dating update...

My recent experiences involve

an emotionally unstable ex-stripper (not near as cool as it sounds)

a cutie at the pool (with a boyfriend)

stubble (ew)

amazing conversation with an angelina jolie protege (that lead to nothing at all)

date with a teacher older than me (not sure how I feel about her)

gonna keep truckin....

Sounds about right

A few years ago I liked this girl. She was a beautiful Hispanic girl who wrote incredible lines of introspective poetry. Though I felt a childishness in her persona, I knew somewhere in there was something real that I felt I would never get the chance to meet. That kind of tragedy is like a magnet for me. I wanted her for myself. But she chose the drug addicts and wild eyed in hopes of saving them.

One night, drunk, I emailed her a Bob Dylan song. I don’t know why I did it but I had just discovered it and wanted her to experience it like I had. It knocked me on my ass. So out of the blue I sent her an email telling her she really needs to give Bob Dylan a chance. I then copied the following song for her to read. This song is one of the best songs ever written in my opinion.

'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured
I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word
In a world of steel-eyed death, and men who are fighting to be warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved.
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I was burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail,
Poisoned in the bushes an' blown out on the trail,
Hunted like a crocodile, ravaged in the corn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Suddenly I turned around and she was standin' there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair.
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Now there's a wall between us, somethin' there's been lost
I took too much for granted, got my signals crossed.
Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, the deputy walks on hard nails and the preacher rides a mount
But nothing really matters much, it's doom alone that counts
And the one-eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I've heard newborn babies wailin' like a mournin' dove
And old men with broken teeth stranded without love.
Do I understand your question, man, is it hopeless and forlorn?
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

In a little hilltop village, they gambled for my clothes
I bargained for salvation an' they gave me a lethal dose.
I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Well, I'm livin' in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge, someday I'll make it mine.
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

I didn’t see her for a couple years and finally saw her at a show recently and got the chance to talk to her. We were talking about music and she started gushing about Bob Dylan. I made a joke and said he “fucking sucks.” She looked at me dumbfounded and aghast. I laughed and asked her if she remembered me sending her the song a long time ago.

She shook her head and then sort of pretended like she recalled it vaguely…

And that is my experiences with beautiful women in a nutshell.

Things are...

good......

=D

the bachelor party (rather tame)

So me and 7 other guys went to Corpus to celebrate our friend Todd's bachelor party. I had a lot of fun but it wasn't near as crazy as it could have been. Most of the guys were married or had serious girlfriends so myself and the only other single guy were a bit outnumbered. He was a divorcee with a 5 year old. And 3 years younger than me.

Something tells me this situation is going to be a more common occurrence as the years go by. It seems all the people I know are getting married or are damn close to it around the age of 28 or so. I am that one friend that everyone has...that one guy who just cant hold down a girlfriend. The guy people hope meets a nice girl soon. Sometimes envied, sometimes pitied; all depending on the state of each man's union with the aforementioned significant other. I'm okay with that. Every situation has its perks.

Still it was good to meet new people and have some laughs this weekend. Glad to be back in Austin though. And those boxes aren't going to unpack themselves.

I'm going crazy not having the internet at home. I think its the one thing I really couldn't do without. Tomorrow the glorious Time Warner dude will show up and connect me to the world again.

New Place

So my new place is big, clean and very cool. and no visits by apparitions so that's nice.

The kitchen has a lot of white in it, large windows and the ceilings are very high so it really feels opened up which is a new experience for me. The cabinets and appliances are all white so it really has a clean look to everything too. Very Macintosh.

Its also the first gated community I have ever lived in. I liked the old place but when you come outside and see a car on 4 blocks of concrete with every tire missing, it can sort of get you concerned. I know something as simple as a gate would have probably saved the guys tires. Lucky for me I have a car that thieves point at and laugh.

I spent all day yesterday running around like a madman. Movers, cleaning the old place, unpacking the new place. The damn movers took me for 320 bucks. I misunderstood their pricing policy. I still tipped the guys well, it wasn't their fault so I hope the karma of that was worth it all.

This post is boring. Try the one before this one. =)

The stranger in my apartment

Okay so I consider myself to be a pretty practical guy. Paranormal subjects are something I take with a grain of salt and anything beyond my immediate reality is heavily questioned and scrutinized. I don't claim to have any answers or definitive beliefs as to what lies beyond the senses I was born with. I know there is probably a world beyond them but I cant claim to know anything about them or talk about them as if I did.

That being said I had the weirdest experience last night.

I am in the middle of packing for my move so my apartment is in a complete state of disrepair. I took apart my bed last night so it would be easier to load when the moving guys show up. Since I didn't have a bed I decided to sleep on the couch.

In the middle of my sleep last night I had a sudden strange feeling. Like an all-body physical sensation with a strong feeling of some other presence in the room. Kinda like a deep shudder but no movement. Tingling all throughout my body. (I hope that gives a good idea of the feeling)

This sent me from my deep sleep into a half-sleep, half awake state. I remember thinking how odd the feeling was and though I was a bit scared to, I slowly forced my eyes open. And it was hard because I was very tired. This is where it gets weird.

I don't know how to explain this but when my eyes finally opened, several feet from me I caught what made out to be a man slowly walking past my couch. I was too scared to move for a second. Without pause or hesitation in his stride he walked up to the wall, melted into it and was gone.

Now like I said I don't know about paranormal things. I also understand that the brain is pretty amazing and dreams can often seem like reality. And of course I was in a half-conscious state but it was probably one of the more surreal experiences of my life. Because I am almost certain that I did wake up enough to actually open my eyes. It was dark in my apartment but I could see enough of him to make out that it was a man. He wasn't like a ghostly vapor or anything. This looked like the back of a man, a few feet away from me walking by my couch. It only seemed otherworldly when he stepped through the wall.

So is it possible to dream things with your eyes open?

I couldn't move. I wanted to make some sort of "holy shit" kind of vocalization but couldn't. Another weird thing about it all was I was actually rather calm about it. Typically I can be pretty jumpy at night but I was almost paralyzed from this experience. He didn't feel like a threat of any kind so I don't even know if fear is the accurate word to use. His walk was very slow and if he had noticed me at all, it was before I actually opened my eyes. He just walked up to my wall and went right through it.

After a few seconds of processing what I saw I remember thinking that if this was real and if he was some sort of spirit or whatever that he probably means me no harm. I then closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

If it was a dream it was hands down the most surreal dream I have ever had. And I did it with my eyes open. And if it was some paranormal experience then I don't know what to say.

First what the hell are they doing wandering around? The last thing I want to do is wander around after I die. Was there a purpose for his visit? He didn't say anything or turn back and look at me after I opened my eyes. The feeling that woke me up was pretty crazy though. The actual thought of it now is more scary than the experience. I was definitely in an almost trance like state from having just woken up but the fact is something happened that stirred me and I saw something when I opened my eyes. Who knows.

I know my grandmother has nursed several people to a peaceful death and she tells me stories of these people all having similar experiences right around the moments of their passing, saying they see people who aren't there etc. Its always been fascinating to me but something I decided not to spend too much time speculating about. Either way I don't feel like I am in any danger.

The really funny thing is I have another night in that apartment on that couch. I think Ill turn the kitchen light on or something.

feast or famine part II

Before I make my way into Austin's robust night life I feel like continuing the last post. Hell this could become a complete series, its that interesting to me.

First, the recordings are coming along VERY NICELY. I am loving a big portion of what we are doing.

anyway.

I don't really dress up much when I go out. There's something about wearing an oversized collared shirt and black shoes etc etc that makes me feel homogeneous and boring. Being a skinny guy I feel that I look best when I actually wear clothes that accentuate my frame rather than conceal it.

Which gets me thinking about attraction. I cant lie and say that my build doesn't affect my self esteem at times. I guess I could start working out but it would take a whole lot of it to get me beyond the point of being overly thin. I did it for awhile and I got very cut but still remained super thin. It really didn't make a difference in my dating life at all.

So the bottom line is attraction really isn't about that. I feel like I have dated some exceptionally beautiful women who really dug me physically. I have also seen that face of "ew he is sooo skinny". Once again its a numbers game and it all comes down to personal choice.

Of course the cool thing about women that I have found is a lot of their attraction is based on factors independent of looks. I have started with very neutral women and by a combination of teasing and complete lack of concern for her opinions have "created" attraction where there was none before.

And here comes that whole metaphysical thing again. It surrounds us and its real and can be applied here as well...

You can shape your reality by your thoughts alone. If you think you are the shit, strangely enough so will other people. I didn't say be a dick. Confidence and arrogance are separate things.

I knew some very normal looking women that thought they were the shit so lo and behold I suddenly began questioning myself. "Look at her. She thinks she is the shit. Well....Maybe she is the shit...hmm."

So tonight I am going to go out and celebrate my friend Jay's birthday. Its a beautiful evening, I am just getting my life started and I have so much the be thankful for. Good job, good band, good friends, good family, good fucking life.

So bring on the wispy, lithe and nubile 20 somethings in summer evening dresses.

feast or famine

the dating world is such a strange and frustrating beast.

I find that I am either swimming in options or crawling alone in the Sahara chasing mirages.

Theres something almost metaphysical about it too. Like everything else I experience, I notice a sort of hidden world behind things and sometimes the stars align and I am mr. mojo. I go out and notice women responding to me differently. New girls return my calls and meet up with me. Sex comes along and I'm not even trying.

Then you have moments where its nothing but unreturned phone calls and not a glance for weeks. Promising leads crumble for no reason at all. A circle of negative self esteem begins again.

The truth is women should have absolutely 0 effect on my feelings of worth but thousands of years of genetics are against me. We are all here because our forefathers and mothers were the ones who did not get weeded out of existence due to natural selection. The strong survived, got it on and here you stand.

I've read that rejection affects the same areas of the brain as physical pain. It makes sense. Thousands of years ago, rejection from your tribe meant your genes stopped with you. So the male develops a hypersensitivity to not be rejected. It hurts when it happens. Literally.

Of course tribes are long gone and the pool has grown considerably but I don't think our brains have moved beyond the stone age. This is a topic I could wax on about for days.

In terms of modern dating I see it like this. Lets take 2 relatively attractive young people, one man and one woman. (And of course I am speaking in generalizations)

1. The woman's job is sifting through her available options that she is barraged with.
2. The man's job is lead generation.

Hot women wait. Being alone is something that just doesn't happen to them often. Men, assuming they are not famous, crazy rich or brad pitt good looking have to play a numbers game. Its definitely how I have to approach things. I get phone numbers like nobodies business.

If I have 10 numbers in my phone 6 will not respond. 2 will text but never meet up. 2 will probably meet me, I might get a kiss out of them but the second date usually comes down to that 1 woman left. So the secret for success in the heterosexual dating realm if you are a man is simply put your ego and genetics aside and work the numbers.

A dirty little beast indeed.

shallow?

I hate caring this much about this stupid raise.

I'm doing my best to balance my life between being an adult and still maintaining youthful creativity. Its a huge challenge for me. I am growing less and less inspired and it takes more and more to get me in that headspace. Sometimes being drunk helps, sometimes being high helps, sometimes being heartbroken helps but there is no one way to bring about that moment and its for damn sure coming on its own terms.

I cannot possibly describe the feeling but I know it when it hits. Some song, some film, something hits me just so, and i get that tightness in my throat like I can barely keep the emotion under control. The floodgates open up and for a small period I have all these new ways to describe what I am feeling. As I write and try to get it figured out I experience the emotions fully, without numbness or cynicism. Regardless of the emotion its welcomed because its real, and coming from a place in me without fear or self ridicule (even as I write this my inner critic is calling me a sissy).

Its me being as human and emotionally defenseless as I will ever be. And I can see why we create walls to protect ourselves. I could not walk through my day with that level of sensitivity Exposed emotional nerves are bad for productivity.

I have to stop whatever I am doing and just devote myself entirely to the process because its such a rare moment for me and I cant really control its return. Out of the whole thing I might have a verse or maybe just a line that is worth keeping. Sometimes its the bulk of a song.

Then I sort of return to normal and if I'm lucky the strength of the material will outlive the inspiration and be worth saving. This is also rare.

After that its a matter of tweaking for structure, creating logical syllable breaks, sentence rhythms etc. Don't get me started on melody. It becomes a project if you plan on showing anyone and you have to shape it into some sort of accessible communication.

The whole thing is not easy, the emotions sometimes are actually difficult to sift through and its often not suitable for any listener other than myself. Every now and then you have something that you think is worth sharing with people. And then you have to let go of any concern for what people think of it. You hope that for a second or two that person listening gets a moment where it clicks with them emotionally, but you cant really get too caught up with that. Because few will be able to go there with you. Even if you're brilliant, which I am not.

I say all this partly to remind myself about it. Its getting harder to have these moments. And little bullshit like raises, speeding tickets, overdrafts and the like all are poison for the process. And the fact is I have to focus more and more on these things to feel like my life is under control so I get worried that simply growing up is counterproductive to making powerful art.

This has to be a fallacy. Otherwise there would be no artists over 30 making good art. But we're talking about me here and thats the way its starting to feel.

I'm thinking I am also in a bit of a musical rut and keep playing the same damn thing so maybe its a combination of more musical training and taking time to read good books, watch good films and just pay attention to my emotions more.

Heh. Like everything else I guess it just takes work.

more recording tonight

this past weekend went well. Daniel laid down some great guitar tracks and the songs are sounding good so I feel a lot better about them. We go back again tonight for more of the same.

Then I'm supposed to head downtown and play Bill Davis' birthday party. He is the guy who gave us our first showcase at Trophies back in January (I find it awesome that I can actually go back in this blog and read about it). He now hosts the Tuesday night songwriters night at Headhunters and he asked me to play a few songs around midnight. It should be fun because the guy knows a lot of people and things usually get rowdy when he is around. Of course my music is the furthest thing from rowdy (and im rusty as hell) but Ill do it anyway.

No word on the raise. The big cheese said he needs to mull it over and honestly didn't think too much about it over the weekend. He still seemed positive that we can work something out so I am curious about the outcome but confident we can reach an agreement.

I move in 1 week. It sort of crept up on me so now I need to start getting things together. That extra bump in income sure would be appreciated right about now.....

more waiting

well the meeting went well. Casual, friendly and I feel I did a good job. I presented my numbers (which generated a "wow") and got only positive feedback. I'm sure it will be a matter of compromise as to how much I am worth, but I feel very good about it and it couldn't have gone better or easier.

Now I wait for the decision over the weekend. fingers crossed. Lets hope frugality loses to my winning personality.

=P