We are currently remixing a lot of it. Some of the tracks are getting that HUGE sound that we were debating we wanted. We are going for it.
I am pretty excited about a few of the tracks in particular. 2012 will be interesting indeed.
Friday, December 23, 2011
2011
Pretty interesting year.
I moved into my own place after having lived with a friend for about a year and a half. I went through a death in the family, a breakup, a full year of self employment, started working out consistently, got a pet, wrote a book, started up a mastermind group, finished tracking an album, developed a deeper interest in politics and economics and successfully paid off my taxes for 2010 (in December haha).
Sounds like a busy year but it really didn't feel that way. I have spent too much time in this apartment and that distorts everything from my emotions to my feelings of accomplishment.
I want more for 2012. Better relationships, better income, more traveling, more music, less isolation, more/better sex.
I also want to be present in the moment and learn to feel more peace with my situation and where I am while at the same time striving to better myself. I want to continue to dissect the lies my negative inner voice convinces me of. Less knee-jerk emotion founded on cloudy hypotheses. I want more truth.
I want to continue the good trends. I am seeing real gains with working out so I want to up that. I want to branch into yoga and more full body exercise. I want to really hit the marketing of my book and create new products. I want to have our CD release and see how the world accepts our album. I want to possibly start a new project with new musicians.
I want to read more. Get out more. See more good films. Continue to develop a healthy social life with intelligent people who offer my life something other than a drinking buddy. This is a challenge at 33.
In fact here are some of my biggest challenges;
1. Procrastination
I am a professional. I have to treat this like a petulant child and reign him in. Procrastination is not only a total waste of my valuable time, it also affects my self-esteem. If I think of something that needs to be done, I need to act immediately. In business this is called speed of implementation and a big factor in a successful entrepreneur's mindset. I see this is true across all aspects of life.
2. Loneliness
One of my more prominent emotions. I want to get to the heart of this because most of this emotion is founded on total bullshit and self deprecation. But it affects my whole life. My drive, my current relationships, my actions. There is a message in it and I have not gotten to the truth of it yet. Getting out of the house will help with this somewhat and being more proactive about handling it rather than letting it own me. Like any emotion I am in total control and have no one to blame but myself for not making it serve me to my benefit.
3. Foresight
Part of this has to do with procrastination but I want to start preparing for things better. Making decisions with long-term goals in mind. My twenties were devoid of foresight. Which may explain why I have little to show for them.
Theres a lot more but I suddenly want to do something else. Soooooo
4. Following through with things
I moved into my own place after having lived with a friend for about a year and a half. I went through a death in the family, a breakup, a full year of self employment, started working out consistently, got a pet, wrote a book, started up a mastermind group, finished tracking an album, developed a deeper interest in politics and economics and successfully paid off my taxes for 2010 (in December haha).
Sounds like a busy year but it really didn't feel that way. I have spent too much time in this apartment and that distorts everything from my emotions to my feelings of accomplishment.
I want more for 2012. Better relationships, better income, more traveling, more music, less isolation, more/better sex.
I also want to be present in the moment and learn to feel more peace with my situation and where I am while at the same time striving to better myself. I want to continue to dissect the lies my negative inner voice convinces me of. Less knee-jerk emotion founded on cloudy hypotheses. I want more truth.
I want to continue the good trends. I am seeing real gains with working out so I want to up that. I want to branch into yoga and more full body exercise. I want to really hit the marketing of my book and create new products. I want to have our CD release and see how the world accepts our album. I want to possibly start a new project with new musicians.
I want to read more. Get out more. See more good films. Continue to develop a healthy social life with intelligent people who offer my life something other than a drinking buddy. This is a challenge at 33.
In fact here are some of my biggest challenges;
1. Procrastination
I am a professional. I have to treat this like a petulant child and reign him in. Procrastination is not only a total waste of my valuable time, it also affects my self-esteem. If I think of something that needs to be done, I need to act immediately. In business this is called speed of implementation and a big factor in a successful entrepreneur's mindset. I see this is true across all aspects of life.
2. Loneliness
One of my more prominent emotions. I want to get to the heart of this because most of this emotion is founded on total bullshit and self deprecation. But it affects my whole life. My drive, my current relationships, my actions. There is a message in it and I have not gotten to the truth of it yet. Getting out of the house will help with this somewhat and being more proactive about handling it rather than letting it own me. Like any emotion I am in total control and have no one to blame but myself for not making it serve me to my benefit.
3. Foresight
Part of this has to do with procrastination but I want to start preparing for things better. Making decisions with long-term goals in mind. My twenties were devoid of foresight. Which may explain why I have little to show for them.
Theres a lot more but I suddenly want to do something else. Soooooo
4. Following through with things
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Went on a date with a woman last night who literally would not look me in the eye the entire time. It was comedy. I showed up nervous but she eclipsed me by leaps and bounds. Fidgety, shifty and seriously maybe a total of 5 quick moments of eye contact in over 2 hours of conversation. I felt better about my sometimes difficulty with eye contact. At one point I playfully grabbed her body and made her face me. No luck. She just looked off to the side as she talked.
In other news:
For the first time in my life I have crossed the 160 lb threshold. I have weighed 150-155 since I was 17ish and I stayed in that threshold the entire time. I now weigh about 163. This whole dedication to exercise thing is having actual effect.
In other news:
For the first time in my life I have crossed the 160 lb threshold. I have weighed 150-155 since I was 17ish and I stayed in that threshold the entire time. I now weigh about 163. This whole dedication to exercise thing is having actual effect.
The Memo is Out
I've been following Ron Paul for a year now. He went from ignored to mocked and now the media elites are going on the offensive. He is tied for First place in Iowa. Every single article has little asides that jab at him... "Ron Paul doing well, though no one expects him to win..." etc etc.
The only journalist who is recognizing and honestly commenting on what is happening isn't a journalist at all. Jon Stewart, whose influence extends well beyond comedy, is helping my man Ron out.
I wish I could hand everyone his book End the Fed. I wish I could express how no other candidate on either side has a fucking clue about how to take this country back from the brink of collapse. Honestly Ron probably wont stop runaway inflation. But a total collapse of the Middle Class as we know it (Surpassing the devastation of the Great Depression due to a worldwide reliance on the dollar) is no longer a crazy theory but an actual reality. And the only person who sees this and has a real plan to combat it is him.
And it seems a lot of people in the media have a personal agenda to make sure he does not win and will do everything they can to stop it. It makes sense because many, many institutions are threatened by a Paul presidency. At the last debate Paul said something to the effect of Americans think we're pulling out of Iraq but no one considers all the contractors over there making money. This is one example of his brutal honesty that will inevitably piss off a LOT of people. His life will surely be in danger if he becomes the nominee. He would gut Obama in a debate. He would win. And would need constant security around him all the time.
There is a debate tonight I want to watch but I have a date so Ill have to catch the replay.
But I am excited for him. And im worried he wont win and what that will mean for us... more useless wars, more federal reserve shananigans and a $300 hamburger.
The only journalist who is recognizing and honestly commenting on what is happening isn't a journalist at all. Jon Stewart, whose influence extends well beyond comedy, is helping my man Ron out.
I wish I could hand everyone his book End the Fed. I wish I could express how no other candidate on either side has a fucking clue about how to take this country back from the brink of collapse. Honestly Ron probably wont stop runaway inflation. But a total collapse of the Middle Class as we know it (Surpassing the devastation of the Great Depression due to a worldwide reliance on the dollar) is no longer a crazy theory but an actual reality. And the only person who sees this and has a real plan to combat it is him.
And it seems a lot of people in the media have a personal agenda to make sure he does not win and will do everything they can to stop it. It makes sense because many, many institutions are threatened by a Paul presidency. At the last debate Paul said something to the effect of Americans think we're pulling out of Iraq but no one considers all the contractors over there making money. This is one example of his brutal honesty that will inevitably piss off a LOT of people. His life will surely be in danger if he becomes the nominee. He would gut Obama in a debate. He would win. And would need constant security around him all the time.
There is a debate tonight I want to watch but I have a date so Ill have to catch the replay.
But I am excited for him. And im worried he wont win and what that will mean for us... more useless wars, more federal reserve shananigans and a $300 hamburger.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Getting colder out which I enjoy. Work situation is good. Talking with a potential 4th client tomorrow but we'll see if it pans out.
Social life looking good. Finances, check. Health, check.
It just keeps going. I'm right in the middle of it and happy to be alive.
Today I was reading about a concept called the Hedonic Treadmill which basically explains how a person's happiness is like a thermostat and usually falls within a certain range over the course of a lifetime. Little fluctuations here and there but overall there is a sweet spot of general well being that is supposedly controlled by your genetics, outside experiences and beliefs.
It explains why getting rich tends to not increase people's overall happiness for very long, why you bounce back from difficult times regardless of how hard it was and other things. As in any research there are challenges to the theory but I find it interesting.
My feelings on my Grandmas passing are diverse and complex. The bulk of emotion comes from the realization that for the last 10 years she bottled up my Grandfather's death and this killed her spirit. I honestly can't remember the last time I heard her laugh. It was literally something like 7-10 years ago. This is not living. It broke my heart every time I would visit her. I would try to get her to talk to me about anything and it was a painful experience. Her smiles were brief and usually seemed equally sad at the same time.
I realize that many people are terrified of their emotions and will do extreme things to not have to experience them fully. I say fuck that. Experience them fully. Soak in them awhile. Get it out. Lean on someone if you can. Get a little better. Fall back a bit. Get better again. Finally dust yourself off fully, take something valuable from it and keep going with an open heart and mind as to whats next. I have been just as guilty as others but I see the folly in holding things in.
So my feelings about all this are mostly relief mixed with nostalgia, appreciation and anxiety of the speed and intensity that comes with this kind of massive change.
But I'm moving forward with the lessons learned and a better idea of what I want from my time here.
I will say that I am surprised certain people have not reached out to hear how I am or express condolences (not that I feel they are needed). And I'm speaking of multiple people. It might just be this topic is so damn uncomfortable that they dont know what to say. But it hurts just a little bit to realize your life is an afterthought to most people but yourself and a few close close friends.
But we knew this.
Social life looking good. Finances, check. Health, check.
It just keeps going. I'm right in the middle of it and happy to be alive.
Today I was reading about a concept called the Hedonic Treadmill which basically explains how a person's happiness is like a thermostat and usually falls within a certain range over the course of a lifetime. Little fluctuations here and there but overall there is a sweet spot of general well being that is supposedly controlled by your genetics, outside experiences and beliefs.
It explains why getting rich tends to not increase people's overall happiness for very long, why you bounce back from difficult times regardless of how hard it was and other things. As in any research there are challenges to the theory but I find it interesting.
My feelings on my Grandmas passing are diverse and complex. The bulk of emotion comes from the realization that for the last 10 years she bottled up my Grandfather's death and this killed her spirit. I honestly can't remember the last time I heard her laugh. It was literally something like 7-10 years ago. This is not living. It broke my heart every time I would visit her. I would try to get her to talk to me about anything and it was a painful experience. Her smiles were brief and usually seemed equally sad at the same time.
I realize that many people are terrified of their emotions and will do extreme things to not have to experience them fully. I say fuck that. Experience them fully. Soak in them awhile. Get it out. Lean on someone if you can. Get a little better. Fall back a bit. Get better again. Finally dust yourself off fully, take something valuable from it and keep going with an open heart and mind as to whats next. I have been just as guilty as others but I see the folly in holding things in.
So my feelings about all this are mostly relief mixed with nostalgia, appreciation and anxiety of the speed and intensity that comes with this kind of massive change.
But I'm moving forward with the lessons learned and a better idea of what I want from my time here.
I will say that I am surprised certain people have not reached out to hear how I am or express condolences (not that I feel they are needed). And I'm speaking of multiple people. It might just be this topic is so damn uncomfortable that they dont know what to say. But it hurts just a little bit to realize your life is an afterthought to most people but yourself and a few close close friends.
But we knew this.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The funeral is over. We had it back in Channelview at the old church. Saw people I have not seen in years. She did not look the same. They put more makeup on her than she has ever worn her entire life. That and there is always something missing with the bodies of the people you knew when their soul is no longer inside. Its subtle but they look weird.
Several of us got up to speak. A few non-family members got up to speak. I was the only person who actually wrote something down. I am not good thinking on my feet. I read the following while shaking pretty badly from both nerves and emotion:
Ive read that unconditional love is important to a person’s growth as a functioning and happy adult. Knowing someone loves you all the way, unconditionally and how that will never change. A child needs this.
I always knew that my grandmother loved me unconditionally. She told me I was smart. She told me I was handsome. She spanked me on the butt when I needed it. She cried at my terrible 16 year old poetry. She always took my side when people were against me. She was so in tune with my emotions at times I felt like she could read my mind.
As I grew older I began to search out my own answers to life. Of course I separated from some of her beliefs. I realized every mentor and adult I grew up with was human and trying to figure things out too.
Yet I never forgot what she did for me. She helped me to become an adult by offering herself 100% to me as a child. She was the textbook definition of what all good parents are. My structure, my disciplinarian, my safe harbor and my biggest fan.
And it wasn’t just me that she gave so much to. I watched her nurse numerous people to a peaceful passing in that same room in the old house on Lakeside Drive. I never quite understood why anyone would want to take on those burdens… but few people are as selfless as she was.
So I owe a lot of my development to her. I know many people here have been touched deeply by her too. I look forward to hearing new stories and insights from the people here today. So if you have something to say please say it.
Her passing should be a reminder to us all. Life is short. Very very short. (avging 28,000 days give or take). I had a philosophy professor say that he believes he became an adult when he lost his brother. He said he started making decisions with the understanding that his time is limited. That stuck with me.
And I believe the real meaning lies in the relationships with the people around you. Your family. Your friends. Your neighbors. We’re all in this together and trying to figure it out too. Because of my grandmother I think I have a more clear picture of what life is about. Its loving something more than you love yourself. Its giving your energy and time selflessly to the people you care about. Its savoring those moments with the understanding that they are limited.
So while I am sad she is gone, I know that she is free from the earthly body that she was bound to. She has taken that next step into a place that none of us can say we understand with certainty. But I believe that someone who has loved and given of themselves to so many like she did has absolutely nothing to fear. Thanks Grandma, we love you and we’ll see you soon.
Several of us got up to speak. A few non-family members got up to speak. I was the only person who actually wrote something down. I am not good thinking on my feet. I read the following while shaking pretty badly from both nerves and emotion:
Ive read that unconditional love is important to a person’s growth as a functioning and happy adult. Knowing someone loves you all the way, unconditionally and how that will never change. A child needs this.
I always knew that my grandmother loved me unconditionally. She told me I was smart. She told me I was handsome. She spanked me on the butt when I needed it. She cried at my terrible 16 year old poetry. She always took my side when people were against me. She was so in tune with my emotions at times I felt like she could read my mind.
As I grew older I began to search out my own answers to life. Of course I separated from some of her beliefs. I realized every mentor and adult I grew up with was human and trying to figure things out too.
Yet I never forgot what she did for me. She helped me to become an adult by offering herself 100% to me as a child. She was the textbook definition of what all good parents are. My structure, my disciplinarian, my safe harbor and my biggest fan.
And it wasn’t just me that she gave so much to. I watched her nurse numerous people to a peaceful passing in that same room in the old house on Lakeside Drive. I never quite understood why anyone would want to take on those burdens… but few people are as selfless as she was.
So I owe a lot of my development to her. I know many people here have been touched deeply by her too. I look forward to hearing new stories and insights from the people here today. So if you have something to say please say it.
Her passing should be a reminder to us all. Life is short. Very very short. (avging 28,000 days give or take). I had a philosophy professor say that he believes he became an adult when he lost his brother. He said he started making decisions with the understanding that his time is limited. That stuck with me.
And I believe the real meaning lies in the relationships with the people around you. Your family. Your friends. Your neighbors. We’re all in this together and trying to figure it out too. Because of my grandmother I think I have a more clear picture of what life is about. Its loving something more than you love yourself. Its giving your energy and time selflessly to the people you care about. Its savoring those moments with the understanding that they are limited.
So while I am sad she is gone, I know that she is free from the earthly body that she was bound to. She has taken that next step into a place that none of us can say we understand with certainty. But I believe that someone who has loved and given of themselves to so many like she did has absolutely nothing to fear. Thanks Grandma, we love you and we’ll see you soon.
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