Adios

For no particular reason I have decided to end this blog.

It started out as me basically documenting the rise and fall of my band. That was a fun time in my life. Aside from the egos and hurt feelings I really enjoyed performing and creating. I often wonder if that will ever be a reality for me again.

This post is particularly interesting to me:

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/05/last-show-for-awhile.html

Every prediction, including the one about my ex, was 100% accurate. It was my last time performing as a band and I knew it. It has a loneliness to it yet somehow I can still find value and beauty in that moment.

As far as the readers of this blog go, there were a handful. Literally a handful. Some strangers came through due to my post about Loreece making the top Google rankings. I sometimes wonder who those people are.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2009/07/loreece-lynn-pentecost.html

My favorite posts are the dreams I documented and just the little experiences I had that I would have totally forgotten about had I not written them down. This one is my favorite dream. I think about it a lot.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2010/11/dream.html

If you use the search bar at the top and type "dream" then all my dream posts come up. I'll probably return to this the most when I revisit this blog from time to time.

There is always a sort of niavete with my writing that interests me. I read my posts back and see myself as someone less wise than I am now. But strangely I would feel this way as I was writing the posts so not sure what that means exactly. Possibly because I was aware that people other than myself would read this and I was doing it for them... (?)

My career trajectory is also documented here. This interests no one but me but I enjoy seeing the process of going from employee to self-employed to becoming an LLC. And the up and down fluctuations of income that come with self-employment. The doubt. The satisfaction of success that you are alone responsible for.

I'm still single and have been for most of the time I was active on here. Probably a nice, deep psychological reason for it that I don't feel like dissecting. I still enjoy performing and will continue to find hobbies that let me do that. Comedy, music... A lot of things interest me. Travel will continue to be a big part of my life. I hope to continue seeing more of the world and meeting new and interesting people. And I may start up a new blog documenting all this. But this blog feels done.

One thing I noticed as I age is I am less and less concerned with reveling in the melodrama of life. Something about aging strips the bullshit and naval gazing from you and you just want to document things clearly and let the beauty of the moment come from that rather than turn it into War and Peace and force it down someone's throat. I think its just a natural progression of coming to terms with the meaningfully absurd nature of life (see what I did there?) and letting it just be what it is. There are no sunsets we ride off into. Thats fiction. I'm going to go drink coffee and get my tires rotated after I finish the final letter of this blog.

I'm blown away by time's passing and think how Ill be in my mid 40's when the same amount of time passes. But that's also nice because I am young. Not 29 young but I think I have a lot of time left. Or maybe I don't. I hope I do. Who the fuck knows.

In the end its all about the little things.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/07/this-is-my-501st-post.html

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/08/5-more-moments-of-awesome.html

Thanks for reading Kevin. :P

I had a dream where I was helping my grandmother walk home. There were rocks near the ocean and we couldnt make it all the way so I picked her up and carried her. In the dream she was much smaller than reality but I remember thinking that she was such a big soul in such a tiny frail body. Her voice was old and weak but I recognized that was only of this earth and she was more than that. It was a nice dream.

This blog is a joke now. I have completely abandoned it. But this is a big enough thing for me to break the silence.

When I was a kid I used to watch Comedy Central when it was just videos of comics doing their sets. I used to watch it until I was sick of it and then I would still watch it. I then spent years wanting to get the nerve to try it for myself. I had no clue if I had what it takes but I knew how much I appreciated it as an art form. I dreamed that one day I could do the same.

Tonight I realized that dream. I did a 10 minute set in front of a crowd of about 30-40 people and I completely owned it. Plainly put... I killed.

Friends came and were shocked I had it in me. Little do they know I worked and worked and worked on those 10 minutes. I had at least 20 pages of material that I finally weeded down to 4. And it went beyond my expectations. I know that if I continue this whole thing these kinds of triumphs will be few and far between. But fuck it this is a win of the best kind so tonight I celebrated.

I cannot believe what just happened. I woke up this morning with a knot in my chest. I was afraid. But the time came and I completely killed. I feel like Im brand new. I can do anything now. I feel alive for the first time in awhile. And it only took the appreciation of complete strangers.

Here is a pic of me backstage and terrified. 

My aunt Sandi suddenly died last week. I've been driving back and forth from Dallas to Houston to Austin for the last few days and its been exhausting.

The memorial service was today. I spoke a bit about her. I told the crowd how I took my pants off the night she first met me. I was 5. Shes been a big part of my family life since I can remember.

Her husband (my uncle) and his kids (my cousins) are handling as best they could. I feel for them. I worry about them. But its so tragic my brain wont let me cross into the super sad state of mind for some reason. I am sad but its not the level of sad I would expect. Or is it? Does that come later?

Its very weird to have someone who was fine one day suddenly leave this world and your life. I see a picture of her and I feel like she's still around. I literally cannot imagine the pain my cousins and uncle are feeling right now.

Last night I had a dream my ex girlfriend showed up to some random social gathering I was attending. She began flirting with my friends.

Rather than get mad or say anything I walked off and started teaching someone how to play chess. It wasn't just anyone. It was a mentally challenged woman I knew from the church I grew up in.

I sat her down and the dream turned into an incredibly long sequence where I laid out every pieces movement, the rules of chess and then we played a game. She picked it up fine. The dream was actually very detailed with what I said to her. Literally every piece was covered including the basic rules. I was patient and happy to share the info.

On its surface the dream wasnt much but the attention to detail of my instruction fascinates me. It was a simple yet odd dream that I felt like documenting for whatever reason.

Im finishing up some work in an empty apartment because my new place doesn't have internet yet.

I left myself a stool so Im sitting at the little island table that I mostly kept stuff on for the last 3 years. Movers came today and 99% of my belongings are now in boxes at my new place. I own very little so it was an effortless move.

All thats left here are a few random items and a very dirty carpet. Big changes. I got my very own place. I own the damn thing (or is that the lender?). I believe this is adulthood. Looks like Ill have to change the blog to something else. No more growing left to do. All done. 100% actualized American. Whew!

I needed this. Three years in this tiny apt was a bit too much for me. I realized that a lot of my time was spent needlessly suffering isolation when I should have just gotten out of the house or called someone. No one to blame but myself on that. My buddy's kid is now 3. I remember him freaking out that his wife was pregnant.

3 years isnt a long time but it is. Funny how time does that... existing as both simultaneously.

I had a few women come through. Most didnt stay long. One just stayed awhile. I miss 3 moments with her and the sex. The rest I can do without.

I realized that a lot of my time spent here was staring at a computer screen working. Nothing to be ashamed of but I need more balance. Too much work makes me a boring person.

The new place is in a great area. Its also much nicer than my old place. The movers were like... "You must be pretty excited" when they saw the new place. I guess I am. Yes I think I am.

And still I am hesitant to hit Publish on this blog post. It may just cause everything to disintegrate around me. I know. I know. Trust me I know. Working on that.

Happiness is

looking forward to something.

Don't think its anything more complicated than that.