I had a dream you were following me home from somewhere. We were both in our cars and it was late.

You didn't know where we were going so you tailed me closely. I could see your outline in the windshield blurred by the rain. You weren't smiling.

You had your hands at 10 and 2.... carefully turning when I would. Blinkers in perfect unison. I let cars pass me when necessary. Sometimes they would get between us and stick around too long but I never let you go. I made everything very deliberate. With every lane change you were on my mind.

The drive was long so my thoughts began to drift. I thought about how I felt weird when you actually trusted me. How I felt like every other man was a more certain version of myself and you were drawn to them because of it.

But not tonight. Tonight I knew exactly what to do. Exactly where to go. And you did not. You needed me. I guess that made you uncomfortable. This could all be in my head.

Lost in this for awhile I looked up and you weren't there anymore.  I slowed down and waited. But you never showed. Minutes turned to more. You were gone. So I kept going.

I lived my life. I aged. I adopted new theories of what happened. I married someone else. But when things were quiet or heavy I would think about that night I lost you and wonder.

No word. No call. Just a faceless silhouette in my rearview with somewhere else to be.

I woke up in someone else's life
new face
new toothbrush

I did the dirty dishes and had arguments
I toasted stranger-friends for their support
and suffered for the good of a foreign relationship

All the while my hands were not mine
fixing broken dresser drawers
gripping the steering wheel
waiting for two kids to stop screwing around back there

How long will this last…
This brand new face?
When I will I get back to whatever it was I knew before this?
Was I happier?
I don't remember now

I can still open the door when it rains
so its not all bad.
its just different

this is for me
just a little bit
for you and your friends
with their perfume hair flip

so much stock
so much stock
in this

but really what do you mean
you can't stay for drinks
what do you mean

i wait for nothing at all

technology fails me
frequencies let you down
weak bass response
shaky voice
but its pure
don't be a bitch
its pure

i think your belly is a garden
full of weeds and stupid dreams
you say "like" too much
but planets orbit your every word
He still has your jacket
go get it
go get it
I will drive you there

Children
God
Science
the 401K
a wife
a whore
a confidant
marriage
illness
the funny
the sorrow
the assholes
the slow drivers
The barking dogs
The payday
The blue light specials
The clean orgasms
jail
parents
superstitions
Wine
Money Clips
Summer Dresses
Its all here
and its all going away
someday

idiot wind

"You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, 
your holiness or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry."

I can't even read this without losing it.

These posts just keep getting more and more sparse. I have just as much to say I suppose just not enough motivation to document it. Kind of a shame I know.

I am planning on a lot of trips this year... including Chicago later this month, Washington DC in April, Denver, Hawaii and maybe more if I can find some folks who want to hang out. Im getting restless in Austin. I still love this town but I need to explore a little more then come back and realize how great it is here.

I've formed an LLC, met with a CPA, opened biz accounts/credit cards etc. I am doing my business for real and its good to have focus. I can handle a little loneliness if this will get me set up for my future. Its all about balance so I am making sure I am still playing open mics and visiting with the few friends I have here as much as possible. And taking said trips. But work is by far the bulk of my day and the isolation can be hard at times.

So yes 2014 is all about balance for me. The identities I used to believe I held are not written in stone. I know of few people with such vastly different interests and lifestyles. I still want to start another band. I still want to take this business further. Who does that? I associate with both types of people and feel like I am not fully a part of either world. This is not a new emotion for me. Forever the outsider. Guessing its more common than I realize. Maybe not.

There's a quote by a guy called Robert Glover. Its more of a concept. He says that whatever happens in your life you should ask yourself "Is this a gift?" Since everything only has the meaning you assign it then it makes sense to see every experience as a potential gift in your life. Of course some things are just shitty and dont apply but a lot of it probably does. My frequent isolation is not a fluke. Its a part of my life. It sticks around. Its a part of my life I try to run from. And maybe its not as bad as I think it is. It might be a gift.

At this very moment I am listening to music, drinking wine and having 1 cigarette for the evening. I wont smoke another. Its my balance. And its pretty great.