Thoughts on 31...

Officially in my thirties this month.

Here is what I have been thinking about:

My belief in destiny is changing. As a kid I believed things happened for a reason. I wouldn't say I have completely abandoned the belief but when I think about how simple decisions can completely change the way your life plays out, I start to doubt the concept of some clear-cut destiny for any of us.

Call it weathered idealism but I am starting to feel like "meaning" in the sense I used to know does not exist. I hope I come back around one day and feel differently. Its very disorienting to feel like were just floating around in chaos.

I have a friend who every time we get on the subject of something uncomfortable that has happened to her, she pulls out the "everything happens for a reason" card.

I ask her if she really feels that way. She admits its probably just so she can sleep at night. Shes a smart girl. I just don't know how I feel about fate anymore. Do some things happen for a reason? Why those and not others? I'm no fatalist so decisions about what to have for lunch are probably not even recorded in the universes history but what if that decision leads to something bigger like food poisoning which leads to a day in bed where you come up with an idea for the better mousetrap. Then you get filthy rich and meet your soulmate. =)

So what of fate? Someone tell me its not chaos. I start to worry.

Yet a few experiences in my life give me hope that its not all 100% devoid of meaning. I am grateful for them and glad they happened.