my dad

i found my father online. Hes a realtor now. He shaved his head. Nice skull on the guy.

I don't exactly know when I will sack up and call him. Or what I hope to accomplish by doing so. His face brings up a strange feeling of familiarity, like I've known him for a very long time and there have been no gaps in communication. I feel like I know him but I don't.

I last spoke to him in 2003 I believe at my half-brothers funeral. It had been 10 years since I had seen him even then. I was a pall bearer for a side of my family I had only vague childhood memories of.

The day is a blur of surrealism. I remember his mother freaking out and throwing herself onto the casket outside before it was loaded into the hearse. I remember whispers about me... the estranged son. I remember what I wore. I remember my half-brothers face in the casket and how he looked a little like me.

I remember my other half-brother who I had not seen since he was just a tiny baby who was now a teenager. We went to dinner. I dont remember what we talked about. Dad offered me a joint. I declined. Very strange day.