Children
God
Science
the 401K
a wife
a whore
a confidant
marriage
illness
the funny
the sorrow
the assholes
the slow drivers
The barking dogs
The payday
The blue light specials
The clean orgasms
jail
parents
superstitions
Wine
Money Clips
Summer Dresses
Its all here
and its all going away
someday

idiot wind

"You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, 
your holiness or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry."

I can't even read this without losing it.

These posts just keep getting more and more sparse. I have just as much to say I suppose just not enough motivation to document it. Kind of a shame I know.

I am planning on a lot of trips this year... including Chicago later this month, Washington DC in April, Denver, Hawaii and maybe more if I can find some folks who want to hang out. Im getting restless in Austin. I still love this town but I need to explore a little more then come back and realize how great it is here.

I've formed an LLC, met with a CPA, opened biz accounts/credit cards etc. I am doing my business for real and its good to have focus. I can handle a little loneliness if this will get me set up for my future. Its all about balance so I am making sure I am still playing open mics and visiting with the few friends I have here as much as possible. And taking said trips. But work is by far the bulk of my day and the isolation can be hard at times.

So yes 2014 is all about balance for me. The identities I used to believe I held are not written in stone. I know of few people with such vastly different interests and lifestyles. I still want to start another band. I still want to take this business further. Who does that? I associate with both types of people and feel like I am not fully a part of either world. This is not a new emotion for me. Forever the outsider. Guessing its more common than I realize. Maybe not.

There's a quote by a guy called Robert Glover. Its more of a concept. He says that whatever happens in your life you should ask yourself "Is this a gift?" Since everything only has the meaning you assign it then it makes sense to see every experience as a potential gift in your life. Of course some things are just shitty and dont apply but a lot of it probably does. My frequent isolation is not a fluke. Its a part of my life. It sticks around. Its a part of my life I try to run from. And maybe its not as bad as I think it is. It might be a gift.

At this very moment I am listening to music, drinking wine and having 1 cigarette for the evening. I wont smoke another. Its my balance. And its pretty great.

A big part of my life has gone completely undocumented on this blog.

Right around June 1st of this year I met a woman. We broke up this week. So yes I have spent a lot of 2013 with her, trying to make something work that I had strong reservations about from the get-go.

While good times were had, the bulk of the relationship was me feeling mostly stressed and uneasy. I fought the good fight and did my best but there came a point where I realized our differences were too much.

As usual there is a lot more Id like to document but realize this is a public forum of sorts. But this experience was impactful enough to remember forever so let's just leave it at that.

It was right under my nose.

I get comfortable in my own mediocrity. I sit on my ass and work and forget what I am capable of. Music. Words. Friends. Fun. I forget.

I am "succeeding" yet my life feels a bit soggy. The crispness of experience is dulled. I am my own worst enemy but I am slowly but surely figuring myself out.

Theres too much in my head to be eloquent. But Im going to let "doing" explain it all for me.

Its going to take resolve. Confidence. Breaking free from comfort and the easy route of mediocrity. So help me I will make life vibrant despite my genetic predisposition for simply existing.

Breaking Bad is over. There will be a void in my Sundays. But what a ride. The final episode topped 10 million viewers. The show was violent and brutal enough for those who like explosions and multi-layered enough for those partial to Shakespearean tragedies. It deserves all the hype. People aren't as stupid as most television producers seem to think and the viewership proved it. Vince Gilligan is the king of the world right now and in true showbiz fashion closed it down right at its peak.

The show's going to be talked about, dissected and used as standard that all other dramas will be judged by. Last night my girl mentioned a very minor detail she saw in the first episode that was referenced in the last episode that I doubt many people will even remember. The whole series is airtight and you can tell the writers lived and breathed those characters, regardless of how many people got all the little payoffs.

Not sure what to think about the spinoff. Obviously if its the same writers then it should be good but I am not holding my breath on that one.

We are in a Golden Age of television. Too bad I don't have cable.