Today is the 1 year mark of the passing of my grandmother.

The year didnt seem to fly as fast as I thought it would. It feels like its been about a year. I haven't forgotten about all she did for me and my family. As I grow older and meet more and more people who are suffering in their adulthood because they didnt have the proper guidance when they were young, I am even more aware of the importance of having someone who loves you all the way and shudder to think of the mess I would be without that early guidance.

I dream of flying so often its almost become a commonplace addition to my dreams. A couple times a month I dream that I have the ability to focus and lift from the ground and go where I want. Its sometimes in a slightly uncontrolled sweeping sort of way but I get to where I want to go.

One of my favorite things to do is fly at night. I shoot above the trees and usually fly over some body of water. The moon and the clouds are out and its really beautiful. I fly so high that the world is tiny below me.

Awhile back I always flew in secret. I feared people learning that I had this ability. Now its pretty much out in the open and in some dreams I am basically showing off to people.

Last night I was doing my thing in the yard of the house I grew up in. Just kinda staying low and passing over a few of my family members. My uncle asked me what is was like so for the first time I actually took someone with me. You would think I would grab a beautiful woman but my first passenger was my uncle which is weird now that I think about it. Basically he got on my back and I flew up to the highest part of the trees.

The part that I think is interesting is the physics of it. For instance, this time the additional weight was harder to deal with. I had to focus more and really make it work to get up above the trees. Each dream I have to deal with some sort of problem with making things run smoothly.

Usually in these dreams I am convinced that this is reality and I truly have the ability to fly. I am always rationalizing it and questioning whether I am dreaming or not. Everything seems so real that I always end up believing that I am awake and this is real. Sometimes things happen where people are telling me that its in my head. I then realize its true and the dream becomes a dream within a dream thing which is pretty wild.

Its very unusual that I have this progressive, recurring dream. I enjoy every one of them.

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Last night I went on a date. She's a 4th grade bilingual teacher. She was tall and thin with blonde hair. I liked her energy but I am not as attracted to her as I would like to be. She did wear a nice red and white dress with some revealing sections that I enjoyed. She also said she found me very attractive which is always nice. We made out a bit. She kisses well. I ended up drinking wine without asking the price of each glass. Bad idea.

Sometimes I lie awake and think about my life. The night is particularly tough sometimes. Self reflection can take some wrong turns when you have hours before you can get up and get distracted. I think about where I am and the decisions that have lead me here.

I think about how I'm not sure I have ever been in love and wonder what that means for me. I think about how I am probably missing out on a lot of life by focusing on the things I choose to focus on. I think about the people I know and admire and I stupidly compare my life to them. I beat myself up.

As much as I would like to be, I am not an optimist for most things. I have a darker sense of the world that my initial thoughts latch on to. Its only after my lifetime of mental training kicks in do I actively dissect the idea as being incorrect or clouded and take steps to see it differently. I don't want to be this way but I am.

Nights like this I feel like everyone has it figured out but me. I know this is wrong but its powerful and it seems real. I worry that who I truly am separates me from the world and I will never have peace. I worry the woman I adore will have nothing to do with me.

The morning will bring sanity to these things. It wont make them go away but at least I'll have a better grip on them.

I'm Back Baby

I went and bought a mic stand and a mic cable yesterday. That was pretty much all that was standing in the way of me recording some ideas I have that are non-electronic based.

I got completely sucked into it and put down a rough version of a song that I have been listening to a few times since yesterday and Im very happy with it. Some shaky vocal parts but the bass, acoustic, electric and most drum parts are nearly fleshed out, including vocal harmonies.  Its pretty folky but I still like it.

It came quickly as have the few times I have made something I am proud of. I'm particularly proud of the bass line because I don't really fancy myself a bassist but its a creative and tasteful part.

Basically I can show this to musicians and we can be up and running quickly (when I get around to opening that can of worms again).

I spent the last 5 years being uber democratic with the creative process in a band. Often to the point of disarray. So this idea of having something I wrote 100% played by musicians sounds appealing to me. I'll take the fascist comments. Those people have no clue what happens in a band without focus. It can get ugly.

Get in the Choppah!

I've started to get back to working out again regularly. I never regret doing it. Its tough to get motivated but Im always thankful I went.

I can comfortably bench 3 sets of 155. This is fun to me because I weighed that from the age of 17 until about a year ago. I think Im closer to 165 now so Im sure Ill hit that soon.

One of these days Id like to get a personal trainer and really hit it hard. I sort of don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Friday night I went out with the woman with a kid again. We had a lot of fun. She seems to be into me. I failed to fully describe my desire to not get serious with a woman with a kid. I think she has an idea based on our conversations and interactions but I have not been crystal clear. Its not at the point where this is entirely terrible but I can't let it continue. I actually feel a little guilty about this so I know that means I need to do something about it. Dating is a constant level of incremental changes that require your attention. It starts from the moment you say hi until you get in a relationship and grow old with a person.

Saturday I went to Fun Fun Fun Fest. Saw Head and the Heart, Girl Talk and a couple other bands. It was great. Less crowded than ACL and the sound was actually better. I ran into a couple that I know through the band and we hung out with them the rest of the night. They are great people and I was happy to run into them.

I will be heading to San Francisco in January for a work thing. This is great. I loved San Francisco. Can't wait.