Speaking of the album...

We are currently remixing a lot of it. Some of the tracks are getting that HUGE sound that we were debating we wanted. We are going for it.

I am pretty excited about a few of the tracks in particular. 2012 will be interesting indeed.

2011

Pretty interesting year.

I moved into my own place after having lived with a friend for about a year and a half. I went through a death in the family, a breakup, a full year of self employment, started working out consistently, got a pet, wrote a book, started up a mastermind group, finished tracking an album, developed a deeper interest in politics and economics and successfully paid off my taxes for 2010 (in December haha).

Sounds like a busy year but it really didn't feel that way. I have spent too much time in this apartment and that distorts everything from my emotions to my feelings of accomplishment.

I want more for 2012. Better relationships, better income, more traveling, more music, less isolation, more/better sex.

I also want to be present in the moment and learn to feel more peace with my situation and where I am while at the same time striving to better myself. I want to continue to dissect the lies my negative inner voice convinces me of. Less knee-jerk emotion founded on cloudy hypotheses. I want more truth.

I want to continue the good trends. I am seeing real gains with working out so I want to up that. I want to branch into yoga and more full body exercise. I want to really hit the marketing of my book and create new products. I want to have our CD release and see how the world accepts our album. I want to possibly start a new project with new musicians.

I want to read more. Get out more. See more good films. Continue to develop a healthy social life with intelligent people who offer my life something other than a drinking buddy. This is a challenge at 33.

In fact here are some of my biggest challenges;

1. Procrastination

I am a professional. I have to treat this like a petulant child and reign him in. Procrastination is not only a total waste of my valuable time, it also affects my self-esteem. If I think of something that needs to be done, I need to act immediately. In business this is called speed of implementation and a big factor in a successful entrepreneur's mindset. I see this is true across all aspects of life.

2. Loneliness

One of my more prominent emotions. I want to get to the heart of this because most of this emotion is founded on total bullshit and self deprecation. But it affects my whole life. My drive, my current relationships, my actions. There is a message in it and I have not gotten to the truth of it yet. Getting out of the house will help with this somewhat and being more proactive about handling it rather than letting it own me. Like any emotion I am in total control and have no one to blame but myself for not making it serve me to my benefit.

3. Foresight

Part of this has to do with procrastination but I want to start preparing for things better. Making decisions with long-term goals in mind. My twenties were devoid of foresight. Which may explain why I have little to show for them.

Theres a lot more but I suddenly want to do something else. Soooooo

4. Following through with things

Went on a date with a woman last night who literally would not look me in the eye the entire time. It was comedy. I showed up nervous but she eclipsed me by leaps and bounds. Fidgety, shifty and seriously maybe a total of 5 quick moments of eye contact in over 2 hours of conversation. I felt better about my sometimes difficulty with eye contact. At one point I playfully grabbed her body and made her face me. No luck. She just looked off to the side as she talked.

In other news:

For the first time in my life I have crossed the 160 lb threshold. I have weighed 150-155 since I was 17ish and I stayed in that threshold the entire time. I now weigh about 163. This whole dedication to exercise thing is having actual effect.

The Memo is Out

I've been following Ron Paul for a year now. He went from ignored to mocked and now the media elites are going on the offensive. He is tied for First place in Iowa. Every single article has little asides that jab at him... "Ron Paul doing well, though no one expects him to win..." etc etc.

The only journalist who is recognizing and honestly commenting on what is happening isn't a journalist at all. Jon Stewart, whose influence extends well beyond comedy, is helping my man Ron out.

I wish I could hand everyone his book End the Fed. I wish I could express how no other candidate on either side has a fucking clue about how to take this country back from the brink of collapse. Honestly Ron probably wont stop runaway inflation. But a total collapse of the Middle Class as we know it (Surpassing the devastation of the Great Depression due to a worldwide reliance on the dollar) is no longer a crazy theory but an actual reality. And the only person who sees this and has a real plan to combat it is him.

And it seems a lot of people in the media have a personal agenda to make sure he does not win and will do everything they can to stop it. It makes sense because many, many institutions are threatened by a Paul presidency. At the last debate Paul said something to the effect of Americans think we're pulling out of Iraq but no one considers all the contractors over there making money. This is one example of his brutal honesty that will inevitably piss off a LOT of people. His life will surely be in danger if he becomes the nominee. He would gut Obama in a debate. He would win. And would need constant security around him all the time.

There is a debate tonight I want to watch but I have a date so Ill have to catch the replay.

But I am excited for him. And im worried he wont win and what that will mean for us... more useless wars, more federal reserve shananigans and a $300 hamburger.

Getting colder out which I enjoy. Work situation is good. Talking with a potential 4th client tomorrow but we'll see if it pans out.

Social life looking good. Finances, check. Health, check.

It just keeps going. I'm right in the middle of it and happy to be alive.

Today I was reading about a concept called the Hedonic Treadmill which basically explains how a person's happiness is like a thermostat and usually falls within a certain range over the course of a lifetime. Little fluctuations here and there but overall there is a sweet spot of general well being that is supposedly controlled by your genetics, outside experiences and beliefs.

It explains why getting rich tends to not increase people's overall happiness for very long, why you bounce back from difficult times regardless of how hard it was and other things. As in any research there are challenges to the theory but I find it interesting.

My feelings on my Grandmas passing are diverse and complex. The bulk of emotion comes from the realization that for the last 10 years she bottled up my Grandfather's death and this killed her spirit. I honestly can't remember the last time I heard her laugh. It was literally something like 7-10 years ago. This is not living. It broke my heart every time I would visit her. I would try to get her to talk to me about anything and it was a painful experience. Her smiles were brief and usually seemed equally sad at the same time.

I realize that many people are terrified of their emotions and will do extreme things to not have to experience them fully. I say fuck that. Experience them fully. Soak in them awhile. Get it out. Lean on someone if you can. Get a little better. Fall back a bit. Get better again. Finally dust yourself off fully, take something valuable from it and keep going with an open heart and mind as to whats next. I have been just as guilty as others but I see the folly in holding things in.

So my feelings about all this are mostly relief mixed with nostalgia, appreciation and anxiety of the speed and intensity that comes with this kind of massive change.

But I'm moving forward with the lessons learned and a better idea of what I want from my time here.

I will say that I am surprised certain people have not reached out to hear how I am or express condolences (not that I feel they are needed). And I'm speaking of multiple people. It might just be this topic is so damn uncomfortable that they dont know what to say. But it hurts just a little bit to realize your life is an afterthought to most people but yourself and a few close close friends.

But we knew this.

The funeral is over. We had it back in Channelview at the old church. Saw people I have not seen in years. She did not look the same. They put more makeup on her than she has ever worn her entire life. That and there is always something missing with the bodies of the people you knew when their soul is no longer inside. Its subtle but they look weird.

Several of us got up to speak. A few non-family members got up to speak. I was the only person who actually wrote something down. I am not good thinking on my feet. I read the following while shaking pretty badly from both nerves and emotion:

Ive read that unconditional love is important to a person’s growth as a functioning and happy adult. Knowing someone loves you all the way, unconditionally and how that will never change. A child needs this.

I always knew that my grandmother loved me unconditionally. She told me I was smart. She told me I was handsome. She spanked me on the butt when I needed it. She cried at my terrible 16 year old poetry. She always took my side when people were against me. She was so in tune with my emotions at times I felt like she could read my mind.

As I grew older I began to search out my own answers to life. Of course I separated from some of her beliefs. I realized every mentor and adult I grew up with was human and trying to figure things out too.

Yet I never forgot what she did for me. She helped me to become an adult by offering herself 100% to me as a child. She was the textbook definition of what all good parents are. My structure, my disciplinarian, my safe harbor and my biggest fan.

And it wasn’t just me that she gave so much to. I watched her nurse numerous people to a peaceful passing in that same room in the old house on Lakeside Drive. I never quite understood why anyone would want to take on those burdens… but few people are as selfless as she was.

So I owe a lot of my development to her. I know many people here have been touched deeply by her too. I look forward to hearing new stories and insights from the people here today. So if you have something to say please say it.

Her passing should be a reminder to us all. Life is short. Very very short. (avging 28,000 days give or take). I had a philosophy professor say that he believes he became an adult when he lost his brother. He said he started making decisions with the understanding that his time is limited. That stuck with me.

And I believe the real meaning lies in the relationships with the people around you. Your family. Your friends. Your neighbors. We’re all in this together and trying to figure it out too. Because of my grandmother I think I have a more clear picture of what life is about. Its loving something more than you love yourself. Its giving your energy and time selflessly to the people you care about. Its savoring those moments with the understanding that they are limited.

So while I am sad she is gone, I know that she is free from the earthly body that she was bound to. She has taken that next step into a place that none of us can say we understand with certainty. But I believe that someone who has loved and given of themselves to so many like she did has absolutely nothing to fear. Thanks Grandma, we love you and we’ll see you soon.

Jessie Pearl Maker - Sept 24, 1924 - November 28, 2011

The most important person in my upbringing has passed away. I do believe she is free from the prison of her body and I will see her again someday.

She is barely hanging on. I was shocked at the decline because I saw her in late September and she was leagues above this. Her time is down to weeks at the most.

The family is here and we will have our Thanksgiving today. I'm sure Ill have more to say later.

grandma

Results are not good. They think cancer has made it to her bone marrow. We are waiting on word from an oncologist about possible options but it basically comes down to letting her spend the next several months in peace or try invasive things.

Im heading to Dallas for Thanksgiving. Everyone is going of course. We all want to get some quality time with her while she is coherent and able to communicate.

The women in my family are little sherman tanks so I will shoot for hopeful optimism.

great weekend. Met some new people. Made a couple more sales with the new product. Went out with friends. Practiced with the band. Made out with a gal. Got a client check in the mail. My cat is puking less.

Heading to Dallas this week. Grandma is in the hospital for some minor yet still important things. The doctor tells us her esophagus is weak due to age and this has been causing her to have a hard time swallowing. She is anemic so I believe they are giving her some blood as well.

We are going to meet over Thanksgiving to discuss a possible alternative method of her getting nutrients she needs. I feel more stressed just thinking about all this.

first sale

made my first sale with my new project. This is actually pretty big. It has a pulse.

inspired by a friends list, I think I want to make mine now. :)


What I want before I hit 35

1. 100K/yr income
2. House
3. A gal with potential
4. Fit Body
5. Awesome band playing regularly
6. At least yearly trips to foreign countries
7. 100% Debt free

9 minute mile

yesterday I ran a mile in about 8:50. It was on a treadmill so I don't exactly know how impressive that is. I hear 10 minutes is pretty common.

But I'm proud of myself. I could probably push that to below 8 minutes someday.

I know I need to stop the casual smoking. But man a cigarette is so good with beer.

In the past I made the mistake of making too many posts like the last one. No one, even myself, wants to hear updates on something like this so Ill only post if really significant things happen.

I can see 50 year old me thinking how my blog started sucking after November 2011.

Looks like Thanksgiving is going to be in Dallas. Grandma is having more and more old person problems and its tough to hear. Lumps that need checking, problems swallowing, problems seeing and just overall downhill things.

The amputation really put her on a faster decline then any of us would like to admit. She is stubborn about eating, practically refuses to drink water and other frustrating things. My aunt is a Saint for taking care of her. I hope the family can make it to Dallas this year.

waiting sucks

I hate waiting.

I have my product created, the sales letter up and functioning and all that's left is to get the approval from the company that will handle the credit card processing and I will be able to take this project live.

Its a 3-5 day process. This is going to be excruciating.

I have a good feeling about this project. I hope it will supplement my income and possibly one day become my main source.

my band is pretty much in limbo right as we finish our album. It sucks a bit. None of us are very into it. We spent a year on the album and I like 3 or 4 songs on it so while excited to get those heard by people, I definitely see that this is the last leg of the band and Im not necessarily broken-hearted about it.

We've been together since 2007 which is crazy. I posted a lot of entries on this blog about my experiences. I had a lot of great memories. Also I have never had so much silent interpersonal strife in my entire life. Volumes of things unsaid behind tightly sealed lips. Nights of mock conversations where I just let it out as if people were standing there. Lost sleep. Fantasies of punching people. Seriously the things you read about with bands are true.

You take egos and creativity and you can get some very bad things.

But I know with the passing of time there will be no hard feelings or bad juju. It was a great period of my life. I learned a hell of a lot about myself in some very unexpected ways. Overall we were very respectful to each other and if not friends, at least cordial associates (as stuffy as that sounds).

I still want to play music. I have no clue where to take it. But its not gone.

If there ever was a seminal moment in someones life this is it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q9wSp8sdEI&feature=youtube_gdata

Boil It Down - HWR

I have a habit of complicating everything.

But today I think I boiled down my life into 3 categories I should focus on every day.

1. Health

Diet, exercise, preventative maintenance, dealing with any illness...things like reading, meditation, artistic pursuits and other forms of mental health are included in this category.

2. Wealth

Saving, income growth, new clients, new projects, staying on top of current client responsibilities, budgeting, paying down debt etc.

3. Relationships

nurturing your friendships, intimate relationships, and family. Increasing your social circle, networking opportunities, philanthropic endeavors, and just basic human interaction etc.

Ranking in importance I would say Health, Relationships and Wealth but I think it has a nice rhyming vibe to say Health, Wealth Relationships. HWR. The key to a full and happy life.

I got this idea from my info marketing experience. They say that when you create a product you want to create an evergreen product that will stand the test of the time and will be useful to a large group of people. These three categories are where you should start. They are timeless according to the world of marketing but I see it perfectly describing a healthy and happy person so I'm stealing it for myself.

Interestingly I notice that if one of these suffers the others are directly affected. And most unhappiness I can think of easily and squarely falls into one of these categories.

Personally my relationship column feels lacking to me lately while the others are strong. My unhappiness/dissatisfaction is directly related to frequent isolation and loneliness more than anything else. Health is good thank God and I am making more money than ever so I am thankful for these things. I just need to get the hell out of the house.

Oh Wow. Oh Wow. Oh Wow.

These were Steve Job's last words as he passed on.

I got chills when I read that. It's so uplifting.

One can only speculate as to what exactly he meant by that. I'd like to think he was getting a glimpse at the world beyond this physical life.

I do believe there is something that happens. Why should we assume it's something to fear?

34 will be big

I meet with a group of guys every Thursday. It was my idea and its starting to come together well. I got the idea from my old boss who pays something like $12K per year to attend a meeting of other marketers where they share their best strategies and newest revelations. I was blown away to hear that one day was worth 12,000 dollars to him. He gets back way more than he pays I am certain of that.

The industry word for it is a Mastermind Group.

The concept was first introduced by Napoleon Hill back in the early 1900s. He basically interviewed some of the most successful people of the day and wrote Think and Grow Rich out of those interviews. Apparently the Mastermind Group is something many successful people had in common. Most masterminds have no cost. Some like my bosses do.

Well I grabbed a few guys and we have formed our own version of a mastermind group.

Its free of course but its to help keep us motivated, hold each other accountable and offer our unique skills to help each other achieve our goals.

There is a slight conflict of interest that I will talk about if it starts to become an issue. It might. Nothing that wont be solvable of course.

But I am excited with the potential. We are really coming up with some awesome ideas. I have nearly finished my ebook on getting gigs and have most of the video sales letter figured out as well. One of the guys in the group is a web guy so he can help me with the technical details of the site.

For instance there is a way to make the buy button appear after a certain period of time. That way the person watching the video is not distracted by it until its actually time to buy. Pretty cool technology.

My plan is to create an interview series where I sit down with various "industry insiders" like my mega talented friend sam, a gal I know who books shows etc and just record our conversations while I pick their brain on the best strategies to succeeding as a band.

I haven't exactly figured out how I am going to package these interviews but it could be really cool.

I have some pretty big goals to hit for 34. I just might get there. I made a quiet promise to myself (and out loud to one of the guys) that if I did hit my goal I would take the mastermind group to Trulucks for dinner on me. For some reason that sounds exciting. I have 11 months to make it happen.

last post sounded cynical. It was. But I dont always feel that way. Today for instance. I am having Gelato in a coffee shop. Not a bad work day. This cute lass across the way seems sweet. Id totally marry her.

Nevermind she has a ring on.

I look around me and realize I have a non-traditional life.

Honestly you cant really compare your life to anyone else's from a value perspective but just a general survey via Facebook and my immediate surroundings shows me something that is atypical of people my age.

Most people in their late twenties/early thirties get married and have kids. Its just what people do. I am very far away from either of those things. But I found it funny that profile after profile are recently married people and/or people taking pictures of their kids.

Apparently kids are a joyous thing for most people. Enough to be nauseatingly invasive with their pictures. I would probably be the same way. But don't those parents realize they just made a 200K+ investment with ZERO guarantees. Of course they don't. We are driven to breed and I will be there one day as well.

So what exactly is wrong with me?

I know I have been commitment-phobic throughout my twenties but that isn't horribly rare. I have dated women but usually with a disposable mentality. The good ones just didn't work out. I take a lot of the responsibility but I also see their additions to the fallout.

I didn't plan on it or even consider it but at this point I am facing a world where most awesome gals have been snatched up or knocked up or are too young to be awesome just yet.

My choices come down to women with kids, divorced women or young gals in their 20s who don't know what the hell they want. Show me a cute, smart, funny, unmarried, undivorced, childless 30 something and I will introduce you to Santa.

Its a rough situation that will only get more real as I get older. I go to bars and meet women and it seems even more vapid than ever. Bars are obviously NOT the place to meet my woman. I understand this but when I work from home ALL day long I am ready to get out of the house. What is there to do after 8pm where a large number of attractive single females congregate? Bars of course.

I'm sure there are late night Yoga Classes and other great ideas so I am fully aware that I haven't given it my all but man I am not positive about my prospects lately. I am going to focus on setting myself up financially, working out, writing new music, hanging with my few friends, occasionally sleeping with women I don't really care about and going out dancing. Let the chips fall where they may.

New Project

I am writing a book on getting gigs and playing shows based on my experience.

I already have a website and the book is about 70% complete. I have a plan to market it bubbling in my brain.

Keep all 3 of you posted.

seriously im straight.

I think mentioning I have a cat is killing my chances with the ladies.

But come on isnt she cute!

iraq

Obama just announced the "end of the war in Iraq".

I am uneasy. Is this a political move for reelection? Is this so they will have more troops to fight another useless war with someone else?

I dont feel confident that this was made for reasons Obama claims.

Over the last decade we spent 757 billion on this war. What a complete waste.

new amp

just bought a used fender blues deluxe reissue.

The tone is ridiculous. I have made it 33 years without owning a tube amp and I am never going back. I would be a much better guitarist had I had an amp like this sooner. Just playing around with it by itself is addicting. I can imagine once I get a band behind it how its going to sound.

Bought it from a friend of mine for 450. Its a great deal. I hope there is nothing seriously wrong with it. It has a strange buzz when I play one particular note which is odd but that might be my shitty guitar's electronics. Ill have to investigate further.

But oh man you gotta hear this tone.

dancing

Went dancing last night.

It was a friend's birthday and she wanted to go so we ended up at the only good dance club in austin. The music is killer and the energy is great.

I really enjoy going deep into that world for awhile. The sweaty women. The music. The zen like state of just falling into that groove. You leave your head and suddenly you're not thinking too much or worried about anything. Its a little vacation.

Add in a decent buzz and I'm all smiles and jumping around. I grab women I dont know and spin them around. High five dudes if they know the lyrics to the good songs. Definitely a different state that I wish I could be in more oustide of that environment. Its a form of meditation for sure.

Last night a gal approaches me while im standing off to the side of the floor. At this point I am drenched with sweat like I just jumped into a pool. She walks up says something to me I couldnt really hear and then runs her hand down my chest. She then pulls her hand up to her face and licks her palm while looking me dead in the eye. I went caveman on her and made out with her. Then some dude appeared and stole her away.

I know pretty soon Ill be much to old to do that sort of thing (if Im not already) but it was pretty awesome. It truly is another world that I think I will partake in a little longer before calling it a day.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

uck the mainstream media! CNN, Fox News, CNBC all of them. ALL OF THEM. Ron Paul wins poll after poll and all they do is try to hold the man down and discredit him in various ways. Yet another candidate wins and hes front page.

They are all a bunch of prostitutes with Zero journalistic integrity.

new client

got another one. Of course I have to deliver results so that will mean more stress but I am proud of myself today. Its a new setup where I have a chance to make more as I make my client more. That's good because I know I can bring the magic.

I am currently shirtless in front of my window looking out on a cool and sunny day drinking coffee. I have nothing to complain about right now. I feared posting this because I am often a superstitious moron but that has never gotten me anywhere.

I marched with the Occupy Austin kids. It was interesting.

Dating was so much easier when I was an asshole.

I've been on several dates lately where I think Im boring the women. Im nice. Im myself. Im not screwing with them enough.

Im trying to strike a balance between the dick that I was and the dude looking for something real. Its a fine line and I don't know if I have ever tried to walk it before.

I used to have pretty solid game and my life would involve multiple women at once. It was great but I wasn't remotely thinking long term. Now I am and have gone soft. You might recall a few posts back where I thought I found my mojo again. I did not. Somewhere on the date the woman realizes I am not much of a challenge and thats that. Disinterest. Imperceptible to both them and myself. I know this game. I used to deftly maneuver around it. But it required BS. I had hoped I would be able to step away from it. Think I might need to awaken Mr. Hyde again and see what happens.

Speaking of going soft, this is probably the longest sexless streak I have ever been on. I believe its pushing beyond 3 months. Strangely I am not clawing at the walls or anything. Its actually the opposite. When you're getting it regularly you want it more. When you go without you start to not even really want it. Its like nature is saying ok this guy is useless evolutionarily so instilling drive is a waste of our time here.

But Im approaching my mid thirties now (jeeeeesus) and I am definitely noticing a drop in libido. Working out helps but really I am not consumed with sex like I was in my teens and twenties. I remember times when my libido was a raging behemoth and I wanted to impregnate 97% of the women i would meet. I sort of miss it but I dont. It owned me. If I could have channeled half of that desire into my finances or hobbies I would be much better off now. Pretty sure that's a standard regret for lots of guys. No time like the present! Turn away from the hoohah! Focus on yourself dammit!

Vet

Took the cat to the vet to solve the every day puking issue. A bag of special food for her was 48 bucks. Ridiculous. They shoved a thermometer up her butt. It looked uncomfortable.

Steve Jobs

He has passed away. I didnt know him. I knew his products. I know his legacy.

But hes a father and husband. I hope his family is ok.

56 is way way too young.

Tonight I lay down, alive. Im thankful for it and more aware that there is not much more that matters other than love.

Here is a great commencement speech he gave in 2005

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1R-jKKp3NA&feature=player_embedded

I remember when I was 20 and I went to Paris with a group of students.

The newness of being in a foreign country was an overwhelming feeling of life. As if I were a new person in a new world. My senses were on fire.

The group went to a pub. While doing shots and having fun with these people, suddenly everyone had to leave. I was confused. Little did I realize it was because a girl in the group dug me and expressed interest in hanging out alone with me. The whole group collectively decided to make that happen.

There I sat in this pub on a major thoroughfare of Paris having drinks with a woman. She was way into me. I have no clue what we talked about. I do recall we stumbled back to the hotel, taking the long way, falling into alleys making out. Our energy was electric and couples on the street stopped us to talk. Our mood transcended the language barrier. For me, it was a night many other nights have been judged by.

For some reason this song is the embodiment of the way that night felt. The lyrics are incorrect but the vibe is spot on. Its being young and new and alive. I dig this memory and this song brings me there again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9WEeKYID4I

Someday I will look down at my hands and see the hands of an old man. Ill go to the mirror and marvel at the fact that my youth is gone. Ill think back to the days surrounding my life right now and have things I wish I had changed, things I should have savored. Places i should have visited. People I should have kept in touch with. Women I should have fallen in love with. Apologies I should have given. Fear that held me back unnecessarily. The problem is even though I KNOW this, you simply cant force yourself to truly process it and understand it until it happens. I CAN force myself to have the discipline to take this moment seriously. This moment here. Its all I have. Everything else isn't real.

To paraphrase Kierkegaard, Life is lived forward but understood in reverse.

Blackout

Today is day 15 of a massive protest in NYC. Its also spreading to other cities. A bunch of pissed off people from all walks of life angered at Wall Street and the small amount of people who plunder the American populace. But you wouldnt know it if you turned to the major news networks.

Things are bubbling.

Im not saying its going to be 60s kind of revolution but something is happening and Im fascinated to see it transpire.

The problem is they have no demands. No leadership. Its just people. They need to agree on some sort of resolution or they would just protest for the sake of protesting with no end in sight.

I think they will solidify as the weeks go on. I have no clue how long this thing will last or how big it will get.

watch it live:

http://www.livestream.com/globalrevolution

As Ive been watching this the situation has turned into a standoff on the Brooklyn Bridge. All traffic stopped. Police pushing the crowd back. The views on the site went from about 3K to 18K+ in a matter of minutes. WOW.

lately im either in a fantastic mood or restless and anxious. That's my two choices. No calm middle ground that most people seem to live in.

I'm trying to piece together the reasons I have a constant permeating dis-ease. Restless. From what I can tell on the surface is partly this self employment thing I bring up over and over again. It really puts me in a weird place sometimes. Isolation distorts everything and leads you down some very dark alleys.

Another possibility... I'd like to have a woman in my life. Its not that I don't have options. Hung out with one last night. But like the others, this one is not right for me either and I know it. The last thing i want to be is rigid to the point of never being with someone but these women I have been meeting lately don't feel right. And the ones I really think would be cool are hesitant. Dating sucks sometimes.

Financially Im okay. Of course I have an anything can happen mindset and think at any moment I could lose it. My motivation to really excel and find new clients and other income streams is low.

I think overall I dont really know what the hell I am doing. I dont have something driving me to wake up and seize the moment. Its not money. I know that wont do it. Its not fame with music. I lost that desire a few years ago. Its not hot women. That pleasure is short lived and ego based and usually dissappointing.

Its like all these things are an itch that never really gets scratched. And most people are tricked into thinking that the lack of satisfaction from trying to scratch it means we need more, or some other incarnation of it. Its BS. Theres something else that will satisfy fully and life is the pursuit of that ultimate scratch. Still trying to figure out what that is. I have some ideas.

Birthday 33 and stuff

Birthday was good.

I had a few people join me at the Ginger Man. Michelle wrapped kitty litter as a joke birthday present. An already opened box. I did not bring it home with me.

I did get pretty drunk. A gal I went to college with that I see every now and then was out at the same venue and she approached me and gave me a hug. I then drunkenly said things that made her get mad and walk away.

I vaguely remember but I think I said something about her divorce and called her a Black Widow now that she's single. Something like that. That was the beginning of a string of things I said that lead to her just walking away. I felt pretty bad about it but its pretty hilarious also. My filter was haywire and my drunken banter didnt go over so well. I wrote her and apologized.

I have a third date tomorrow night with a gal I meet at an internet marketing event. I will say nothing more at this time about that.

33. Holy Jeeze that sounds old. I have some goals set that I want to hit before 34. I think I can do it!

My cat pukes once every day. Still trying to figure that one out.

I went to Dallas this weekend to visit my Grandmother for her birthday. My aunt bought a cake and we had a little mini dual birthday thing with myself, my mother, my aunt and my grandmother. I grilled shishkabobs. I have never had to spell that in print before and I have no clue if that is accurate. Pretty sure its not but I am not Googling it.

Working out still. Lots of cute women at the gym. But not much opportunity to say anything. "I see you are blasting your quads." "Nice form."

Sometimes when I am working out everything suddenly seems surreal. Like as if I were an alien coming down to earth and watching all these people sitting and moving in strange machines, rolling on giant inflatable orbs and moving their bodies in weird ways, grunting and sweating. If I didnt know what was going on it would seem so weird and random.

mojo

i think i got it back. I have been having a string of cool, effortless experiences with women. Its a combination of sacking up and not being a whiny little vaj about my situation, working out (endorphins, libido etc) and just remembering how awesome I can be. ;)

Nothing's changed in regards to the nature of this big scary dating landscape. Its still a numbers game. I got a gals number on the tram to ACL this weekend. PHD in biology. Tall. Beautiful. The speed at which she gave me the number will probably lead to a flake but we had a great conversation on the ride over there. I texted her today saying we should meet up this week and talk nucleic acids. Thats pretty funny. My texting is probably the most solid tool I have going for me right now.

The difference in old me and new me is that I actually want to make a real connection with someone and have it pan out to a great relationship. Its not about getting laid or just doing it for the sake of doing it anymore. But the initial interactions are exactly the same it would seem. Somewhere in the process is going to be the split in mindset and intent.

ACL was great. I only saw a few bands but they were all amazing. Elbow was just exactly as I hoped they would be. They were gracious, entertaining and incredible sounding.

Arcade Fire definitely deserves their stadium size crowds also. They put on a hell of a show.

Harvest Moon

Is one of the best songs ever written.

wrote a new song. Slow. Sad. But I dig it. I sometimes think about how its hard to be happy and write songs. The emotion is just so much harder to capture in a compelling way.

Now lonliness, loss, regret, thats the good stuff. At most Ill get a bittersweet vibe going and that has that spark of hope. Actually a couple songs on the album I wrote have a positive vibe so that's not entirely true. But sad songs are definitely easier to write.

And I've had a pretty rough couple of months to be honest. I am anxious a lot and frequently in low spirits. I believe its intensified with my work-from-home situation but drinks with friends and occasional songwriting is the shred of sanity that puts me back together again.

I need people whose company I enjoy. I need people who enjoy my company. My birthday is coming up and a few folks have expressed interest in going out that Friday. This makes me happy because birthdays are always a bit sad to me for some reason. I'd like them to be more festive but its usually just another day. And I probably wont even get laid this birthday :)

Jeeze I sound like Eeyore over here.

Onward...

We met as a band to discuss our percentages of the song ownership as far as publishing goes. It was amicable. Some songs I have little share while others I take most. The guys wanted to have it be a weighted percentage but I argued that we live in a world of singles and in all likelihood one or two songs will be picked up and possibly used in some way. So we need to decide who did what for each song in anticipation of that.

Yep its all business at this point. The inspiration is a hazy memory, I dont even remember how we wrote these songs it was so long ago. Im ready to hear the worlds opinion. I can predict the criticism pretty well, its the praise that I am highly curious of.

flights to panama look to be about 1000 after taxes. The good thing is once you get there everything is very cheap. We found an apt we could rent for about 200 for the entire week.

Snorkleing, rainforests its a lot like Costa Rica and I found that to be a beautiful country. My client tells me that Panama is better it just doesnt have the same PR. He lives in the penthouse of a downtown highrise. We might get to stay with him a night or so.

The group is very stoked. So far its myself and at least 2 guys. One girl friend of mine if she can swing it. Everyone is very excited and ready to take a vacation. We are planning on March which seems like a long time from now but 6 months is nothing these days.

Ive actually been in this apt for 5 already and that is pretty amazing to me.

Tonight is the Tea Party debate. It promises to rise above talking points and focus primarily on the economy. I hope Perry and Romney fall on their big faces.

Lets make sure no one ever reads this blog again.

Love... music... cats... meh. Lets get get crotchety.

I've been keeping up with politics more than ever.

And while I truly believe the highest form of knowledge is the understanding you know next to nothing about anything, I still have began forming opinions about the society I live in and the inner workings of it... and my feelings about the folks who attempt to run it. And now, the media outlets that are responsible for disseminating the information.

I don't trust the media anymore. Of course I always knew not to, but lately it feels that are just as biased and unethical as the politicians.

The recent debates stand out to me as perfect evidence of this. We are facing one of the most intense economic situations this country has ever faced. More now than ever we need REAL conversations about whats to be done.

Yet the debates were a thinly veiled attempt to pit Romney and Perry against each other. It was a disgrace and proof that the media has little concern about finding answers to our problems but rather treat the situation as if it were a WWF match.

It feels as if everyone up there is a shell of a person with fake tans and nice white teeth saying well rehearsed rhetoric they think the people want to hear. And behind the scenes were the moderators, cleverly asking all the wrong questions and shooting for drama rather than actual discourse.

And you-know-who got about 3 questions out of the entire 2 hour debate. What a joke. What a sad and eye opening joke. The one guy who has written BOOKS about the economy doesn't get a single question thrown his way.

I think the main problem is that the average person has little to no knowledge of how our economy works. Fractional reserve lending, the Fed and other topics are hazy topics for most people.

Example: the Fed is not a true govt entity. They are a private company. The same people who fucking RUN our economy have an interest in making profits for themselves. Bankers control our economy. Yet the populace sees Bernanke on the cover of Time and think he must be a great guy doing all that good money stuff for us busy Americans.

I have a friend who fancies himself a political guy and he was shocked when I informed him we are a fiat economy with nothing backing our currency. He argued with me at first but realized I was certain. Its not his fault but its a perfect example of whats going on. I lent him End the Fed and hes actually reading it so I am happy for that. (and I admit, I need to have a solid counterargument to the book because I am pretty biased)

You cant care enough about a topic you know little to nothing about. And sadly this is a huge chunk of Americans. They hear we are in trouble but don't exactly understand why. There is no historical context, no financial awareness and little desire to learn.

And if and when shit hits the fan we will be scrambling to ask ourselves why. Why is a loaf of bread suddenly $150. What happened? Why did every country just bail on the dollar? What happened to the middle class? Only then will we as a country start to try to sort things out in a real way.

Im not on a high horse because I only recently began trying to cure my ignorance. And I admittedly know little. But I know more than most. And I have to sit back and watch the media force feed us who the winning candidates are and NONE of the deemed frontrunners know a thing about it. And no one is going to school us in time to make a change.

For the first time it actually seems as if the govt is no more educated and prepared to handle our situation as the guy sitting next to me in this coffee shop. And the outlets that are supposed to make us aware of this travesty have their own agendas as well.

Yeah I need to get laid or something.

Random

Things are looking good for me financially. Stuff in the pipe that should turn out well. Several people are wanting to outsource work to me, one client wants me to start blogging for their company, I get calls sometimes from people who heard about me. This is cool. Its good because I have too many eggs in one basket at this time and I need to diversify. I did a pretty impressive thing for my client. Its boring to talk about but its something that I immediately pounced on and requested my bonus structure be reevaluated. Hopefully that will work out too.

This cat. Its cute. Its loving. But I watch it walk out of that litterbox and traipse around my small apartment and it freaks me out. I clean every day like the place was a zoo. I honestly go back and forth with keeping her.

I think this gal lost interest. She was a handful and Im probably better off.

I hope I can afford Panama.

I am going to Boston in November.

I think sanity has a lot to do with looking forward to something. I think most people are clinically insane to some degree or at least have periods where this is the case. Maybe Im just projecting. But it seems mental health is always in flux.

these debates

are talking points and rhetoric. Garbage.

re: Art of Loving

Near the end of it. The final chapters are killer. Fromme breaks down the various reasons for the collapse of love in modern Western society. The illusions that are considered love. The neurosis' of many people who believe the emotion to be love but rather the total opposite. The mental blocks formed in early childhood from bad relationships with Father and Mother that will create twisted versions of love. Man its heavy.

Scary how the book makes it seem most people will never experience real love. It takes a centered-ness that few people will ever know. I think everyone should check the book out.

Here is an okay breakdown for those that prefer a cliff notes version:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Art_of_Loving

But of course the dawn brings new vibes. I tell ya my mind and body are completely linked. I cant treat my body like crap and have my mind stay clear. They are Inseparable.

The same problems are facing me today as yesterday but its just different. Better.

the heat is gone today. Its a beautiful austin day.

This was a pretty unbearable summer as far as the heat and humidity was concerned. Awful. But once this town cools off its pretty magical. And it stays mild until the next grueling summer.

Don't know about this gal. We hung out once more. I dig her enough to see what happens. She seems to like me. But I feel like the tides could change at any moment if they haven't already.

Friend of mine wants to start a little business with me. I am leery of doing business with friends. Hes gung ho about it and wants to use some of the momentum that I have generated around town to generate more clients and start a little thing with it.

Of course I could do this myself. But having another person to spread out the duties and expenses would be nice. But I hear horror stories of friends working together.

I am not feeling anything today. Low energy. No motivation. Kinda blah.

Actually thats a lie. I feel pretty bad today. More than blah. Its a combination of things. A mini perfect storm turning my glasses the color of shit. I try to stay positive with this blog but today Im not feeling it.

You Cant Hurry Love

It was going so well.

We met at a patio for happy hour. Great conversation the entire time. She was smart. Laid back. Admitted similar quirks as me. She was adorable.

We were getting tipsy. Getting more and more comfortable saying stupid things. Potty jokes. It was going great. A client of mine had a birthday going that night at a place downtown. She said she'd join me if I wanted her to go. What could go wrong?

Heh.

We show up and the birthday boy (owner) swoops in with subtle flirtiness. Shes hot so i expect a certain level of this kind of thing. The problem was she took the bait and was too receptive for my tastes. Yes I know it was a first date and I should not have expectations but it seems to me that when you go as someones date you should stick by them, be polite and mingle. She went in guns blazing. The owners fiance pounces with the whole "Hi nice to meet you Im his wife" etc.

I was embarrassed and let down. Now Im faced with a delimma.

Old me would put her in the Not Long Term Material box and have some fun with her. But I want to start making decisions for the long term. Also Im not even sure the situation warrants me blowing her off entirely. By most people's accounts she was being a little overly social and nothing more. My problem is I read into everything. Should I give her another shot? I don't know. I cant let her cuteness blind me on this.

Not to mention the snake-like nature of the (engaged) owner doing what he did. I saw it. Few people would be able to recognize it but I know he knew exactly what he was doing. This speaks volumes for his character and its filed away in my brain as a little pink flag. You cant trust any guy when you have a beautiful woman beside you. Its a vigilance that is often not worth the reward. I should have declined her request to come and got to know her better. Damn it.

Im not even sure women are always consciously aware of what they are doing sometimes. This guy was the alpha of the group. The owner. The birthday boy. Smooth talker. Her biology pulls her to that. But my biology is also at play in my life and I know when to choose to run with it or hold back and be tactful. She wasn't humping his leg but she was near him as much as possible, asked me what his name was, etc. Tiny little things that have no weight as a single piece of evidence. Yet put together I think she was rude and insensitive to me.

Now do I get in her panties or continue the adult quest. Can I do both?

Positive Spin: I think I can hold my own in the dating world again. My approach with her was flawless. Our first date was great up until we changed venues. I was funny, relaxed and out of my head enough to be present in the moment. I can do this.

Oh and she left the party early to do something (possibly because she felt my interest in her shift?) so I started chatting up another gal in the group. It too was going great. I ask for the phone number at the end of the night and she said "okay but I have a boyfriend" and preceded to still put her number in. WTF?

So my date texted me this morning asking if I had fun. She definitely likes me. I really dont know what to do. Our connection on the patio was real. She speaks about the world very maturely and seems concerned about her own self awareness. I was super impressed. She said before we left that she was going to help me get work from the client so I wonder if she actually had genuine good intentions... That and she might have wanted to schmooze for her own career advancement. All of this might have just been misguided by being a little drunk. I dont know I dont know I dont know.

- hitting up happy hour today with a lady I met the other night.
Part of me is predicting a flake. Its often par for the course. We will see. She is very very cute. Very very.

- enjoying working out. some of my muscles feel like Ive been beaten with a 2x4. I probably overdid it a bit. I am getting more and more comfortable doing my thing there. I figured it would be a bunch of super buff guys but its mostly normal folk. Pretty ladies though.

- changing my diet to facilitate the workout routine. I ate something on 5 separate occasions yesterday. That's 3.5 times more then when I normally eat. Chicken breast, brown rice, green vegetables. Healthy meals that I actually take time to prepare.

- Meeting more potential clients. This is good.

- Enjoying the cat more. Still get weirded out with the thought of her using that litterbox and then walking around my apt. I clean a lot more because of her which cant be a bad thing. She found a very high spot in my apartment on top of my cabinets that she likes to hang out on. She sort of follows me around and hangs out near me with whatever I am doing. I mind less and less.

- I am really starting to get worried about a coming financial crisis. And for the most selfish of reasons. I picture a landscape where no one goes out, no one can afford to do anything and I am stuck in this apartment with no one to hang out with or talk to, scrambling to make money so I can afford to stay here.

Hell it might even be something where the power shuts off and the grocery stores cant hold a thing so that fear is probably tame compared to the actual possibilities.

Im hoping my sources of information are at least overblowing the possible catastrophe. I know countries have gone through hpyerinflation and gotten out. I should at least prepare for a few months of craziness while everything resets.

new song no one will ever hear

I had this song I was working on with my new software. I probably spent 3-4 hours on it tonight. I unplugged it from my power supply to plug it into my stereo across the room to hear it. I then took it back to my desk to work on it more.

My laptop battery dies very very quickly and unfortunately I forgot to plug the power supply back in. My computer died.

When I finally got everything back on again and went back to check on the file, I realized I only had the version of the song from hours ago. So ALL the work I just did tonight is gone. The happy accidents. The killer drum parts. The compression, reverb tweaking and testing. Hours just pissed away. The version I have now is a pale comparison to what I had created tonight. I dont even remember what instruments I used, what settings, what notes. It was all just inspiration and its gone.

:(

Even though we are the most evolved species on the planet, our infants are one of the most helpless. I always found that strange.

I visited my friends 4 day old baby yesterday. Wow. Your job as a parent basically boils down to keeping this baby alive. Thats it. Feed it, change it, figure out why its crying and fix it in some way.

Apparently they have a fussy baby. But my friend is going to be a great father I can tell. I know I will be there soon but after being around a newborn for any period of time I definitely don't feel rushed.

Other stuff:

Been working out. Had a decent work out last night. Im a bit sore. But I like going at night because the gym is practically empty. I can fumble around with the machines and look like a retard with reckless abandon.

Ive been reading that diet is actually the most important part of all this. Its all about how you facilitate your body's healing from the workout that makes all the difference.

They have these cool swimming pools with the lanes. I want to do that. They also have Yoga classes. I want to do that too.

Im going to live forever.

Panama!

3 people and I are planning on a trip to Panama next March.

The pictures I see online are gorgeous. I can't wait.

finished tracking the album

it only took 9 months.

mind AND body

I pay a lot of attention to my mental health. I read things that inspire me, I try to associate with positive people and have stimulating conversations and friendships. I overanalyze every thought to make sense of myself. I want to have a hold of it.

Now I want to put that level of focus on my body. I need exercise. I want to get ripped in a skinny guy kind of way. I want better flexibility and cardiovascular health. I already have started eating better. I need to get my body moving.

So I joined a gym. I could do it in my apt but

a I am here already most of the day
b. paying forces me to take it seriously
c. there are pools, machines, weights and all that now available to me

Like everything else I want to make this a discipline that I stick with. My music. My career. My friendships. My woman (eventually). My mind. My body/health. I want all of it to be exceptional. This is another step in that direction.

This f$%*^ing cat

declawed in the front. But for some reason finds ways to scratch up my new couch. This is a test of my tolerance. I like my couch. I like the cat.

Who will win?

Is it cruel to declaw them entirely? Probably. But if i get much more property damage from this little shit I don't know.

Speaking of Love...

My friend is in a Pickle.

We were out with a few friends the other night. She meets a guy. He seems cool to me. Nice enough. They go home together. Things go wrong.

Guy turns into a complete stalker. Raging lunatic, sending countless texts and calls per day begging to speak to her again kinda crazy. I read his texts. Stuff like... Dont make me do something bad to myself. Why baby? I love you. I am so lonely. If I ever see your ex he better watch out. Keep in mind this was basically a one night stand.

Icing on the cake... he sent a picture of his erect penis to her. She's getting a restraining order.

Serious shit.

The crazy thing is she had recently returned from New Orleans and brought back with her a candle she got from a voodoo shop. A love candle. She cast a spell to find love. Could this be a twisted answer to her request? I don't know but this guy is beyond smitten. Beyond sanity and she is freaking out. Be careful what you wish for. Its far from love but this nutcase seems to think its the biggest loss of his life. She said he calls up to 50-75 times per day. Out of control.

awful title, good book

I am reading a book by psychoanalyst Eric Fromme called The Art of Loving.

God the book title makes me want to gag. I picture some dreamy, idealistic self help guru with a ponytail saying the title to me softly. But the content is great.

The book was written in the 50s but it talks a lot about things I think about. Basically Fromme says that man's struggle is his awareness that he neither chose to be born nor can he escape death. This causes anxiety, loneliness and suffering.

This awareness of our "separateness" from our fellow man creates a feeling of isolation and is the basis of all things... art, sex, power, conformism, philanthropy, everything is man's desire to overcome being alone and attempt to become one with something else. (and yes the word "man" to describe all people is no longer PC, but the book is far from sexist which I found refreshing being written in the 50s)

He covers different concepts of love. Brotherly, Motherly, Erotic, Love of Self etc. He talks about the polarity of male and females, mothers and fathers and how that affects love. He trashes Freud's patriarchal theories on sex and masculinity. Basically he sets out explore the concept of love and explain how the act of love in its true, mature and giving form (in its many varieties) is the only answer to a meaningless universe and a way to rise above our own separateness from everything else.

I am early in the book but its only 100 pages or so but I dig it and recommend it to anyone with a similar interest.

New Client

Looks like my new client paid my invoice. Lets hope this is the start of a beautiful trend of me actually following through with things.

back

Taxing. An aging family member is a big energy expense. You worry. You watch them like a child. My aunt is doing a very selfless thing and putting her life on hold to take care of her mother. Major respect for that.

And its tough because she is getting more frail. This weekend was especially rough on her because a cat scratched her and she got sick because of it. Apparently cat scratch fever is not just an awful song. She was despondent and silent most of the time.

I did my best to remain upbeat but the time spent with her is less joy than it is stress. I don't mind of course but its just hard to watch someone so frail who is sick and depressed. Every move is slow and filled with potential danger. Getting into the wheelchair, going to the bathroom, getting down steps. Her back hurts a lot. Its just a heartbreaking and helpless feeling.

She got better near the end of my stay. I told my aunt to be more strict about forcing her to drink water. She hates it. The very thing that will help her, she is stubborn about. That sums up several people in my family. Stubborn about the stupidest things.

I also told my aunt to start alkalizing her body more. Green vegetables, wheat grass, not chocolate cake and lots of meat. She needs a delicate highly nutritious diet.

Anyway I wont blather about all the little conversations but I was exhausted today and slept a few hours before driving back home.

Today we went to church. This was not the regular church but my aunt was singing with someone for the service so we attended. The cool part... my aunt sounded fantastic. The service however was excruciating.

There is nothing worse than a dying congregation. A handful of mostly old folks. I was the youngest guy in the room. The preacher was an interim preacher until the new appointed preacher takes office (or whatever its called)

The sermon was rambling, pointless and just plain awful. More so than a typical sermon. I realized this was the first time I have been to church in years. The standing up and sitting down and repeating creeds with that droning, passionless church voice was a reminder why I don't enjoy organized religion.

We went to lunch with a few folks afterward and I had to bight my tongue when a lady said how great the sermon was. I sat in relative silence and just listened to them talk about things 60 something conservative Christians talk about. Very nice people though.

I did get to visit a couple friends in Plano last night. Never been to Plano but apparently the median income is something like 80K per year. So the bars were stocked with model-hot women waiting on dudes they could sink their claws into. Generalization? Probably. But more on the money than not, Im sure. But talk about a sharp departure from most of my weekend. Got a decent buzz and everyone was friendly and cool.

Met a couple new people. One guy was funny. But funny in a way that is more annoying to me now as I get older. He was probably 25 and had some very funny things to say but felt a bit like he was performing for us rather than connecting. Reminded me of myself in the bar scene at 25.

Plano is a strange scene. Very very different than Austin. They have weird apartment/condo communities where all below the living areas are just bar after bar after bar. We have the domain here in Austin which is similar but this was like a paper mache New York or the set of a film. The condos feel thrown together quickly, like there is nothing on the other side. Its "nice" but devoid of character and true class. Hard to explain but it stretched on and had a nightlife scene built directly into it.

Im glad I went to Dallas this weekend. I want to make it back to visit more. Its hard to witness someone I love aging but its also sobering and puts things into an important perspective. It makes me appreciate my life, the memories of our lives as a family and how awesome my aunt is.

Now Im back. Finishing the tracking on the album next weekend. Finishing Finishing. Then the media blitz planning stage.

Heading to Dallas

First time in months. This time its to see my grandmother.

Its going to be tough in some ways. There's going to be a gal on my mind front and center, distracting me. She shows up there a lot but this is going to be over the top. Nothing to do but let it go and tell myself I'm the last person she wants to hear from.

But Im glad to see my grandmother. I know her time left on this earth is winding down. But she will certainly have a more comfortable time with my aunt. They do things. They go to exercise classes. I will bring back a full report of her status.

2011 is very different than the previous years. I am seeing a vision of what I want for my life take focus. I want my grandmother to see these changes in me come to fruition before her time is due. I want her to hold my child someday like she held Jared's. The only shred of sanity I have in this world is greatly attributed to her and I know that moment would be incredible for both of us.

5 More Moments of Awesome

A few posts back I talked about 5 moments from my life that were awesome. Here are some more.

1. Getting fired from my awful sales job. At the time it sucked but I am sitting here now as a self employed man because of it. I've spoken at length about the soul sucking nature of the work, the co-workers, the fake-golfing-while-talking-to-you-at-your-desk boss. One of my first posts on this blog (Living in North Austin) was a completely different life for me and I am glad its over. I was miserable and didnt realize how much so until I moved on.

2. My uncle used to do this awesome gymnastics trick with me when I was a kid. I would lay down on the ground and he would grab my feet and flip me backwards. It was just enough of a force to send me into a mini back flip where I would then land on my feet. Hard to explain here but I would make him do it every time he came over. Since then I have found many ways to achieve that little thrill. Jumping over people's heads, chairs and other acrobatics. As I age I cant do what I used to but I still look for ways to recreate it.

3. The day I heard a song that I wrote on the radio. Big moment.

4. A girl named Julie from ages ago and her unmentionable, unusual talent. She is married with kids now and I am 100% certain I am the only guy who has experienced said talent or ever will.

5. Getting trapped in the Sagrada Familia cathedral in Barcelona. It had these confusing towers you climbed to get to the top. Long story short, we weren't really tapped, we just thought we were because one of the two doors was locked at the bottom. I remember a group of us frantically yelling into a security camera to help us get out when we were perfectly free to leave whenever we wanted. I'm sure the security guys were like.... what the hell is wrong with those people?

Woke up this mooooaaanin

Silly title aside, I hate waking up with regrets.

Still its a good feeling to know when you are certain you will never make the same mistakes again. There is really no difference in our character as we age... you still could slip back into the same stupid stuff you did before your newfound clarity. Its not a bank vault separating the two versions of you.

But there is a discipline to know the old you was wrong and your progress as a human being is dependent on you distancing yourself from the idiot you once were. The fact that its just a simple door you choose to walk away from is important.

And in other news... I hate cat excrement. I hate cleaning it. I hate thinking about cleaning it. I prepare for it like I'm going into a nuclear fallout zone. I'm like Howard Hughes over here.

my dad

i found my father online. Hes a realtor now. He shaved his head. Nice skull on the guy.

I don't exactly know when I will sack up and call him. Or what I hope to accomplish by doing so. His face brings up a strange feeling of familiarity, like I've known him for a very long time and there have been no gaps in communication. I feel like I know him but I don't.

I last spoke to him in 2003 I believe at my half-brothers funeral. It had been 10 years since I had seen him even then. I was a pall bearer for a side of my family I had only vague childhood memories of.

The day is a blur of surrealism. I remember his mother freaking out and throwing herself onto the casket outside before it was loaded into the hearse. I remember whispers about me... the estranged son. I remember what I wore. I remember my half-brothers face in the casket and how he looked a little like me.

I remember my other half-brother who I had not seen since he was just a tiny baby who was now a teenager. We went to dinner. I dont remember what we talked about. Dad offered me a joint. I declined. Very strange day.

A football coach taught me high school Biology

Through a combination of a failed public school system, attention deficit disorder and a desperate desire to be cool, I was a terrible high school student.

There are some HUGE gaps in my knowledge. Namely... economics, finance, government, and math (to a lesser extent).

Huge subjects that would probably deeply enrich my life. The only thing I can do now is stop blaming anyone and just get down to learning more. Obviously my recent interest in finance has lead to me to economics and then politics so I see how its all interrelated. (oh and were pretty fucked from what I can tell)

I am embarrassingly limited in my intelligence. I am pretty solid in literature, writing, art/pop culture, and my fascination with human nature leads me to some interesting conversations... but my eyes quickly glaze over when you stray from those categories and I am not proud of it.

for those who asked

here she is. At least I am 90% sure shes a she.

Not sure Im adapting to the whole litter box thing. I read you can teach them to use the toilet. Man that would be sweet.

No more coffee at night

i swear I was up until 4 tossing and turning with thoughts racing. Miserable night. Never drinking coffee after 3pm ever again.

Madeline

My ex girlfriend from ages ago has a dog. A really cute chihuaha named Madeline. Maddy.

Im usually not a fan but this dog was adorable and had a great personality. I was with her when she bought the dog. The dog was a part of our relationship. It was a rocky relationship with break ups and get back togethers. I would go months without seeing either of them and then we'd get back together and the dog would be in my life again. Maddy would always remember me and we would pick up where we left off. Very fond memories of that dog.

Today I got a text from the ex (first contact in months). Maddy has a brain tumor and is expected to live 6 months to 1 year. Obviously she is crushed. That dog must be 12 years old now. Without question a member of her family. I'm sad for her and Maddy. She said that she had always dreaded this day. She knew Maddy wouldn't live forever and would someday be forced to face the reality of it. Its got to be tough. I wish them love and peace through this.

Setting up Shop

Shouldn't have drank coffee after 8pm. I am totally awake.

Today felt productive. Im getting signed up to take credit card payments. Long forms to fill out. Signatures needed. Blah blah.

But soon I can have my clients pay me via credit card rather than anticipating the mail every day for a check. That sucks.

Met with a couple local guys here in Austin that are going to outsource their marketing to me.

I was also contacted by another potential client through one of my current clients so this month is turning out nicely.

I am noticing something about myself. Just having clients contacting me for potential work satisfies some sort of drive in me that I often end up never actually following through with. Sounds like I should be swimming in money but I'm not. I end up putting things off or really undercutting my services.

Thats the ADD in me. Getting 75% finished with something and then going ok whats next. Pretty dumb of me. But that's all about to change.

Roommate

My friend got me a cat. I didnt really ask for it, but I didn't really say I wasn't interested. I figured I'd start with a cat. Move on to a dog. Then maybe a kid someday.

Baby steps.

Apparently my friend got it from her friend who was out walking his dogs. He noticed a woman who lives in his apartment complex pull up in her covertible, open the door and throw the cat caddy thing into the parking lot with food and drive off. Poor little guy. What a bitch.

My friend heard me complaining about the work from home isolation thing and decided I should be the one to give this cat a home. So she brought it back with her from New Orleans and now I guess he's mine.

Right now he/she (not sure at this point actually) is basically just roaming around my place checking things out. Jumping on things. Crawling under them. Chasing light reflections from my phone. Cat stuff.

Declawed, Fixed all the good stuff. Guess Ill find out soon enough if I'm allergic to cats or if its totally crazy.

recording update

We knocked out a LOT of stuff this weekend. We added some group vocals, nifty female harmonies, and a banjo/mandolin combo on my acoustic song.

We are much closer to finishing the album now. I was exhausted by the end of the day. We should have the whole thing tracked by the end of the month if all goes according to plan.

Then mixing and mastering and planning a CD release. Of course by then I won't ever want to hear these songs again.

Gold

Its exploding with the credit rating downgrade. I remember when it was about 1300 a couple months ago and now its pushed past 1700. Now I can't afford gold even more!

From what I'm reading this is actually the beginning of some tough economic times to come. Within the coming weeks there will most likely be a QE3 infusion of cash into the economy by the Federal Reserve. This will buoy the economy for a moment but it wont last. The interesting thing is Bernanke will not call this QE3. Its going to go by a different name (most likely). But it will serve the same purpose. Print more money we don't even have.

Some of my sources are calling this the nail in the coffin for the US. Historically all economies have chosen to print more money rather than take their medicine and allow the markets to correct themselves. Pain is put off using tactics that will inevitably cause more pain. And historically every one of these economies collapsed. Why should we think we are immune to the lessons of history?

Do NOT invest in stocks right now. We're not even close to the floor.

Viva Ableton!

Within two days of owning this new recording software I recorded a full blown song (electronic drums, Midi etc) and Im pretty happy with it. More work to go but this could be the start of something new and exciting for me.

The program is called Ableton Live and I am in love with it. My options for creativity are limitless.

You can take your past and have it crush you or you can own it and move forward with new knowledge and clarity. Mistakes are valuable. Repeating them is the crime.

I've screwed up. I've been cold. I've hurt people. I've held back. I've used and manipulated. I've wanted others to feel my loneliness. I've taken selfishly. I've wallowed in my id with no regard for anyone but myself.

Its not fair. Its terrible. I've lost and suffered because of it. The loneliness was worse because of it. But on the other side is a calmer me, aware that person no longer exists. He's chosen a life full of real friends, real love and true happiness.

Getting there.

stuff

reading fight club. Its bleak.

recording Saturday.

Im getting a cat. Its a gift. If he's crazy Ill have to give him to someone else.

I miss a lot of people lately.

Everyone is having babies.

I am an official sole proprietorship now.

It was 103 degrees today. Predicted 108 degree highs this week.

I had the best veggie tacos from Cherrywood Coffeehouse today.

I bought Seinfeld season 3 for $7.

I pared down my keychain. It looked like a janitor's.

We are in the kickball playoffs this Thursday

Finally breaking down and getting health insurance

I meet with a couple guys tomorrow to talk about creating a local Mastermind group to help set financial goals and stick to them, networking etc.

I want to stop casually smoking and drinking so damn much.

getting recording gear soon

writing long letters Ill probably never send.

outta dodge

getting restless. Looking at plane flights to California and elsewhere. There is nothing holding me back from going somewhere for a week or so and working from there. Or is there?

Holy Moly

I started getting out of the house to work at coffee shops. The gas and food are worth the sanity it saves.

Anyway, Im sitting here and there is a gorgeous barista. Im guessing shes late 20s maybe early 30s. Wow.

What would life be like if I had absolutely 0 fear. I would get up, approach her and get her number. But that aint happening. Shes terrifying.

should i listen?

Some dreams feel important. Some dreams feel stupid and random.

Should we listen to the important ones? I always seem to have these really poignant dreams right before I wake up. They end and it cuts through my sleepiness and my eyes open with the meaning of it right there in front of me. At least my searching for the meaning.

Since this is a blog I often wonder how much I should share. Probably going to keep this vague but Im sure 50 year old me can figure this one out someday.

Last night/This morning was a doozie of an emotional rollercoaster. I want to know if I should act on it. I want to know if its true. I want to know if my emotions are deceiving me.

I feel things changing. Different from a year ago. Sure there is change every year but not like this. I am in a headspace I have never been in before. Its good. At least most people would say its good.

I feel the old philosophy battling the new one. But the old philosophy's argument seems to be standing on shakier and shakier ground. The old philosophy was rooted in fear. And lack of clarity and direction. And it has made a lot of my decisions for me in the past. Years of living and acting in fear. Associating with those that share the same sentiment so I can feel safe in it.

If I choose to live in the old philosophy I will go to my death never having experienced life. And that is terrifying. I see people I am very close to who have lives I do not want. And the old philosophy is a superhighway to that life.

This should be enough to move forward. But there are loose ends. And my dream last night was one of the loose ends. There is a good argument to forget it and push forward. There is a good argument to turn around and tie this thing up. Either way I want to live in the new philosophy from here on out. I want to see it take shape even more.

Funny is I feel totally transparent right now.

Met with a Lawyer

to discuss the copyright issues, master ownership, band partnership etc.

Lets hope we can all stay civil.

And now for something completely different

Here is a woman who can emulate any accent.

5 Moments of Awesome

This is my 501st post. Cool.

here are 5 moments from my life that felt awesome.

1. When I was about 12 I was in karate at the YMCA. At my first and only karate meet I kicked a board and broke it. We got three tries and I did it on my third. I was supposed to put my arms by my side and bow to the Sense. I couldn't put my arms down, they were held above my head in triumph as I bowed.

2. When I got on the bus one day and a girl quickly handed me a note, not making eye contact. On the note was something about me being cute written about a thousand times.

3. GI Joe had a base. It was a huge plastic playscape complete with a little prison to put captured Cobra members. I got it for Christmas and just about had an aneurysm.

See it here

4. Getting a date with Loreece. She was so hot I simply couldn't process it.

5. My little youth group went on a trip to the zoo. I was climbing Miller Outdoor Theatre and hit my face against a rusted beam. It caused an abrasion between my eyes, right above my nose. One of those abrasions that looks like its bleeding but theres still one layer of skin left so no blood actually goes anywhere. I was mortified and wanted to stay in the van all day. The whole group took lipstick and put it on their faces so we all looked the same and my fragile self image could be protected.

Its good to remember things. You should try this little experiment too. 5 Moments of Awesome. Go!

New Level of Band Drama

We are at the stage of assigning credit for the album. Bring out the Egos.

My Politics

I wont wax political anymore after this post. But this debt ceiling has gotten me all riled up. So I'm going to spout my politics one time to get it out of my system.

Here goes...

I am neither Republican nor Democrat. And I think it sucks we live in a country where we have to side with one to get anything done.

I believe the govt should be small and not be expected to supply us with every need we cry out for. We simply cant sustain that kind of spending without going bankrupt. Oh and that is what is happening right now. (Conservative View)

I don't believe in funding stupid wars, spreading democracy or forcing religion down anyone's throat. I think gay people should marry, women should have the right to choose and I should be able to smoke a joint when I want to. (Liberal View)

So basically I would get NOTHING done as a politician and no one would respect me. Good. I must have been raised properly. Or terribly.

So blow me Washington. You're all morons.

busted my ass

I busted my ass this month with work. I'm putting in 5-6 hours per day when I used to put in 3 or 4. I'm also getting a bonus check this month that's pretty sizable.

So...

I think I should reward myself and buy some recording software. I really need to put these new musical thoughts in a tangible form. I'm happy with them. They need to come out of my apartment and into the ears of someone else for a change.

And having an outlet like that would be great again. I spent the bulk of my early twenties locked away in my room upstairs recording songs. Shitty songs, good songs, instrumentals, weird poetry reading with sound effects. Just pure creativity and it was great. I want to get back there. Its been work work work lately. Adult shit like saving and investing and worrying about taxes etc. Fuck that. Lets make some music.

Tuning in

When the craziness was going on with the family I had some weird experiences.

One in particular was the night before my uncle and I rushed to Houston to get power of attorney over my grandmothers finances. We had set a date to get it done and planned on meeting in Houston later in the month.

But then I had a weird dream the next morning just as I was about to wake up. It was more of a visual image rather than a series of events. My arm had a big razor held to it and it was pulling slowly against the grain. I would try to pull it away but I couldnt move.

I woke up with the distinct thought that I needed to get the power of attorney taken care of ASAP. The correlation doesn't even really make logical sense but it was a crystal clear thought when I opened my eyes.

I planned to call my uncle around 8 that morning and tell him my thoughts. Instead he called me. "We need to get this taken care of immediately".

I told him I felt the exact same way and explained I was dreaming weird things and wanted to get it done. He said his wife too had had dreams that night that made her wake up and decide we need to do it sooner.

That was enough for me. We left that day and got it done. The experience was hassle free and the day flowed smoothly as I knew it would.

I remember waking up from the dream with an actual physical sensation in my head. Like a slightly charged, buzzing feeling. It was odd.

In that situation my intentions were pure. I wanted the safety of my grandmother. I feel the Universe (or whatever) often gives you what you want in those situations. I felt in alignment with something powerful and good.

I have been going back and forth these days with my opinions on the ethereal and whether or not there is anything beyond the senses I have been given. I wrestle with my understanding of science and psychology (not exactly "extensive") and my often strange experiences that make me feel connected to something beyond me.

I want to get closer to that source, whatever it may be. I want to believe there are things beyond my senses that actually have my best interest in mind. I want to believe I can be nudged in the right direction towards a beautiful life. And yet have it be something that I designed with my free will. Its beyond Christianity, Buddhism, New Age concepts. Those are all different reactions to the same hunch. That something is out there and its in your best interest to align with whatever it may be.

wow

I look to the side of this blog and see the archive is growing. I started this thing in December of 07? You have to be kidding me!

281-452-2848

From the old rotary phone we used to use, to the transfer to the rent house where my grandmother lived up until this month, this phone number was the most familiar 10 numbers of my life. At least 50 years old. Its etched into my brain. I've dialed it countless times. And its done now. I just called it and its just that annoying sound and a recorded message of that woman's voice that sounds like the 1950s.

The house. The phone number. The town. The only thing remaining is an old piano that my grandmother promised to give to me. But its huge. Must be 1000 pounds. Its sitting in an empty rent-house until we figure out what we are going to do with it. I'm considering giving it away to a church. Or possibly selling it. Its a beautiful piano. Not worth much but it was in my house my entire life. Original ivory keys.

If I do make that decision to get rid of it somehow I may have to come down 1 last time to that city to help get it loaded. But then I cant see a reason to ever come back. The only remaining friend I have there would easily meet me in the middle of Houston somewhere rather than have me drive another 30 minutes. So that pretty much seals the deal.

Part of me wants to keep it but I don't have room here in Austin. And it will cost me a lot to store it. I don't know what Im going to do.

But I wonder if that phone number will be transferred to anyone. I think it should be permanently retired but I don't get to make that decision. Seriously that number is ancient.

I wanna have friends....

Goodman is heading back to Tennessee.

Hes a lawyer. Austin is not the place to make that happen.

We talk about the meaninglessness of things. Trying to find a reason to make it feel important. Yet not lie to ourselves. He read me things he wrote that made me cry. His talent was beyond pleasantries.

Goodman is leaving Austin.

He was picky with the women here. Never quite sure what he wanted. But boy the ladies loved him. He was a Paul Rudd lookalike with a great sense of humor.

He sat across from Mary's terrible friends trying to be bitches and eviscerated them with a hilarious and complete lack of caring for how awful they were as people. That night he was my hero.

Goodman is gone and I hope to visit him someday. He was a friend. As I age its harder to meet them. Cheers to him and wishing him best in his endeavors.

say what you will about the outcome. When you remember her kissing you before work, sad to go, there is nothing that helps.

training a replacement

My overly frugal client wants to hand my services off to his office guy to save money. His employee will probably end up asking for more money with the added responsibility so my boss is essentially saying "here lets give your money to someone else"

The office guy is my friend unfortunately and Im happy he has the opportunity to make more money. But unfortunately its at my expense. 30% of my income.

And now my boss wants me to train him on how I do what I do.

Part of me is like FUCK THAT. But I don't want to burn bridges. And hes willing to pay me for my time.

Im going over my options. I might just ask for a solid amount of cash AND him using his clout to help me find new clients.

Shitty situation. Its just business but its messy.

Family Weekend (with cops)

So a few posts back I promised big changes were coming. They are here.

The woman we trusted to take care of my grandmother stole $12K from her over the course of a few months. I talked about this before but for some reason she was never kicked out fully. A family meeting was held awhile back with no action taken. Partially because there wasnt a decent investigation into the finances and we were not fully aware how much she actually took.

Since then a lot has gone down. I and my uncle have become my grandmothers power of attorney and we got to see her credit card records. My uncles wife put in countless hours breaking down the checking account.

Long story short, she presented the family one of the most detailed investigations into this woman and my grandmothers finances. She proved to everyone Saturday afternoon that yes, 12K was stolen from my grandmother from this woman and her family. examples: 72 pay per view movies rented in one month for a total of something like $300. Daily packs of cigarettes bought with my grandmothers gas card. Checks written to this woman for "groceries" for $200. 4 and 5 times per month. She was forging checks and my grandmother was clueless.

Everyone stared at the handouts with their jaws open. That day the family in a completely half organized way, swooped in to get grandma to "take her out to eat". Team B swooped in and told the caregiver her time was up. She had 10 minutes to get out. It was tense. Cops were called by both parties. It turned into a bit of a standoff at one point. The woman completely denies the situation. Everything was captured on video in case it got ugly.

We told my grandmother that the woman's health was too bad for her to continue taking care of her, to keep from traumatizing her. The sad thing was we realized recently she had been doing very little to take care of her. Neglect and out right fraud. Adult Protective Services is actually conducting their own full investigation. This may turn out to be a felony case. We wish shame and criminal charges on this woman for what she did.

The next day we packed up a Uhaul full of my grandmothers essentials and she is temporarily moving to Dallas with my aunt. Then we will decide where she goes from there and get the rest of her stuff.

We have checked into assisted living facilities. Considered renting her a house in Wimberly closer to my uncle. Lots of ideas. Decisions will be made in the coming month.

My poor grandmother has dealt with a very negative and neglectful woman for far too long. She was an awful person. The family failed in a lot of ways.

Lots of loose ends that the family has to come together on. We did well this weekend. It felt much longer than a day and a half. Im back in Austin just waking up from a crazy night of no sleep. As soon as I hit Austin again I went out and danced and drank and snuck into a swimming pool with a gal I just met. Had to shake off the heavy weekend of adulthood by being completely reckless. It was just what I needed.

Stay Focused!

Im in a trial period with a new client. Could pan out to boost my income significantly. Ill have to take a hit for a month or so while I pour my time into the new client who is paying me less. But results will surely solidify him as a decent source of income.

I need to stay focused and think long-term here.

creature of habit

Just realized Im like my grandfather in a lot of ways. He was a creature of habit who always ordered the same things from restaurants. I would make fun of him for this.

But I just realized I watch the same movies over and over again. The same bands. The same meals cooked at home. Sure I branch out a little but I am more a creature of habit than I realize. I even have a similar goofy sense of humor like my grandfather sometimes. Very weird.

I have to make sure I dont let things slip by me. I have to make an active effort to break out of my comfort zone.

But he was a good guy. I wish I had some pictures of him somewhere but they are with my grandmother. Very soft spoken. I think he could probably count the number of cocktails he consumed in his life. Never smoked a single cigarette. This is where we differ. I need to slow my drinking and smoking down.

I also sometimes find myself holding back affection like he did and that is bad. That's the stuff that will get ya. But as usual my own hyper self awareness will remind me to work on it.

Weird I was just thinking this on fathers day. He was very much a father figure in my life. Albeit a fairly distant one. Still he was kind and had the best intentions. I just think he was locked up emotionally for some reason. And he was too closed lipped to discuss his childhood so who knows what it was like. Mysterious. Analytical. Completely whipped by my grandmother. Soft spoken. Stable. Odd. Funny. A true character.