Faced it. Won.

Today I face my fear. I will get back on the water.

Its gonna be fine. Cant say I wont be nervous.

birthday

I had a blast Saturday night. About 15 people came to my birthday and we all had a really great time. Everyone was cheerful and integrated flawlessly. We ended up dancing near the end of the evening and I hung out with a beautiful (shy) gal afterward. One of the better birthdays I have had in awhile. People called to tell me how much fun they had. Why we don't do these kinds of things outside of birthdays is beyond me.

A couple of my clients are dropping out but new clients are in the works. I realize the need to keep the pipeline full as clients come and go. The truth is I won't hit it out of the park for everyone. The coolest part is I have not started living a much more expensive lifestyle so I can afford a level of fluctuation in income month after month.

I have not gone back after the boating incident. I know Ill have to face them again soon. I guess Im just letting a little time go by.

Drink Dunkin Donuts coffee its great.

Today would have been my Grandmother's 88th birthday. Last year I went up to Dallas and we grilled outside and I had some wine by the lake. She was a couple months from passing on. I'm glad I went up there for that. I had no clue her condition would worsen at that rate. It was astonishing the difference between late September and November.

I hope when my time comes I will have a family surrounding me like she had in those last moments. It wasn't a cold hospital. It wasn't alone. It was the way it should be. Send her off with dignity and love.

Let me see if I can explain this cause its worth documenting:

Today I was a bit bummed about some typical daily stuff we all get consumed by and I was feeling restless and down. I stepped outside to check my mail and noticed the weather was fantastic. I decided to open the door while I worked and went back to my desk and put on Pandora.

While completely consumed in my work I quickly noticed that dull feeling of sadness was gone. I searched for it and realized its because of the weather being so nice, the smell of outside and the music being so good. While my conscious worked, my unconscious processed the new environment I gave myself and I got a hit of some good chemicals in my brain and I didnt even really try.

I've never before been so aware of how your environment shapes things for you unconsciously. Neat.

I figured for my birthday Saturday I would dress like an adult so I went out and bought myself a very nice set of clothes from Zara. The fit of these clothes are incredible. Im still rocking the off-white chucks with them though. Gotta represent childhood in some capacity. Maybe Ill wear spider man underoos beneath it all and surprise the hell out of someone that night.

Up until recently I had a destructively envious side to me. I still battle it from time to time but its much more manageable than it used to be.

If I heard someone get a promotion I was jealous. If someone made a lot of money I hated them a little. I had a couple friends start businesses and do well. I secretly wanted them to fail.

Its embarrassing but it made me very curious as to what was going on inside my head. From my experience, truly content and happy people only want happiness and contentment for others. Jealousy, envy and all those awful emotions are rooted in personal dissatisfaction and its easy to delude ourselves and hate them rather than look in the mirror.

So rather than allow this childishness to continue I did something about it.

Now I have two clients out of that decision. One was actually the object of my jealousy. I find that funny and awesome. Instead of being envious I offered them something of value that I could provide and now my life is a little better because of it. The powerless emotion of jealousy is a plague and I am fortunate enough to realize this and not let it dictate my fate.

First step, identify it. Second step, understand it. Third step, change it.

I am so far disconnected from the creative side of me that it really starts to get me down. I need a vacation. My friend told me she just came back from Portland and it was an amazing city. She feels renewed.

That's what this is. A rut. I need to get out for awhile and see something new.

I'm psychic. I lost $25 actually with the rebuy.

But I did make it to the final table. So 7th place out of 30 people or so is not so bad. It was a total blast but draining on me. I was a retard near the end making dumb mistakes. I was the obvious newb at the table. They were nice about it. Nice enough for a bunch of poker dudes I guess.

Gambler

Tonight I buy into a pretty legit poker tournament. Its only $15 so no big deal if I lose. I'm going with a gal who is apparently pretty good.

Tomorrow's post will be about how I lost $15.

He's Going the Distance

Yesterday I raced Go Karts.

This was nothing like the experience I had as a kid. This facility was top notch. There were leather couches where you would wait for your race time. People were there with their own helmets and gloves. The karts hauled as. Some of the racers were crazy good.

I placed 6th out of 12 people for both of the races I was in, so right in the middle. Your times are posted on a giant TV screen. Each race is also recorded online so you can log in and check your stats.

This was the real deal and it was a total blast.

I resolved my big work issue for now it would seem. It basically boiled down to my not living in fear and taking proactive steps to correct a situation. I felt my ass hanging in the breeze with the move but I chose to take my own advice and trust that a move based on pure good intentions and honesty would only result in good things (eventually).

Seems to be true so far. Who knows what tomorrow brings but I have renewed faith that my deeper beliefs aren't self-help nonsense.