Getting colder out which I enjoy. Work situation is good. Talking with a potential 4th client tomorrow but we'll see if it pans out.

Social life looking good. Finances, check. Health, check.

It just keeps going. I'm right in the middle of it and happy to be alive.

Today I was reading about a concept called the Hedonic Treadmill which basically explains how a person's happiness is like a thermostat and usually falls within a certain range over the course of a lifetime. Little fluctuations here and there but overall there is a sweet spot of general well being that is supposedly controlled by your genetics, outside experiences and beliefs.

It explains why getting rich tends to not increase people's overall happiness for very long, why you bounce back from difficult times regardless of how hard it was and other things. As in any research there are challenges to the theory but I find it interesting.

My feelings on my Grandmas passing are diverse and complex. The bulk of emotion comes from the realization that for the last 10 years she bottled up my Grandfather's death and this killed her spirit. I honestly can't remember the last time I heard her laugh. It was literally something like 7-10 years ago. This is not living. It broke my heart every time I would visit her. I would try to get her to talk to me about anything and it was a painful experience. Her smiles were brief and usually seemed equally sad at the same time.

I realize that many people are terrified of their emotions and will do extreme things to not have to experience them fully. I say fuck that. Experience them fully. Soak in them awhile. Get it out. Lean on someone if you can. Get a little better. Fall back a bit. Get better again. Finally dust yourself off fully, take something valuable from it and keep going with an open heart and mind as to whats next. I have been just as guilty as others but I see the folly in holding things in.

So my feelings about all this are mostly relief mixed with nostalgia, appreciation and anxiety of the speed and intensity that comes with this kind of massive change.

But I'm moving forward with the lessons learned and a better idea of what I want from my time here.

I will say that I am surprised certain people have not reached out to hear how I am or express condolences (not that I feel they are needed). And I'm speaking of multiple people. It might just be this topic is so damn uncomfortable that they dont know what to say. But it hurts just a little bit to realize your life is an afterthought to most people but yourself and a few close close friends.

But we knew this.