new song no one will ever hear

I had this song I was working on with my new software. I probably spent 3-4 hours on it tonight. I unplugged it from my power supply to plug it into my stereo across the room to hear it. I then took it back to my desk to work on it more.

My laptop battery dies very very quickly and unfortunately I forgot to plug the power supply back in. My computer died.

When I finally got everything back on again and went back to check on the file, I realized I only had the version of the song from hours ago. So ALL the work I just did tonight is gone. The happy accidents. The killer drum parts. The compression, reverb tweaking and testing. Hours just pissed away. The version I have now is a pale comparison to what I had created tonight. I dont even remember what instruments I used, what settings, what notes. It was all just inspiration and its gone.

:(

Even though we are the most evolved species on the planet, our infants are one of the most helpless. I always found that strange.

I visited my friends 4 day old baby yesterday. Wow. Your job as a parent basically boils down to keeping this baby alive. Thats it. Feed it, change it, figure out why its crying and fix it in some way.

Apparently they have a fussy baby. But my friend is going to be a great father I can tell. I know I will be there soon but after being around a newborn for any period of time I definitely don't feel rushed.

Other stuff:

Been working out. Had a decent work out last night. Im a bit sore. But I like going at night because the gym is practically empty. I can fumble around with the machines and look like a retard with reckless abandon.

Ive been reading that diet is actually the most important part of all this. Its all about how you facilitate your body's healing from the workout that makes all the difference.

They have these cool swimming pools with the lanes. I want to do that. They also have Yoga classes. I want to do that too.

Im going to live forever.

Panama!

3 people and I are planning on a trip to Panama next March.

The pictures I see online are gorgeous. I can't wait.

finished tracking the album

it only took 9 months.

mind AND body

I pay a lot of attention to my mental health. I read things that inspire me, I try to associate with positive people and have stimulating conversations and friendships. I overanalyze every thought to make sense of myself. I want to have a hold of it.

Now I want to put that level of focus on my body. I need exercise. I want to get ripped in a skinny guy kind of way. I want better flexibility and cardiovascular health. I already have started eating better. I need to get my body moving.

So I joined a gym. I could do it in my apt but

a I am here already most of the day
b. paying forces me to take it seriously
c. there are pools, machines, weights and all that now available to me

Like everything else I want to make this a discipline that I stick with. My music. My career. My friendships. My woman (eventually). My mind. My body/health. I want all of it to be exceptional. This is another step in that direction.

This f$%*^ing cat

declawed in the front. But for some reason finds ways to scratch up my new couch. This is a test of my tolerance. I like my couch. I like the cat.

Who will win?

Is it cruel to declaw them entirely? Probably. But if i get much more property damage from this little shit I don't know.

Speaking of Love...

My friend is in a Pickle.

We were out with a few friends the other night. She meets a guy. He seems cool to me. Nice enough. They go home together. Things go wrong.

Guy turns into a complete stalker. Raging lunatic, sending countless texts and calls per day begging to speak to her again kinda crazy. I read his texts. Stuff like... Dont make me do something bad to myself. Why baby? I love you. I am so lonely. If I ever see your ex he better watch out. Keep in mind this was basically a one night stand.

Icing on the cake... he sent a picture of his erect penis to her. She's getting a restraining order.

Serious shit.

The crazy thing is she had recently returned from New Orleans and brought back with her a candle she got from a voodoo shop. A love candle. She cast a spell to find love. Could this be a twisted answer to her request? I don't know but this guy is beyond smitten. Beyond sanity and she is freaking out. Be careful what you wish for. Its far from love but this nutcase seems to think its the biggest loss of his life. She said he calls up to 50-75 times per day. Out of control.

awful title, good book

I am reading a book by psychoanalyst Eric Fromme called The Art of Loving.

God the book title makes me want to gag. I picture some dreamy, idealistic self help guru with a ponytail saying the title to me softly. But the content is great.

The book was written in the 50s but it talks a lot about things I think about. Basically Fromme says that man's struggle is his awareness that he neither chose to be born nor can he escape death. This causes anxiety, loneliness and suffering.

This awareness of our "separateness" from our fellow man creates a feeling of isolation and is the basis of all things... art, sex, power, conformism, philanthropy, everything is man's desire to overcome being alone and attempt to become one with something else. (and yes the word "man" to describe all people is no longer PC, but the book is far from sexist which I found refreshing being written in the 50s)

He covers different concepts of love. Brotherly, Motherly, Erotic, Love of Self etc. He talks about the polarity of male and females, mothers and fathers and how that affects love. He trashes Freud's patriarchal theories on sex and masculinity. Basically he sets out explore the concept of love and explain how the act of love in its true, mature and giving form (in its many varieties) is the only answer to a meaningless universe and a way to rise above our own separateness from everything else.

I am early in the book but its only 100 pages or so but I dig it and recommend it to anyone with a similar interest.

New Client

Looks like my new client paid my invoice. Lets hope this is the start of a beautiful trend of me actually following through with things.

back

Taxing. An aging family member is a big energy expense. You worry. You watch them like a child. My aunt is doing a very selfless thing and putting her life on hold to take care of her mother. Major respect for that.

And its tough because she is getting more frail. This weekend was especially rough on her because a cat scratched her and she got sick because of it. Apparently cat scratch fever is not just an awful song. She was despondent and silent most of the time.

I did my best to remain upbeat but the time spent with her is less joy than it is stress. I don't mind of course but its just hard to watch someone so frail who is sick and depressed. Every move is slow and filled with potential danger. Getting into the wheelchair, going to the bathroom, getting down steps. Her back hurts a lot. Its just a heartbreaking and helpless feeling.

She got better near the end of my stay. I told my aunt to be more strict about forcing her to drink water. She hates it. The very thing that will help her, she is stubborn about. That sums up several people in my family. Stubborn about the stupidest things.

I also told my aunt to start alkalizing her body more. Green vegetables, wheat grass, not chocolate cake and lots of meat. She needs a delicate highly nutritious diet.

Anyway I wont blather about all the little conversations but I was exhausted today and slept a few hours before driving back home.

Today we went to church. This was not the regular church but my aunt was singing with someone for the service so we attended. The cool part... my aunt sounded fantastic. The service however was excruciating.

There is nothing worse than a dying congregation. A handful of mostly old folks. I was the youngest guy in the room. The preacher was an interim preacher until the new appointed preacher takes office (or whatever its called)

The sermon was rambling, pointless and just plain awful. More so than a typical sermon. I realized this was the first time I have been to church in years. The standing up and sitting down and repeating creeds with that droning, passionless church voice was a reminder why I don't enjoy organized religion.

We went to lunch with a few folks afterward and I had to bight my tongue when a lady said how great the sermon was. I sat in relative silence and just listened to them talk about things 60 something conservative Christians talk about. Very nice people though.

I did get to visit a couple friends in Plano last night. Never been to Plano but apparently the median income is something like 80K per year. So the bars were stocked with model-hot women waiting on dudes they could sink their claws into. Generalization? Probably. But more on the money than not, Im sure. But talk about a sharp departure from most of my weekend. Got a decent buzz and everyone was friendly and cool.

Met a couple new people. One guy was funny. But funny in a way that is more annoying to me now as I get older. He was probably 25 and had some very funny things to say but felt a bit like he was performing for us rather than connecting. Reminded me of myself in the bar scene at 25.

Plano is a strange scene. Very very different than Austin. They have weird apartment/condo communities where all below the living areas are just bar after bar after bar. We have the domain here in Austin which is similar but this was like a paper mache New York or the set of a film. The condos feel thrown together quickly, like there is nothing on the other side. Its "nice" but devoid of character and true class. Hard to explain but it stretched on and had a nightlife scene built directly into it.

Im glad I went to Dallas this weekend. I want to make it back to visit more. Its hard to witness someone I love aging but its also sobering and puts things into an important perspective. It makes me appreciate my life, the memories of our lives as a family and how awesome my aunt is.

Now Im back. Finishing the tracking on the album next weekend. Finishing Finishing. Then the media blitz planning stage.

Heading to Dallas

First time in months. This time its to see my grandmother.

Its going to be tough in some ways. There's going to be a gal on my mind front and center, distracting me. She shows up there a lot but this is going to be over the top. Nothing to do but let it go and tell myself I'm the last person she wants to hear from.

But Im glad to see my grandmother. I know her time left on this earth is winding down. But she will certainly have a more comfortable time with my aunt. They do things. They go to exercise classes. I will bring back a full report of her status.

2011 is very different than the previous years. I am seeing a vision of what I want for my life take focus. I want my grandmother to see these changes in me come to fruition before her time is due. I want her to hold my child someday like she held Jared's. The only shred of sanity I have in this world is greatly attributed to her and I know that moment would be incredible for both of us.

5 More Moments of Awesome

A few posts back I talked about 5 moments from my life that were awesome. Here are some more.

1. Getting fired from my awful sales job. At the time it sucked but I am sitting here now as a self employed man because of it. I've spoken at length about the soul sucking nature of the work, the co-workers, the fake-golfing-while-talking-to-you-at-your-desk boss. One of my first posts on this blog (Living in North Austin) was a completely different life for me and I am glad its over. I was miserable and didnt realize how much so until I moved on.

2. My uncle used to do this awesome gymnastics trick with me when I was a kid. I would lay down on the ground and he would grab my feet and flip me backwards. It was just enough of a force to send me into a mini back flip where I would then land on my feet. Hard to explain here but I would make him do it every time he came over. Since then I have found many ways to achieve that little thrill. Jumping over people's heads, chairs and other acrobatics. As I age I cant do what I used to but I still look for ways to recreate it.

3. The day I heard a song that I wrote on the radio. Big moment.

4. A girl named Julie from ages ago and her unmentionable, unusual talent. She is married with kids now and I am 100% certain I am the only guy who has experienced said talent or ever will.

5. Getting trapped in the Sagrada Familia cathedral in Barcelona. It had these confusing towers you climbed to get to the top. Long story short, we weren't really tapped, we just thought we were because one of the two doors was locked at the bottom. I remember a group of us frantically yelling into a security camera to help us get out when we were perfectly free to leave whenever we wanted. I'm sure the security guys were like.... what the hell is wrong with those people?

Woke up this mooooaaanin

Silly title aside, I hate waking up with regrets.

Still its a good feeling to know when you are certain you will never make the same mistakes again. There is really no difference in our character as we age... you still could slip back into the same stupid stuff you did before your newfound clarity. Its not a bank vault separating the two versions of you.

But there is a discipline to know the old you was wrong and your progress as a human being is dependent on you distancing yourself from the idiot you once were. The fact that its just a simple door you choose to walk away from is important.

And in other news... I hate cat excrement. I hate cleaning it. I hate thinking about cleaning it. I prepare for it like I'm going into a nuclear fallout zone. I'm like Howard Hughes over here.

my dad

i found my father online. Hes a realtor now. He shaved his head. Nice skull on the guy.

I don't exactly know when I will sack up and call him. Or what I hope to accomplish by doing so. His face brings up a strange feeling of familiarity, like I've known him for a very long time and there have been no gaps in communication. I feel like I know him but I don't.

I last spoke to him in 2003 I believe at my half-brothers funeral. It had been 10 years since I had seen him even then. I was a pall bearer for a side of my family I had only vague childhood memories of.

The day is a blur of surrealism. I remember his mother freaking out and throwing herself onto the casket outside before it was loaded into the hearse. I remember whispers about me... the estranged son. I remember what I wore. I remember my half-brothers face in the casket and how he looked a little like me.

I remember my other half-brother who I had not seen since he was just a tiny baby who was now a teenager. We went to dinner. I dont remember what we talked about. Dad offered me a joint. I declined. Very strange day.

A football coach taught me high school Biology

Through a combination of a failed public school system, attention deficit disorder and a desperate desire to be cool, I was a terrible high school student.

There are some HUGE gaps in my knowledge. Namely... economics, finance, government, and math (to a lesser extent).

Huge subjects that would probably deeply enrich my life. The only thing I can do now is stop blaming anyone and just get down to learning more. Obviously my recent interest in finance has lead to me to economics and then politics so I see how its all interrelated. (oh and were pretty fucked from what I can tell)

I am embarrassingly limited in my intelligence. I am pretty solid in literature, writing, art/pop culture, and my fascination with human nature leads me to some interesting conversations... but my eyes quickly glaze over when you stray from those categories and I am not proud of it.

for those who asked

here she is. At least I am 90% sure shes a she.

Not sure Im adapting to the whole litter box thing. I read you can teach them to use the toilet. Man that would be sweet.

No more coffee at night

i swear I was up until 4 tossing and turning with thoughts racing. Miserable night. Never drinking coffee after 3pm ever again.

Madeline

My ex girlfriend from ages ago has a dog. A really cute chihuaha named Madeline. Maddy.

Im usually not a fan but this dog was adorable and had a great personality. I was with her when she bought the dog. The dog was a part of our relationship. It was a rocky relationship with break ups and get back togethers. I would go months without seeing either of them and then we'd get back together and the dog would be in my life again. Maddy would always remember me and we would pick up where we left off. Very fond memories of that dog.

Today I got a text from the ex (first contact in months). Maddy has a brain tumor and is expected to live 6 months to 1 year. Obviously she is crushed. That dog must be 12 years old now. Without question a member of her family. I'm sad for her and Maddy. She said that she had always dreaded this day. She knew Maddy wouldn't live forever and would someday be forced to face the reality of it. Its got to be tough. I wish them love and peace through this.

Setting up Shop

Shouldn't have drank coffee after 8pm. I am totally awake.

Today felt productive. Im getting signed up to take credit card payments. Long forms to fill out. Signatures needed. Blah blah.

But soon I can have my clients pay me via credit card rather than anticipating the mail every day for a check. That sucks.

Met with a couple local guys here in Austin that are going to outsource their marketing to me.

I was also contacted by another potential client through one of my current clients so this month is turning out nicely.

I am noticing something about myself. Just having clients contacting me for potential work satisfies some sort of drive in me that I often end up never actually following through with. Sounds like I should be swimming in money but I'm not. I end up putting things off or really undercutting my services.

Thats the ADD in me. Getting 75% finished with something and then going ok whats next. Pretty dumb of me. But that's all about to change.

Roommate

My friend got me a cat. I didnt really ask for it, but I didn't really say I wasn't interested. I figured I'd start with a cat. Move on to a dog. Then maybe a kid someday.

Baby steps.

Apparently my friend got it from her friend who was out walking his dogs. He noticed a woman who lives in his apartment complex pull up in her covertible, open the door and throw the cat caddy thing into the parking lot with food and drive off. Poor little guy. What a bitch.

My friend heard me complaining about the work from home isolation thing and decided I should be the one to give this cat a home. So she brought it back with her from New Orleans and now I guess he's mine.

Right now he/she (not sure at this point actually) is basically just roaming around my place checking things out. Jumping on things. Crawling under them. Chasing light reflections from my phone. Cat stuff.

Declawed, Fixed all the good stuff. Guess Ill find out soon enough if I'm allergic to cats or if its totally crazy.

recording update

We knocked out a LOT of stuff this weekend. We added some group vocals, nifty female harmonies, and a banjo/mandolin combo on my acoustic song.

We are much closer to finishing the album now. I was exhausted by the end of the day. We should have the whole thing tracked by the end of the month if all goes according to plan.

Then mixing and mastering and planning a CD release. Of course by then I won't ever want to hear these songs again.

Gold

Its exploding with the credit rating downgrade. I remember when it was about 1300 a couple months ago and now its pushed past 1700. Now I can't afford gold even more!

From what I'm reading this is actually the beginning of some tough economic times to come. Within the coming weeks there will most likely be a QE3 infusion of cash into the economy by the Federal Reserve. This will buoy the economy for a moment but it wont last. The interesting thing is Bernanke will not call this QE3. Its going to go by a different name (most likely). But it will serve the same purpose. Print more money we don't even have.

Some of my sources are calling this the nail in the coffin for the US. Historically all economies have chosen to print more money rather than take their medicine and allow the markets to correct themselves. Pain is put off using tactics that will inevitably cause more pain. And historically every one of these economies collapsed. Why should we think we are immune to the lessons of history?

Do NOT invest in stocks right now. We're not even close to the floor.

Viva Ableton!

Within two days of owning this new recording software I recorded a full blown song (electronic drums, Midi etc) and Im pretty happy with it. More work to go but this could be the start of something new and exciting for me.

The program is called Ableton Live and I am in love with it. My options for creativity are limitless.

You can take your past and have it crush you or you can own it and move forward with new knowledge and clarity. Mistakes are valuable. Repeating them is the crime.

I've screwed up. I've been cold. I've hurt people. I've held back. I've used and manipulated. I've wanted others to feel my loneliness. I've taken selfishly. I've wallowed in my id with no regard for anyone but myself.

Its not fair. Its terrible. I've lost and suffered because of it. The loneliness was worse because of it. But on the other side is a calmer me, aware that person no longer exists. He's chosen a life full of real friends, real love and true happiness.

Getting there.

stuff

reading fight club. Its bleak.

recording Saturday.

Im getting a cat. Its a gift. If he's crazy Ill have to give him to someone else.

I miss a lot of people lately.

Everyone is having babies.

I am an official sole proprietorship now.

It was 103 degrees today. Predicted 108 degree highs this week.

I had the best veggie tacos from Cherrywood Coffeehouse today.

I bought Seinfeld season 3 for $7.

I pared down my keychain. It looked like a janitor's.

We are in the kickball playoffs this Thursday

Finally breaking down and getting health insurance

I meet with a couple guys tomorrow to talk about creating a local Mastermind group to help set financial goals and stick to them, networking etc.

I want to stop casually smoking and drinking so damn much.

getting recording gear soon

writing long letters Ill probably never send.