It was right under my nose.

I get comfortable in my own mediocrity. I sit on my ass and work and forget what I am capable of. Music. Words. Friends. Fun. I forget.

I am "succeeding" yet my life feels a bit soggy. The crispness of experience is dulled. I am my own worst enemy but I am slowly but surely figuring myself out.

Theres too much in my head to be eloquent. But Im going to let "doing" explain it all for me.

Its going to take resolve. Confidence. Breaking free from comfort and the easy route of mediocrity. So help me I will make life vibrant despite my genetic predisposition for simply existing.

Breaking Bad is over. There will be a void in my Sundays. But what a ride. The final episode topped 10 million viewers. The show was violent and brutal enough for those who like explosions and multi-layered enough for those partial to Shakespearean tragedies. It deserves all the hype. People aren't as stupid as most television producers seem to think and the viewership proved it. Vince Gilligan is the king of the world right now and in true showbiz fashion closed it down right at its peak.

The show's going to be talked about, dissected and used as standard that all other dramas will be judged by. Last night my girl mentioned a very minor detail she saw in the first episode that was referenced in the last episode that I doubt many people will even remember. The whole series is airtight and you can tell the writers lived and breathed those characters, regardless of how many people got all the little payoffs.

Not sure what to think about the spinoff. Obviously if its the same writers then it should be good but I am not holding my breath on that one.

We are in a Golden Age of television. Too bad I don't have cable.

Its been raining a lot lately. I love it. I am currently sitting with my door open as the cool air and sound of rain comes into my apartment. I also opened my window and placed a towel on the sill to soak up the rain. Fall is close and its a glorious change I've eagerly waited for.

I live near a high school. And right around this time the streets are buzzing with kids walking home, busses driving by. Its very pleasant actually. Like a slice of small town simplicity. I can actually hear the bell ring from my apartment.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Well technically Sunday is my birthday but tomorrow Im getting together with some people and were going to just hang out downtown in a quaint little section of Austin that are a bunch of small houses that have been transformed into bars. Should be fun.

My career is in full swing. Its better than its ever been and right in time for the financial goal I set to hit before my birthday. Im not actually there as we speak but if things maintain their trajectory I should be fine. So a few months off is okay by me. As per my usual self I question how long it can stay this good. The only thing I can do is keep busting my ass for my clients and hope the results speak for themselves.

I have reached a point where I now have a skillset that few people have (or maybe care to develop) and it feels good. I've put in my time. I've worked for practically nothing. I've been disrespected by business owners who have no clue how to treat people who work for them because there was no HR department to complain to and I couldn't afford to speak up. I've taken roles that were not mine to concern myself with. I've dealt with achingly slow payments. I've even been criminally underpaid at times knowing the education and experience would pay off someday.

There was no degree I could get for this. No apprenticeship. Its just a combination of luck and recognizing an opportunity when it presents itself. Then taking action. And picking my battles. I've read books. I've attended seminars. I've listened to good and bad advice. I've hung out with douchebags and held my tongue. Now the dust has settled and here I am. But I cant stop pushing forward.

My life is a balance of satisfaction with where I am and a desire to make it something better. So I come to this birthday grateful for my life, proud of myself and a little scared its too good to be true. It feels like its the beginning of something new and different. But really you can say that about every single day we have.

Big gap in between posts so sorry about that 50 year old me.

Lets see... been dating a gal for a little bit. Working my ass off. Recording music here and there. Getting out of the house as much as possible. Sailing a decent amount.

I really got into Breaking Bad so I spend my Sundays at a cool watch party with a lot of other fans as each new episode is aired. Thats fun. Four episodes left.

Friends are having babies all around me. People are falling in love and out of love and in between love. New friends are showing up. Some are kind of slipping away. The good ones are still there and always will be.

I am about to turn 35. Whoah. Yeah. The good thing is work is going well so Im hoping this will be a great year for me financially. For some reason getting that part of my life together is important for my 35th year. Now comes the ability to keep a woman for longer than 3 months.

Not reading enough. Not working out enough.

Yawn. See you in another two months. :P

Bertrand Russell

I am reading The Conquest of Happiness. While dated, Russell nails a lot of important things that make the book worthy of reading. We'll get back to that in a second...

The other day I took two of my friends out on the sailboat and had an awesome day.

In the car on the way to the lake we began discussing stuff we normally talk about. One of the guys was born a Hindu and has a lot of out-of-the-box thinking that I find totally refreshing. He said something about how its important to find something bigger than yourself to believe in. Not necessarily a God (The other friend is an atheist) but something that helps you realize that the world is much bigger than you are.

Then today while reading this book Russell said this...

"The man who can center his thoughts and hopes upon something transcending self can find a certain peace in the ordinary troubles of life which is impossible to the pure egoist"

As I get older I find this is the crux of a lot of my issues. I am usually completely consumed with myself. My thoughts, my actions, what they mean and how they affect others. Its been that way since I was a child. It makes perfect sense that the more you try to dissect the complicated people we are, the more confounded and depressed you will become.

Sure its important to understand yourself but there has to be a line drawn as to what is important to focus on, and what is simply an overdeveloped ego bordering on narcissism.

Definitely glad to be considering these new integrations into my life.

It's Friday night and Im sitting at home. Went to pick up some food and got stopped by a cop. Dead headlight. Suddenly Im happy I didn't go out tonight. That could have been very bad.

I have not written in this blog in a month. Nothing terribly interesting going on. I have two new clients and Im a bit nervous about them panning out long term. I need them to. The first half of 2013 has been a little tight.

I've been sailing every week for about 3 weeks now which has been fun. My friend and I went with two attractive women last week so that was a nice day. Im getting the hang of reading the wind and making the boat do what I want it to do. The wind was so strong last week that it threw us around like rag dolls. I just dropped the sail and turned the engine on like an amateur. But we got back in one piece.

Speaking of attractive women... my dating life is in the feast period as opposed to famine. It cycles around so I know not to get excited or down with every pass but I am enjoying myself for the time being. As usual weird things happen when I am content with my dating life. Women text that I haven't spoken to in forever. I seriously think there is something to this but I can't possibly say what it is.

I've been recording a lot more which is good but I am not working as much because of it so I need to manage my time better.

Im not working out enough. I think Im doing once, maybe twice per week. Not good enough. Im having a hard time getting motivated to exercise.

And I just bored myself to sleep.

I just have to accept that its going to take a very long time to master Ableton. I bought a midi keyboard and this really helped the creative process to be able to actually play the notes rather than draw them. Still its daunting to stare at the interface and want it to do what you want it to do but it only gives you back the crap you put into it.

And not just the technical stuff. Knowing that I can now do pretty much anything without creative restrictions reminds me of how mediocre I can be.

I remember when I was using a cheap program 10 years ago to record stuff I would slave for hours over a tiny little feature and celebrate when I finally got it to work.  This software reduces those glorious moments of innovation and inspiration to a simple click of the mouse. Technology cheapens things again.

Its weird how unlimited potential can paralyze you where you stand.