this was as cool as it looks.

100% Done

Nearly 1.5 years ago we started recording this album.

The problem was money. We would run out, save up and then continue. But the final mixes are now being sent to the mastering guy and we should have our final product in the next few days.

Lots of different emotions surrounding this. Lots of questions. How will this be received? If well, then what?

I know that I am not done playing music. Its the only thing I've ever done that I can say I'm proud of. If anything I can use this as a jumping off point for new projects. Like a resume.

We are going to have a listening party which should be a bittersweet event. The band is done. This is the best and only album we will ever release. I'm proud of most of it. How many people can say they were a part of a full-blown LP?

I have nearly 5 years of memories with this band. I started this blog right as we formed so a lot of our experiences are documented here, which I am grateful for.

Next we figure out track listing, liner notes, printing, copyrights etc. The boring stuff. The boring stuff loaded with drama and potential ego battles. We are not out of the woods just yet.

Big Heavy Train

This is how I describe my life right now. It feels like everything is changing and its like an unstoppable force pushing through everything.

I think the band might never play a show again. D is heading to New York in the summer for an internship so who knows if a CD release is possible. We took so damn long to make it that we are all disconnected and lacking enthusiasm.

I remember our last show. I strangely felt it might be our last so I gave it everything I had. I actually wrote about it in this blog. We played to a handful of folks so it was not a glorious final show. But I put myself into it 100%. Partly because I was broken-hearted and needed the escape. Partly because I knew the band was disintegrating. The only thing I could do is give myself the satisfaction of a present performance.

I have that and its a good feeling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actually just wrote him. It's definitely over. I am strangely having feelings that closely resemble a breakup. Not as bad of course but lots of little dangling things to wrap up.

Dammit right as we release an album.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wrote him again. Looks like we will have a listening party at least. Possible stripped down acoustic set. I basically wrote him and said we've been through too much to leave things this open-ended and he agreed. So we may rent out a venue and have a little final thank you to our friends and supporters. I feel better.

Not exactly sure how I get by sometimes.

I had never seen a single episode of Battlestar Galactica. The series is over and I just started the 1st season.

HOLY CRAP.

Brilliant show. Well acted. Amazing sets and special effects. Totally engrossing, surprising storylines. Sci-Fi meets philosophy meets military meets space opera. Impressive character development. Wow. This is one of the best shows I've ever seen and I'm only 7 episodes in.

The funny thing was I had a very negative preconception going in. I thought I had seen it before. Some show with cheesy aliens and bad special effects and stories about learning tolerance and other trite TV plots.

This show is the opposite. Its like a mini-movie every episode. It subtly draws from Greek mythology and different religions. It's heavy on the psychological and has a lot of unspoken fictional history and culture to it.

I would say this is my inner nerd coming out but I dare anyone to watch this show and not get into it. I'm either cheering or totally freaked out by the end of each episode. Lost, you have been bested.

Of course telling someone my feelings about it is like saying "You have to check out this internet thing. I think its going to be huge"

My friend who started making a lot of money is heading to Hawaii.

Not sure why he is moving so quickly but he is selling everything and just going. Doesn't really know anyone there... no real idea where he'll live. He just bought a one-way ticket and is leaving next month.

I wonder.

Good weekend. Went to something called Arial Arts with my girlfriend (feels weird to say girlfriend). Basically it was the play The Time Machine by HG Wells but with arial acrobats similar to cirque du soleil doing crazy body contortions on trapezes, rings, metal cubes and a stripper pole. Classiest pole dancing ever. Seriously these women do some crazy things that seem to defy physics. And they are the embodiment of physical fitness. Very impressive.

We walked around some of the most beautiful neighborhoods in Austin also. For such a small city there is still so many things I have not seen or done. Its embarrassing how much time I've wasted in the 7 years I've been here. Found a giant graffiti park and snapped some photos

Yesterday I watched the movie Battle Royale. Wow. Very violent flick with children murdering each other. The ending was weird to the point of beyond understanding so I gave up. I would classify this movie as an experience. I cant say great. I cant say it sucked. Its just something you should probably see once.

My girl is very sweet to me. I'm not used to all the attention. It's an adjustment for sure. She's a redhead so I wonder if we look related when we walk down the street holding hands. She dances well. She secretly sings well. She is beyond goofy. She is quite a talker and makes my ADD seem tame. She has a nerd streak so she doesn't mind sitting on the couch with me while I play her Super Nintendo. She digs good music and Star Wars. She had a strange medical condition a couple years ago where she faced her own mortality which I find very interesting. She likes children. She hates cats. She thinks I'm sexy and tells me so frequently. She has asthma/allergies. She digs yoga. She also has an estranged father. I don't think she has a mean bone in her body. Did I mention shes a talker? ;)

My gal came over with a giant transformer that doubles as a vacuum. It has this awesome window on it so you can see all the junk its pulling up.

This thing pulled shit from my carpet that I could scarcely believe. My carpet looks relatively clean but this badass vacuum found a bunch of old cat hair, dirt, dust you name it.

My carpet looks great and she doesn't feel itchy eyed anymore. She went kind of crazy and cleaned my kitchen too. Looks like I just moved in.

TOPIC SWITCH!

I started selling a little 7 page report about how to set up your Google Adwords account. Im selling it for $7 as a test and already have two sales. This is exciting because my old idea of selling to musicians was just a bad idea.

But if I can find a niche of business owners then that's going to change everything. These first 2 sales are a big win for me.

The Wedding

Where do I start...

First off the wedding was great. I've never seen M so happy. She was crying/laughing as her brothers walked her down the aisle. They played very good music. The finger foods were pretty good. It wasnt too long of a ceremony. Pointless and tired Bible scriptures were removed from the ceremony entirely.

The actual ceremony itself was a bit brutal for me personally. The sun was beating down on us so that sucked. The worst part was my eye had something in it. My contact decided to give me a hassle during the ceremony which was hilariously ironic as my left eye streamed tears the whole time.

Seriously I looked like an overly emotional girl as my eye violently tried to eject whatever the hell was in it. As I sat in the heat with unrelated tears streaming down my face I had to sort of laugh to myself and think "only me."

Before the reception I went to the bathroom to take the contact out. It worked. Felt like a million bucks after cleaning it off. I go to wash my hands and the soap dispenser shot out a quick stream that splattered on my shirt and pants. Great. Now I look like i pissed myself. Crying and pissing myself at a wedding.

The bathroom had a high powered hand blow dryer so I stood under that thing for 15 minutes or so trying to make the spots dry. I got it down to a reasonable level and headed out to meet my date.

The reception was where things started to get interesting. My ex-girlfriend K was there with her husband. He was a very nice guy. I imagined him a douchebag but he gave me no sign of that. K on the other hand was already semi-drunk. I began to notice tiny little comments between her and my date. Very subtle ways of interacting that showed they weren't fans of each other.

After the reception we all split up and met up later that night when everyone went out. This is where it got very interesting.

K was drunk and everywhere I was. She was offering to buy us drinks. Hanging out around us. I felt bad for her husband who had to pull her away from us a few times.
People were noticing and making comments. Not good.

When the bars closed we joined their party bus and headed back to the hotel. We are all just hanging out drinking beer in the room. It was going fine. Suddenly everyone sort of disappeares and it was just me and my date. K walks in the room.

At this point I am a bit drunk so somehow my date stepped out of the room for a second. K begins to ask me about her. Not sure exactly what she asked but my date was listening on the other side of the door. She did not like what she heard and stormed into the room letting out the entire day's worth of buildup on her. Things like "WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND?" and other things.

Next thing I know I am consoling my crying date in the hall. We leave. I didn't get to say goodbye to M or her friends and family. That sucked.

Its safe to say my date does not think highly of my ex-girlfriend and I can't say I blame her. She was drunk and very much like the woman I remembered dating and being unable to reign in. I feel for her husband who has his hands full.

That aspect aside it was a great night. I am happy for M. Her husband was nice too. Everyone was nice. Some a little too nice. ;)

Jesus Historically Inaccurate?

Worth exploring

I've come the the conclusion that the biggest barrier for my success and happiness has nothing to do with the outside world.

I wrestle with motivation. But there is no one to blame for my situation but myself. I have a friend who just started making serious money. He has eclipsed me within a couple months. I feel that tinge of jealousy but I have to step back and see whats really going on.

Hes put in the work. Hes done the proper networking. Hes seeing the results. He does have a new sense of pride about it that could easily be taken for arrogance but that's his thing and my reacting to it does not serve me.

This situation reminds me why human relations can be so difficult. I could easily see this as a painful spotlight on my own disappointment in myself and retreat from the emotion somehow. This could manifest into jealousy that causes me to act differently around him and be an overall dick. I could see how most people would do this and never dissect it and understand it for what it is and just react. Because its hard to fight your own emotions in these situations.

I can see how your mind will find any other reason than the truth to hold onto for some sort of validation that this is anything but what it truly is. This fascinates me. Self-deception is wild. Its very real. It takes an honest effort on your part to look it straight in the face and not let it take over. I can see how few people can pull this off.

Social Petri Dish

Saturday is going to be quite a day (and night).

My friend M is getting married. We dated at one point.

I also dated K who was her friend (one of my longest relationships). She hated that M dated me and dissolved their friendship for a while. They have since reconnected so K will be at M's wedding.

I am bringing my date. She is fully aware of the fact that I dated both women.

So the subtext to this scenario is out of control.

Ks interactions with me (whom I have not seen in 4 years), Ms interactions with me, Ks Husband will be there and Ive never met him, M's husband's interactions with me. K+M's interactions with my date. My date's interactions with K+M and myself.

Mathematically there are some pretty wild potential social scenarios that would each be considered awkward.

We all plan on going out after the wedding to party downtown.

This is going to be great.

Here is my date's dress:




Here is what I am wearing:



Just kidding.

Lately I've been thinking about God. And not in the limiting way that I think Christianity and other religions attempt to answer it with impractical certainties and Sunday school stories that are total BS.

I'm not even sure I believe in the concept of a monotheistic Judeo-Christian throne sitting, patriarchal creator. I certainly don't believe Jesus is the supreme path to an afterlife. I can't claim I'm a Christian.

But something I really want to know is are there loving beings beyond this reality that are watching over me, protecting me and helping me grow closer to what I believe is the ultimate aspect of living... love. Its hard to have these conversations without sounding cheesy and cliched but I do think Love is the ultimate reason for life.

I want to know someone has my back. That I am loved in a way I will never understand and that I can shape this life any way I want, provided I am moving towards a higher caliber of thinking and being. Id love to know that these amazing beings are pushing me towards this and WANT me to succeed.

I want to know "Is the Universe a friendly place?" as Albert Einstein famously asked. I really hope so.

3ds is in the can.

Interesting weekend with 40 or so very smart people. I am used to being in the top tier of intelligence in most places I go (at least I FEEL that way).

But this weekend was an exception. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was probably near the bottom of the intelligence spectrum with these people (at least I FELT that way).

Of course intelligence is hard to pin down yada yada but it was great to be around such motivated, hard working and intelligent people. The ideas pitched and worked on didn't really thrill me so i wasn't as motivated as I should have been. However, one group got an offer for funding before the event was over. It was for an iphone app that finds open restaurants near you at any time of the night. They got something like 50-200K in potential funding to flesh the product out.

I felt out of place in this group because my experience has to do with a different kind of marketing than these people were familiar with so I had a hard time finding a place for my ideas. But the experience was worth it in that I now have a huge group of people I can contact that can bang out code for things like iphone apps and software programs I may envision in the future.

As usual my biggest interest was in the social nuances of my surroundings. Sometimes my focus is a challenge because I turn my attention to the energies and tiny little characterizations of the people around me. This is hard to explain but a real thing for me that sometimes affects my ability to be present in a moment. People watching on steroids.

Its the same thing with movies for me. Often I lose the plot because I begin to focus on the acting and behind the scenes information rather than allowing myself to become engaged in the story.

Tangent... anyway it was a great experience.