision to date a woman with a kid because obviously the kid comes first and you are going to share your time. That and I am not sure if she will ever want more if that is something I decide I want someday.

Obviously I am not thinking like that about this woman, but in general these are things you have to consider when are ready to meet someone long term. I think I'm just going to be perfectly upfront about my hesitance to get too serious with a woman with kid. If I get any inclination this is not ideal for her, Ill bail. She didn't strike me as a woman with Daddy radar. But obviously being open about this kind of thing is vital.

The date was pretty fun. Lots of making fun of each other which is always cool. Also nice long moments where she would just stare at me saying nothing. She was cute in a non-traditional way but still very cute. She had no qualms showing her attraction to me and was very vocal about it. I eat that stuff up obviously. She went for the kiss before I did which is very rare for me. As I was driving away she actually walked up to my car to kiss me again before I left which I found pretty awesome.

Why can't the hot, childless, nubile 25 year old do that? I think I answered my own question there.