cherry on top

My 10 month relationship is over. She was right about a lot what she said about me. I think that's what will get me most when its very quiet.

dizzy

this weekend was a range of emotions. Here is what went down in the last couple days.

1. Saw my grandmother

Shes losing her short term memory and asks me questions that she asked me 30 minutes ago. She doesn't do or say much of anything. She just stares off. I ask her how she feels. She says she feels fine. Shes not sad. Shes not hurting. But there is a blank-ness that is upsetting to witness. And there is simply nothing I can do about it but remind her how much I love her.

2. Saw an old friend I consider one of my few lifelong friends for the first time in a LONG time.

He is good. We drove around to some local places I would have never revisited. Like the Channelview duck pond. I think I went there twice in my whole life. We drove around a lot and talked. He saw the field where the house used to be and marveled at the change. We talked about big things. Friends with new children, the woman that broke his heart, everything.

We then went to a coffee shop and met another friend of ours who is running for public office. He got something like 30K votes in the last election which blows my mind. He too is concerned about our economy and had I not been reading the resources I have been, I would have called him insane. But I don't feel that way anymore.

He spent the evening texting back and forth to his current girlfriend. They are on the outs and he was totally playing the aloof, I am in control, make her come to me thing that I remember actively taking part in with women in the past. He was not himself.

My good friend, silently taking all this in, is very religious. Which surprised me to hear him curse more than once that night. He called our posturing friend a selfish bastard (semi-jokingly but with a bight to it). He also said asshole in one of our conversations and I was yet again struck with awe at this.

The three of us dug into a heavy religious discussion. No more youth group style holding back. I laid out my biggest issues with Christianity. I told him about my atheist friends and their valid questions. We really talked like adults for the first time about something that has been a backdrop to our friendship for 15 years. It was very good conversation and I deeply admire him for his beliefs and who he is as a person. I left the conversation more aware of my flaws as a human being than I have been in a long time. Is that good? We then went to an awful bar for karaoke but ended up just sitting and talking more.

3. I met my cousins new baby boy.

I held him. That might be a first for me. He is a very beautiful kid and I'm not just saying that. I probed the new parents on how their life has changed. Saying its been flipped upside down is obviously an understatement. My grandmother held the baby. I took a photo.

They are going to be excellent parents. They are ready. At 26 they have surpassed most parents I know. The mother posts her desire to be the best mother she can be on facebook. She wants to the world to know.

I learned how they plan to raise him to trust in God, their hopes for his education, how they plan on enjoying their lives with him. I asked a lot of things but held a lot of questions back as well. Some things Im sure they are learning as they go.

In the middle of our conversation my grandmother starting coughing and couldn't stop. We all paused and tried to help her. I felt a sort of silent realization from everyone in the room. She got better and the conversation continued.

It was great to see them. But a reminder that my closeness with my cousin is going to have to transform into something new. His priorities are now fully focused on his son. And our relationship has been in flux for years now. I miss him sometimes. But he wants me to be a part of his sons life. So I will adapt to whatever new dynamic that forms between us.

The weekend was a very self-reflective few days. The whole thing felt heavy with importance. New life, fading life, questions about myself and my place. What I want. What I don't know. What I cannot control. Things I have on the horizon I don't want to face. Things I have been ignoring, things I must prepare for. Friends and their flaws. Change in a way that is more apparent than ever. I am tumbling along and its starting to seem less "Hey well look at that!" to a much more pressing emotion that leaves me honestly feeling mostly uneasy.

rocket

just wrote a new song. Its pure. Its honest. It brought a little pain coming out. Its actually pretty good. Its called rocket. it goes like this

Bm, D, A, G
Em, G, D, A

yep.;)