A big part of my life has gone completely undocumented on this blog.

Right around June 1st of this year I met a woman. We broke up this week. So yes I have spent a lot of 2013 with her, trying to make something work that I had strong reservations about from the get-go.

While good times were had, the bulk of the relationship was me feeling mostly stressed and uneasy. I fought the good fight and did my best but there came a point where I realized our differences were too much.

As usual there is a lot more Id like to document but realize this is a public forum of sorts. But this experience was impactful enough to remember forever so let's just leave it at that.

It was right under my nose.

I get comfortable in my own mediocrity. I sit on my ass and work and forget what I am capable of. Music. Words. Friends. Fun. I forget.

I am "succeeding" yet my life feels a bit soggy. The crispness of experience is dulled. I am my own worst enemy but I am slowly but surely figuring myself out.

Theres too much in my head to be eloquent. But Im going to let "doing" explain it all for me.

Its going to take resolve. Confidence. Breaking free from comfort and the easy route of mediocrity. So help me I will make life vibrant despite my genetic predisposition for simply existing.

Breaking Bad is over. There will be a void in my Sundays. But what a ride. The final episode topped 10 million viewers. The show was violent and brutal enough for those who like explosions and multi-layered enough for those partial to Shakespearean tragedies. It deserves all the hype. People aren't as stupid as most television producers seem to think and the viewership proved it. Vince Gilligan is the king of the world right now and in true showbiz fashion closed it down right at its peak.

The show's going to be talked about, dissected and used as standard that all other dramas will be judged by. Last night my girl mentioned a very minor detail she saw in the first episode that was referenced in the last episode that I doubt many people will even remember. The whole series is airtight and you can tell the writers lived and breathed those characters, regardless of how many people got all the little payoffs.

Not sure what to think about the spinoff. Obviously if its the same writers then it should be good but I am not holding my breath on that one.

We are in a Golden Age of television. Too bad I don't have cable.

Its been raining a lot lately. I love it. I am currently sitting with my door open as the cool air and sound of rain comes into my apartment. I also opened my window and placed a towel on the sill to soak up the rain. Fall is close and its a glorious change I've eagerly waited for.

I live near a high school. And right around this time the streets are buzzing with kids walking home, busses driving by. Its very pleasant actually. Like a slice of small town simplicity. I can actually hear the bell ring from my apartment.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Well technically Sunday is my birthday but tomorrow Im getting together with some people and were going to just hang out downtown in a quaint little section of Austin that are a bunch of small houses that have been transformed into bars. Should be fun.

My career is in full swing. Its better than its ever been and right in time for the financial goal I set to hit before my birthday. Im not actually there as we speak but if things maintain their trajectory I should be fine. So a few months off is okay by me. As per my usual self I question how long it can stay this good. The only thing I can do is keep busting my ass for my clients and hope the results speak for themselves.

I have reached a point where I now have a skillset that few people have (or maybe care to develop) and it feels good. I've put in my time. I've worked for practically nothing. I've been disrespected by business owners who have no clue how to treat people who work for them because there was no HR department to complain to and I couldn't afford to speak up. I've taken roles that were not mine to concern myself with. I've dealt with achingly slow payments. I've even been criminally underpaid at times knowing the education and experience would pay off someday.

There was no degree I could get for this. No apprenticeship. Its just a combination of luck and recognizing an opportunity when it presents itself. Then taking action. And picking my battles. I've read books. I've attended seminars. I've listened to good and bad advice. I've hung out with douchebags and held my tongue. Now the dust has settled and here I am. But I cant stop pushing forward.

My life is a balance of satisfaction with where I am and a desire to make it something better. So I come to this birthday grateful for my life, proud of myself and a little scared its too good to be true. It feels like its the beginning of something new and different. But really you can say that about every single day we have.

Big gap in between posts so sorry about that 50 year old me.

Lets see... been dating a gal for a little bit. Working my ass off. Recording music here and there. Getting out of the house as much as possible. Sailing a decent amount.

I really got into Breaking Bad so I spend my Sundays at a cool watch party with a lot of other fans as each new episode is aired. Thats fun. Four episodes left.

Friends are having babies all around me. People are falling in love and out of love and in between love. New friends are showing up. Some are kind of slipping away. The good ones are still there and always will be.

I am about to turn 35. Whoah. Yeah. The good thing is work is going well so Im hoping this will be a great year for me financially. For some reason getting that part of my life together is important for my 35th year. Now comes the ability to keep a woman for longer than 3 months.

Not reading enough. Not working out enough.

Yawn. See you in another two months. :P

Bertrand Russell

I am reading The Conquest of Happiness. While dated, Russell nails a lot of important things that make the book worthy of reading. We'll get back to that in a second...

The other day I took two of my friends out on the sailboat and had an awesome day.

In the car on the way to the lake we began discussing stuff we normally talk about. One of the guys was born a Hindu and has a lot of out-of-the-box thinking that I find totally refreshing. He said something about how its important to find something bigger than yourself to believe in. Not necessarily a God (The other friend is an atheist) but something that helps you realize that the world is much bigger than you are.

Then today while reading this book Russell said this...

"The man who can center his thoughts and hopes upon something transcending self can find a certain peace in the ordinary troubles of life which is impossible to the pure egoist"

As I get older I find this is the crux of a lot of my issues. I am usually completely consumed with myself. My thoughts, my actions, what they mean and how they affect others. Its been that way since I was a child. It makes perfect sense that the more you try to dissect the complicated people we are, the more confounded and depressed you will become.

Sure its important to understand yourself but there has to be a line drawn as to what is important to focus on, and what is simply an overdeveloped ego bordering on narcissism.

Definitely glad to be considering these new integrations into my life.

It's Friday night and Im sitting at home. Went to pick up some food and got stopped by a cop. Dead headlight. Suddenly Im happy I didn't go out tonight. That could have been very bad.

I have not written in this blog in a month. Nothing terribly interesting going on. I have two new clients and Im a bit nervous about them panning out long term. I need them to. The first half of 2013 has been a little tight.

I've been sailing every week for about 3 weeks now which has been fun. My friend and I went with two attractive women last week so that was a nice day. Im getting the hang of reading the wind and making the boat do what I want it to do. The wind was so strong last week that it threw us around like rag dolls. I just dropped the sail and turned the engine on like an amateur. But we got back in one piece.

Speaking of attractive women... my dating life is in the feast period as opposed to famine. It cycles around so I know not to get excited or down with every pass but I am enjoying myself for the time being. As usual weird things happen when I am content with my dating life. Women text that I haven't spoken to in forever. I seriously think there is something to this but I can't possibly say what it is.

I've been recording a lot more which is good but I am not working as much because of it so I need to manage my time better.

Im not working out enough. I think Im doing once, maybe twice per week. Not good enough. Im having a hard time getting motivated to exercise.

And I just bored myself to sleep.

I just have to accept that its going to take a very long time to master Ableton. I bought a midi keyboard and this really helped the creative process to be able to actually play the notes rather than draw them. Still its daunting to stare at the interface and want it to do what you want it to do but it only gives you back the crap you put into it.

And not just the technical stuff. Knowing that I can now do pretty much anything without creative restrictions reminds me of how mediocre I can be.

I remember when I was using a cheap program 10 years ago to record stuff I would slave for hours over a tiny little feature and celebrate when I finally got it to work.  This software reduces those glorious moments of innovation and inspiration to a simple click of the mouse. Technology cheapens things again.

Its weird how unlimited potential can paralyze you where you stand.

You can leave a cigarette behind. You don't have to smoke it. Just go inside and write about stuff that makes you feel important.

I watched Manhattan tonight and realized that the best comedy meets neuroticism was pulled off by Woody Allen. All the things I have been trying to hide from women are nothing new. All the things I think that hold me back have been spoken and lauded.

It doesnt solve a thing. But it brings me closer to humanity. I'm not alone. But its still a movie.

Back!

Great great trip I totally didn't expect. I ate amazing sushi, hung with musicians who have played with very famous people, got paid decently for the work, saw some of the most beautiful parts of America and went on a terrible date that bordered on comedy.

The Bay Area is a incredible but Im back in Austin and once again reminded how great this city still is. We played a show last night and people hit the roof. It became a dance party and we had some awesome audience participation going.

Now its time to focus. I have a big potential job interview I need to prepare for, meet with a new client and have a meeting with an old client to get some stuff going again. Bring it.

More breathtaking views and drives. That building is a recording studio and thats their patio view.

Hwy 101 has to be one of the prettiest stretches of road in America. I could just drive and drive and not realize it. Texas is just one flat boring trip but the 101 is windy and full of surprises.

My hotel is just North of San Francisco in a cool little town called Corte Madera. I drove around town today and snapped some photos. Such a beautiful countryside. Flawless weather. The rumors are true.

Before I forget... The day before I left (yesterday evening) I actually approached a woman, told her I thought she was adorable and said I wanted to take her out. She smiled genuinely and told me she had a boyfriend or she would have said yes.

I felt good about that. I want to return to Austin and continue this streak of being bolder. Driving on this awesome highway is just too pretty to keep doing alone and I realized that its going to take me stepping outside of my comfort zone in Austin to meet someone cool.

Not that I am not enjoying this. But man a hottie in a sundress beside me would crank this trip up to an 11.

San Fran Part 2

I have not written in a shamefully long time.

Currently I am sitting at a Starbucks in Fisherman's Wharf. I just had an In and Out Burger and after I do a little work Im going to go snap some photos of my surroundings. Its a picture perfect day here and I have a rental car so I've been driving around a lot.

Im making the most of a mostly business trip. Today will pretty much be my only day I will have to myself. From here on out its associating with people I never would choose to in my normal life. But its so pretty here its hard to not see everything as a-ok. I saw a couple sitting in a small city park smoking a joint. I would totally do that today if I had the chance. I stopped by Golden Gate Park. They have very big trees here. I like that.

I want to say that I have learned to never fly American Airlines based on my last trip. This time around it was Jet Blue and it was leagues better. They let us watch movies for free and their snacks were good. The flight attendants were funny. The plane was roomy. Perfectly on time. Arrived early actually.

American is the opposite of all those things. Worst airline. I read in the news the other day they grounded a huge amount of planes for some reason. It did not surprise me.

Okay time to walk around. Screw work.

SXSW 2013

SWSW is in the can. As usual, I really didn't do enough but I had a decent time. Standing in line for 2.5 hours for a mediocre show and then losing the person I was there to see it with until the very end would have to be the low point.

The high point was probably last night. I just wandered around downtown with a friend. We met up with another guy and then a couple girls joined us. We ended up bouncing to a couple places (everything is crazy packed for SX). We finally finished up by dancing at my favorite dance club. Honestly nothing I couldn't have done any other time but the energy of the city is something else entirely this time of year so it was still cool.

I finally began exploring online tutorials to use my music software. Its overwhelming and I have barely scraped the surface of what its capable of. I like the idea of being self-contained in the creation process. I lose the abilities and input of other human beings but I also know that if it sucks its my fault 100%. And this is one of those things that taking the time to study can change everything. Every little sound has infinite possibilities and I know very little about making it sound professional. I have structure to what I am working with but little technical know-how to make it sound correct. I also need to get a midi keyboard because I am literally drawing the notes with my mouse which is just stupid.

Work is ok. The potential projects have yet to pay off in the way I want them to but the opportunity is definitely there so I have to be patient. I realize now that just because I have one bad month does not mean it will remain that way. A typical office job would not offer that kind of opportunity. I am sacrificing stability for opportunity. I think its worth it.

I will be heading to Nashville next Thursday to visit a friend and a girl I met through said friend. I will work from coffee shops during the day and hang with them at night. Looking forward to seeing a new city.

I flirted with the idea of moving to a new apartment but I realized my situation is pretty solid for what I pay. That and moving is a bitch. So it looks like I am here another year. I may try to sign for 6 months if they will let me.

So with work, this new software and trying to be social I have pretty much maxed out my 16  hours of time in the day. Happiness factor is hovering near content but we all know that kind of thing never lasts.

Correction

I brazenly touted that I had reached my financial goals before my 35th birthday as planned. This is not true. After breaking down my finances I fell pretty far from the mark.

I had assumed a couple good months would stretch out into a full year and this was not the case. To my credit I made more last year that I have in my life, but I am not the badass I portrayed myself to be.

Id like to have those comments stricken from the record.

So now I have 7 months to make it happen.

Star Stuff

I've been watching Carl Sagan's original Cosmos series. He brings a wonder and near-spirituality to science that completely blows me away. Every episode I say "Wow" at least 3 times.

The sheer size of the universe is mind-boggling the way Sagan breaks it down. Our time in this universe is only a sneeze in the overall timeline of creation. We are made of the exact same things as stars billions of light years away. Stuff we already know, but he paints it eloquently and makes me feel like I'm learning it for the first time.

He talks about potential other universes, the complexity of DNA, whale songs and I find myself laughing at the fact that this series is 30 years old yet I know very little about most of the stuff he talks about.

He also covers religion which ties into a conversation my friend and I have been continuing to have about Hinduism (his family's religion). Its the only religion that closely matches the true nature of science and what we know about the universe.

Maybe because Sagan is on my mind a lot, I start to notice his influence. I met a woman last night at a show and her dog was named Sagan. We chatted awhile and were both excited to discuss Cosmos.

I know I'm late to the fan-club but the guy was/is awesome.

Lies

People tend to keep doing what they have always done. I tend to fall back into patterns, familiar worldviews and easy stereotypes. My quality of life is directly affected by things that I believe, regardless if its real or not. What is real if you think about it? Is there one truth out there or is everything just a subjective rollercoaster with the only meaning being that which we assign?

These are basic 1st semester philosophy questions but lately its become pretty important to me. I wonder what kind of BS "truths" I hold onto that are holding me back from a more fulfilled life. I know some of them but are there others?

I suppose thats why I read so much personal development stuff. I can feel the weeds spreading throughout my mind if I don't continually try to stretch my view of the world. I do not handle stagnation well.

I wonder if everyone else experiences the kinds of lows and highs that I seem to go through with self-esteem, satisfaction and well being.

Sanity is only temporary.

The Swings

Its the swings man. The ups and downs.

I need a drink and no one is around.

Wow I think I just accidentally wrote a song.

Tonight we played our New Order set. I purposely invited no one in case we sucked.

Big mistake because we crushed the shit out of it. People freaked out. The sound was great, we nailed our parts and everyone hit the roof.

So I'm back in austin with renewed energy.

San Francisco is an amazing city. I briefly got to see it but the parts I saw were incredibly nice. I had drinks the last night on the 39th floor of the marriott overlooking a breathtaking view of the city.

I had great sushi, walked around downtown and hung with some nice people at the conference.

Now I'm back in town and work things are picking up. Im hoping to really get this realtor project off the ground and do well with it. I created a kick ass presentation today to show our client about the long-term vision of the project.

On the non-work front we are playing our first show this Sunday. Low pressure venue. 4 New Order cover songs. Should be fun.

In other news I can comfortably bench a set of 8 reps @ 170lbs. I have to decrease the weight to continue but I have surpassed my body weight which is pretty cool.

San Francisco

Sitting in a crazy bar area of the Marriott in downtown San Francisco.

This event is about 1800 people coming to learn the latest digital marketing techniques. I am excited to pick up some new skills and put them to use with my clients. I also hope to pick up some new clients and get some schmoozing going. I am not as good at it as I would like.

Have a friend touching down in a couple hours to join me. I'm afraid I won't be getting out much to see the city but we'll see. I did walk around downtown a bit today and snapped this pic:

I am currently writing this post on my new laptop. I went with the Macbook Pro. Its gorgeous. Its powerful. It was expensive so it better be everything and then some.

Apple is an amazing company. No other product has the brand loyalty, the innovation and the flat out beauty and construction as these guys. As a study of how a business should be, Apple is at the top of the pile.

I am paying this off with 18 months of no interest which should not be a problem for me. Opening this thing up today was the closest thing to feeling like a giddy child I have felt in a long time.

In other news I met with a friend tonight after one of his gigs. We talked music mostly. He's going to school for composition and is currently writing pieces for bassoon, piano and violen. All of which he can play personally. He recently posted a video of himself playing Bach on the piano in the UT auditorium. I know of no one else who has that level of mastery and to hear him speak about his own shortcomings is funny to me. He fits the textbook definition of a prodigy but is plagued by his own self doubt. I take selfish solace in that.

He actually played some of his singer songwriter stuff at my bands last gig. He brought up my performance several times. He legitimately likes my songwriting and it really makes me think about my material. Giving up on it entirely would be a mistake and his compliments mean a lot to me. He continually brings up one of my versus as really doing a number on him. I have my moments and I really hope to keep music a part of my life, despite the growing disconnect I feel with it.

January marks the poorest month for me in quite some time. I am down a couple clients.

Good thing someone contacted me today about some work. Hopefully that pans out. Looks like I'm going to have to dip into savings to pull this month off.

I should take this as motivation to really hit the pavement for new clients in 2013.