Im finishing up some work in an empty apartment because my new place doesn't have internet yet.

I left myself a stool so Im sitting at the little island table that I mostly kept stuff on for the last 3 years. Movers came today and 99% of my belongings are now in boxes at my new place. I own very little so it was an effortless move.

All thats left here are a few random items and a very dirty carpet. Big changes. I got my very own place. I own the damn thing (or is that the lender?). I believe this is adulthood. Looks like Ill have to change the blog to something else. No more growing left to do. All done. 100% actualized American. Whew!

I needed this. Three years in this tiny apt was a bit too much for me. I realized that a lot of my time was spent needlessly suffering isolation when I should have just gotten out of the house or called someone. No one to blame but myself on that. My buddy's kid is now 3. I remember him freaking out that his wife was pregnant.

3 years isnt a long time but it is. Funny how time does that... existing as both simultaneously.

I had a few women come through. Most didnt stay long. One just stayed awhile. I miss 3 moments with her and the sex. The rest I can do without.

I realized that a lot of my time spent here was staring at a computer screen working. Nothing to be ashamed of but I need more balance. Too much work makes me a boring person.

The new place is in a great area. Its also much nicer than my old place. The movers were like... "You must be pretty excited" when they saw the new place. I guess I am. Yes I think I am.

And still I am hesitant to hit Publish on this blog post. It may just cause everything to disintegrate around me. I know. I know. Trust me I know. Working on that.

Happiness is

looking forward to something.

Don't think its anything more complicated than that.

I had a dream you were following me home from somewhere. We were both in our cars and it was late.

You didn't know where we were going so you tailed me closely. I could see your outline in the windshield blurred by the rain. You weren't smiling.

You had your hands at 10 and 2.... carefully turning when I would. Blinkers in perfect unison. I let cars pass me when necessary. Sometimes they would get between us and stick around too long but I never let you go. I made everything very deliberate. With every lane change you were on my mind.

The drive was long so my thoughts began to drift. I thought about how I felt weird when you actually trusted me. How I felt like every other man was a more certain version of myself and you were drawn to them because of it.

But not tonight. Tonight I knew exactly what to do. Exactly where to go. And you did not. You needed me. I guess that made you uncomfortable. This could all be in my head.

Lost in this for awhile I looked up and you weren't there anymore.  I slowed down and waited. But you never showed. Minutes turned to more. You were gone. So I kept going.

I lived my life. I aged. I adopted new theories of what happened. I married someone else. But when things were quiet or heavy I would think about that night I lost you and wonder.

No word. No call. Just a faceless silhouette in my rearview with somewhere else to be.