Adios

For no particular reason I have decided to end this blog.

It started out as me basically documenting the rise and fall of my band. That was a fun time in my life. Aside from the egos and hurt feelings I really enjoyed performing and creating. I often wonder if that will ever be a reality for me again.

This post is particularly interesting to me:

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/05/last-show-for-awhile.html

Every prediction, including the one about my ex, was 100% accurate. It was my last time performing as a band and I knew it. It has a loneliness to it yet somehow I can still find value and beauty in that moment.

As far as the readers of this blog go, there were a handful. Literally a handful. Some strangers came through due to my post about Loreece making the top Google rankings. I sometimes wonder who those people are.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2009/07/loreece-lynn-pentecost.html

My favorite posts are the dreams I documented and just the little experiences I had that I would have totally forgotten about had I not written them down. This one is my favorite dream. I think about it a lot.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2010/11/dream.html

If you use the search bar at the top and type "dream" then all my dream posts come up. I'll probably return to this the most when I revisit this blog from time to time.

There is always a sort of niavete with my writing that interests me. I read my posts back and see myself as someone less wise than I am now. But strangely I would feel this way as I was writing the posts so not sure what that means exactly. Possibly because I was aware that people other than myself would read this and I was doing it for them... (?)

My career trajectory is also documented here. This interests no one but me but I enjoy seeing the process of going from employee to self-employed to becoming an LLC. And the up and down fluctuations of income that come with self-employment. The doubt. The satisfaction of success that you are alone responsible for.

I'm still single and have been for most of the time I was active on here. Probably a nice, deep psychological reason for it that I don't feel like dissecting. I still enjoy performing and will continue to find hobbies that let me do that. Comedy, music... A lot of things interest me. Travel will continue to be a big part of my life. I hope to continue seeing more of the world and meeting new and interesting people. And I may start up a new blog documenting all this. But this blog feels done.

One thing I noticed as I age is I am less and less concerned with reveling in the melodrama of life. Something about aging strips the bullshit and naval gazing from you and you just want to document things clearly and let the beauty of the moment come from that rather than turn it into War and Peace and force it down someone's throat. I think its just a natural progression of coming to terms with the meaningfully absurd nature of life (see what I did there?) and letting it just be what it is. There are no sunsets we ride off into. Thats fiction. I'm going to go drink coffee and get my tires rotated after I finish the final letter of this blog.

I'm blown away by time's passing and think how Ill be in my mid 40's when the same amount of time passes. But that's also nice because I am young. Not 29 young but I think I have a lot of time left. Or maybe I don't. I hope I do. Who the fuck knows.

In the end its all about the little things.

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/07/this-is-my-501st-post.html

http://meaningfullyabsurd.blogspot.com/2011/08/5-more-moments-of-awesome.html

Thanks for reading Kevin. :P

I had a dream where I was helping my grandmother walk home. There were rocks near the ocean and we couldnt make it all the way so I picked her up and carried her. In the dream she was much smaller than reality but I remember thinking that she was such a big soul in such a tiny frail body. Her voice was old and weak but I recognized that was only of this earth and she was more than that. It was a nice dream.

This blog is a joke now. I have completely abandoned it. But this is a big enough thing for me to break the silence.

When I was a kid I used to watch Comedy Central when it was just videos of comics doing their sets. I used to watch it until I was sick of it and then I would still watch it. I then spent years wanting to get the nerve to try it for myself. I had no clue if I had what it takes but I knew how much I appreciated it as an art form. I dreamed that one day I could do the same.

Tonight I realized that dream. I did a 10 minute set in front of a crowd of about 30-40 people and I completely owned it. Plainly put... I killed.

Friends came and were shocked I had it in me. Little do they know I worked and worked and worked on those 10 minutes. I had at least 20 pages of material that I finally weeded down to 4. And it went beyond my expectations. I know that if I continue this whole thing these kinds of triumphs will be few and far between. But fuck it this is a win of the best kind so tonight I celebrated.

I cannot believe what just happened. I woke up this morning with a knot in my chest. I was afraid. But the time came and I completely killed. I feel like Im brand new. I can do anything now. I feel alive for the first time in awhile. And it only took the appreciation of complete strangers.

Here is a pic of me backstage and terrified. 

My aunt Sandi suddenly died last week. I've been driving back and forth from Dallas to Houston to Austin for the last few days and its been exhausting.

The memorial service was today. I spoke a bit about her. I told the crowd how I took my pants off the night she first met me. I was 5. Shes been a big part of my family life since I can remember.

Her husband (my uncle) and his kids (my cousins) are handling as best they could. I feel for them. I worry about them. But its so tragic my brain wont let me cross into the super sad state of mind for some reason. I am sad but its not the level of sad I would expect. Or is it? Does that come later?

Its very weird to have someone who was fine one day suddenly leave this world and your life. I see a picture of her and I feel like she's still around. I literally cannot imagine the pain my cousins and uncle are feeling right now.

Last night I had a dream my ex girlfriend showed up to some random social gathering I was attending. She began flirting with my friends.

Rather than get mad or say anything I walked off and started teaching someone how to play chess. It wasn't just anyone. It was a mentally challenged woman I knew from the church I grew up in.

I sat her down and the dream turned into an incredibly long sequence where I laid out every pieces movement, the rules of chess and then we played a game. She picked it up fine. The dream was actually very detailed with what I said to her. Literally every piece was covered including the basic rules. I was patient and happy to share the info.

On its surface the dream wasnt much but the attention to detail of my instruction fascinates me. It was a simple yet odd dream that I felt like documenting for whatever reason.

Im finishing up some work in an empty apartment because my new place doesn't have internet yet.

I left myself a stool so Im sitting at the little island table that I mostly kept stuff on for the last 3 years. Movers came today and 99% of my belongings are now in boxes at my new place. I own very little so it was an effortless move.

All thats left here are a few random items and a very dirty carpet. Big changes. I got my very own place. I own the damn thing (or is that the lender?). I believe this is adulthood. Looks like Ill have to change the blog to something else. No more growing left to do. All done. 100% actualized American. Whew!

I needed this. Three years in this tiny apt was a bit too much for me. I realized that a lot of my time was spent needlessly suffering isolation when I should have just gotten out of the house or called someone. No one to blame but myself on that. My buddy's kid is now 3. I remember him freaking out that his wife was pregnant.

3 years isnt a long time but it is. Funny how time does that... existing as both simultaneously.

I had a few women come through. Most didnt stay long. One just stayed awhile. I miss 3 moments with her and the sex. The rest I can do without.

I realized that a lot of my time spent here was staring at a computer screen working. Nothing to be ashamed of but I need more balance. Too much work makes me a boring person.

The new place is in a great area. Its also much nicer than my old place. The movers were like... "You must be pretty excited" when they saw the new place. I guess I am. Yes I think I am.

And still I am hesitant to hit Publish on this blog post. It may just cause everything to disintegrate around me. I know. I know. Trust me I know. Working on that.

Happiness is

looking forward to something.

Don't think its anything more complicated than that.

I had a dream you were following me home from somewhere. We were both in our cars and it was late.

You didn't know where we were going so you tailed me closely. I could see your outline in the windshield blurred by the rain. You weren't smiling.

You had your hands at 10 and 2.... carefully turning when I would. Blinkers in perfect unison. I let cars pass me when necessary. Sometimes they would get between us and stick around too long but I never let you go. I made everything very deliberate. With every lane change you were on my mind.

The drive was long so my thoughts began to drift. I thought about how I felt weird when you actually trusted me. How I felt like every other man was a more certain version of myself and you were drawn to them because of it.

But not tonight. Tonight I knew exactly what to do. Exactly where to go. And you did not. You needed me. I guess that made you uncomfortable. This could all be in my head.

Lost in this for awhile I looked up and you weren't there anymore.  I slowed down and waited. But you never showed. Minutes turned to more. You were gone. So I kept going.

I lived my life. I aged. I adopted new theories of what happened. I married someone else. But when things were quiet or heavy I would think about that night I lost you and wonder.

No word. No call. Just a faceless silhouette in my rearview with somewhere else to be.

I woke up in someone else's life
new face
new toothbrush

I did the dirty dishes and had arguments
I toasted stranger-friends for their support
and suffered for the good of a foreign relationship

All the while my hands were not mine
fixing broken dresser drawers
gripping the steering wheel
waiting for two kids to stop screwing around back there

How long will this last…
This brand new face?
When I will I get back to whatever it was I knew before this?
Was I happier?
I don't remember now

I can still open the door when it rains
so its not all bad.
its just different

this is for me
just a little bit
for you and your friends
with their perfume hair flip

so much stock
so much stock
in this

but really what do you mean
you can't stay for drinks
what do you mean

i wait for nothing at all

technology fails me
frequencies let you down
weak bass response
shaky voice
but its pure
don't be a bitch
its pure

i think your belly is a garden
full of weeds and stupid dreams
you say "like" too much
but planets orbit your every word
He still has your jacket
go get it
go get it
I will drive you there

Children
God
Science
the 401K
a wife
a whore
a confidant
marriage
illness
the funny
the sorrow
the assholes
the slow drivers
The barking dogs
The payday
The blue light specials
The clean orgasms
jail
parents
superstitions
Wine
Money Clips
Summer Dresses
Its all here
and its all going away
someday

idiot wind

"You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, 
your holiness or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry."

I can't even read this without losing it.

These posts just keep getting more and more sparse. I have just as much to say I suppose just not enough motivation to document it. Kind of a shame I know.

I am planning on a lot of trips this year... including Chicago later this month, Washington DC in April, Denver, Hawaii and maybe more if I can find some folks who want to hang out. Im getting restless in Austin. I still love this town but I need to explore a little more then come back and realize how great it is here.

I've formed an LLC, met with a CPA, opened biz accounts/credit cards etc. I am doing my business for real and its good to have focus. I can handle a little loneliness if this will get me set up for my future. Its all about balance so I am making sure I am still playing open mics and visiting with the few friends I have here as much as possible. And taking said trips. But work is by far the bulk of my day and the isolation can be hard at times.

So yes 2014 is all about balance for me. The identities I used to believe I held are not written in stone. I know of few people with such vastly different interests and lifestyles. I still want to start another band. I still want to take this business further. Who does that? I associate with both types of people and feel like I am not fully a part of either world. This is not a new emotion for me. Forever the outsider. Guessing its more common than I realize. Maybe not.

There's a quote by a guy called Robert Glover. Its more of a concept. He says that whatever happens in your life you should ask yourself "Is this a gift?" Since everything only has the meaning you assign it then it makes sense to see every experience as a potential gift in your life. Of course some things are just shitty and dont apply but a lot of it probably does. My frequent isolation is not a fluke. Its a part of my life. It sticks around. Its a part of my life I try to run from. And maybe its not as bad as I think it is. It might be a gift.

At this very moment I am listening to music, drinking wine and having 1 cigarette for the evening. I wont smoke another. Its my balance. And its pretty great.

A big part of my life has gone completely undocumented on this blog.

Right around June 1st of this year I met a woman. We broke up this week. So yes I have spent a lot of 2013 with her, trying to make something work that I had strong reservations about from the get-go.

While good times were had, the bulk of the relationship was me feeling mostly stressed and uneasy. I fought the good fight and did my best but there came a point where I realized our differences were too much.

As usual there is a lot more Id like to document but realize this is a public forum of sorts. But this experience was impactful enough to remember forever so let's just leave it at that.

It was right under my nose.

I get comfortable in my own mediocrity. I sit on my ass and work and forget what I am capable of. Music. Words. Friends. Fun. I forget.

I am "succeeding" yet my life feels a bit soggy. The crispness of experience is dulled. I am my own worst enemy but I am slowly but surely figuring myself out.

Theres too much in my head to be eloquent. But Im going to let "doing" explain it all for me.

Its going to take resolve. Confidence. Breaking free from comfort and the easy route of mediocrity. So help me I will make life vibrant despite my genetic predisposition for simply existing.

Breaking Bad is over. There will be a void in my Sundays. But what a ride. The final episode topped 10 million viewers. The show was violent and brutal enough for those who like explosions and multi-layered enough for those partial to Shakespearean tragedies. It deserves all the hype. People aren't as stupid as most television producers seem to think and the viewership proved it. Vince Gilligan is the king of the world right now and in true showbiz fashion closed it down right at its peak.

The show's going to be talked about, dissected and used as standard that all other dramas will be judged by. Last night my girl mentioned a very minor detail she saw in the first episode that was referenced in the last episode that I doubt many people will even remember. The whole series is airtight and you can tell the writers lived and breathed those characters, regardless of how many people got all the little payoffs.

Not sure what to think about the spinoff. Obviously if its the same writers then it should be good but I am not holding my breath on that one.

We are in a Golden Age of television. Too bad I don't have cable.

Its been raining a lot lately. I love it. I am currently sitting with my door open as the cool air and sound of rain comes into my apartment. I also opened my window and placed a towel on the sill to soak up the rain. Fall is close and its a glorious change I've eagerly waited for.

I live near a high school. And right around this time the streets are buzzing with kids walking home, busses driving by. Its very pleasant actually. Like a slice of small town simplicity. I can actually hear the bell ring from my apartment.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Well technically Sunday is my birthday but tomorrow Im getting together with some people and were going to just hang out downtown in a quaint little section of Austin that are a bunch of small houses that have been transformed into bars. Should be fun.

My career is in full swing. Its better than its ever been and right in time for the financial goal I set to hit before my birthday. Im not actually there as we speak but if things maintain their trajectory I should be fine. So a few months off is okay by me. As per my usual self I question how long it can stay this good. The only thing I can do is keep busting my ass for my clients and hope the results speak for themselves.

I have reached a point where I now have a skillset that few people have (or maybe care to develop) and it feels good. I've put in my time. I've worked for practically nothing. I've been disrespected by business owners who have no clue how to treat people who work for them because there was no HR department to complain to and I couldn't afford to speak up. I've taken roles that were not mine to concern myself with. I've dealt with achingly slow payments. I've even been criminally underpaid at times knowing the education and experience would pay off someday.

There was no degree I could get for this. No apprenticeship. Its just a combination of luck and recognizing an opportunity when it presents itself. Then taking action. And picking my battles. I've read books. I've attended seminars. I've listened to good and bad advice. I've hung out with douchebags and held my tongue. Now the dust has settled and here I am. But I cant stop pushing forward.

My life is a balance of satisfaction with where I am and a desire to make it something better. So I come to this birthday grateful for my life, proud of myself and a little scared its too good to be true. It feels like its the beginning of something new and different. But really you can say that about every single day we have.

Big gap in between posts so sorry about that 50 year old me.

Lets see... been dating a gal for a little bit. Working my ass off. Recording music here and there. Getting out of the house as much as possible. Sailing a decent amount.

I really got into Breaking Bad so I spend my Sundays at a cool watch party with a lot of other fans as each new episode is aired. Thats fun. Four episodes left.

Friends are having babies all around me. People are falling in love and out of love and in between love. New friends are showing up. Some are kind of slipping away. The good ones are still there and always will be.

I am about to turn 35. Whoah. Yeah. The good thing is work is going well so Im hoping this will be a great year for me financially. For some reason getting that part of my life together is important for my 35th year. Now comes the ability to keep a woman for longer than 3 months.

Not reading enough. Not working out enough.

Yawn. See you in another two months. :P

Bertrand Russell

I am reading The Conquest of Happiness. While dated, Russell nails a lot of important things that make the book worthy of reading. We'll get back to that in a second...

The other day I took two of my friends out on the sailboat and had an awesome day.

In the car on the way to the lake we began discussing stuff we normally talk about. One of the guys was born a Hindu and has a lot of out-of-the-box thinking that I find totally refreshing. He said something about how its important to find something bigger than yourself to believe in. Not necessarily a God (The other friend is an atheist) but something that helps you realize that the world is much bigger than you are.

Then today while reading this book Russell said this...

"The man who can center his thoughts and hopes upon something transcending self can find a certain peace in the ordinary troubles of life which is impossible to the pure egoist"

As I get older I find this is the crux of a lot of my issues. I am usually completely consumed with myself. My thoughts, my actions, what they mean and how they affect others. Its been that way since I was a child. It makes perfect sense that the more you try to dissect the complicated people we are, the more confounded and depressed you will become.

Sure its important to understand yourself but there has to be a line drawn as to what is important to focus on, and what is simply an overdeveloped ego bordering on narcissism.

Definitely glad to be considering these new integrations into my life.