I made it this far

Tomorrow is the big day. The day of reckoning. The moment of truth. I feel good.

gotta be one of my favorite bands in the last 6 months...

www.myspace.com/midlake

Listening to "Roscoe" right now. Its mid tempo but it just has so much power in it. And singing about living in the woods is not what I would usually say gets me fired up but this band does that; takes something unusual and gives it a romantic, existential coolness. Who needs to relate when you have harmonies???

I texted 3 different women the same text tonight.

"Meet me for a drink...I have 24 hours to live"

no response yet. but it doesn't matter. i'm brilliant.

i suck

tonights recording session was all me...and it sucked. I tried to lay down guitars for the 2 songs I brought to the table but it was entirely frustrating and I didn't do well. I feel like I wasted people's time and our money.

First, the tempos are not how I envisioned the songs so that affects how I play. Theres not a lot we can do now since the drums and bass have been laid down. I became self conscious of Daniel (the guy recording us) because I wanted to get it right quickly so he doesn't get frustrated with us having to do it over and over again (since we aren't paying him as much as most studios charge) Well I was in my head about this the whole time.

The good thing was Daniel (our Daniel) and I agreed that we will simply pay him more money if it means getting things right. (Our) Daniel said he doesn't know if he'll ever get the chance to do this again so he doesn't want to feel rushed and I completely agree with him. I will gladly fork over more money if it means we get more time to make things right. This is the biggest thing in our lives right now so its a big deal to take our time and make it good.

Basically I wasn't a very good musician tonight. In fact I listened back to the tracks and was pretty unhappy with everything. I know its just a bad night but I feel talentless right now. Like the songs suck anyway, this is stupid, what am I doing pretending to be a musician and songwriter.

almost as if my identity as an artist was threatened. nights like tonight make me doubt everything about this part of myself.

I'm going to bed.

The Great Depression Part II?

I'm no economist but I'm afraid coming years might be a complete economic disaster for a whole lot of people. Were not talking about oil or the war in Iraq.

Its social security to watch out for.

I have a pretty wealthy friend who is so sure that the looming social security crisis will be devastating that he is pulling his money out of the American "Fiat" economy and investing in Gold and Silver in Europe. He has a giant safe and he is looking into buying a very powerful shotgun. Our conversations freaked me out.

He is certain its basically the fall of Rome. While that may be a bit excessive I too am getting a little scared after the small amount of research I have done.

Read this

The bad thing is neither candidate wants much to do with it. Who would? Every answer ends up pissing off huge groups of people. So whoever wins the election wont be able to stop it.

So it would seem that I have about 4 years to start making serious amounts of money before a major shift in the American economy slaps the shit out of everyone, completely crushing guys/gals with my level of income.

I need to research this more before making any claims but this isn't looking good.

I know its early but

Halloween in Austin is around the corner again. I gotta have something take my mind off the last post's topic.

Its a total blast to be out then. The weather is cool and the costumes are awesome....

its the waiting

4 days until I sit down with my boss. This is the definition of mental pacing.

I have all kinds of wonderful reasons why I deserve more money and pray that I recall them all and can speak intelligently during the negotiation process.

I had a dream my boss gave it to me with little hassle. I hope thats a foreshadowing of reality.

Here is the quandry:

The guy is awesome. I like working for him. He is the most laid back wealthy person I have ever met. He wears shorts and hawaiin shirts to work everyday. He tells me that he likes me being there.

so far so good.

Yet.

The guy is super cautious with his money. I don't forsee him just telling me to get lost but I imagine a certain level of presentation so he will understand exactly what I am doing for him dollar for dollar. Which of course is fine for me because I have seriously great numbers. He is making more money with my being there than if I wasn't. Even if he pays me what I feel I deserve he will still be sitting pretty.

So while every fiber of me knows this raise is a very real possibility I have to be my absolute best the day we go over the reasons why. Go to bed early. eat a good breakfast, prepare my figures, organize them, have talking points and not bumble through them like a retard. Be ready for any possible objections and have a good answer for them.

I'm going crazy waiting. I want things to work out so bad that I'm afraid all this extra time to think about it is going to mess me up. I just need to take a deep breath, relax and realize that I am the fucking bomb and deserve every penny. Seriously I'd share the figures but not sure that would be a wise thing over the internet.

Lets all collectively cross our fingers for this (all 3 of you). Its a very big deal to me.

lazy

dig Sunday's. I woke up at 2.

rented there will be blood yesterday. Daniel Day Lewis was terrifying and sad at the same time. Johnny Greenwood's soundtrack puts you on edge. pretty great film. Makes me wish I could act. I tried it a few times as a kid. I was Joseph (Jesus' dad) in a school play once. I was supposed to point at a star or something and I hit a plant with my hand.

Acting to me is fascinating. I look at the really good ones and wonder if they forget that they are acting sometimes. I know the whole movie making process is tedious and slow so you cant possibly forget can you?

money money money

Its always about money isn't it?

I don't really need much by way of possessions. Other than my musical equipment I don't really have much to speak of or even a very strong desire to acquire more. No plasma television, no enormous DVD collection, no super sexy car. I have friends who are never satisfied and they are rolling in mountains of cash and nice things. Money for me is more about my future (potential wife, kids etc) and right now FUN AND EXPERIENCES. Money gives me the chance to go places and see and do things.

I've been thinking a lot about this because I am going to approach my boss when he gets back from his vacation about making more money. I have been there three months now and I am making him a lot with my marketing efforts so I am very happy with myself. The trial period is over. I am ready to ask for what I am worth. Now I just have to wait a whole week to sit down with him. This has been the biggest thing on my mind lately. I have no clue what outcome it will have. But I have the numbers and logic to back myself up so I am confident it will go well. Soon I will be a typical middle class american. Wait. No way.

I am going to save huge chunks of my income. I am turning 30 with nothing to show for it financially and its a bit embarrassing. I feel the bulk of my 20s was squandered on aimless wandering, the wrong woman and no real focus or goals. That cannot continue.

Yeah!

birthday show

okay so no europe but this is awesome in its own right

September 12 we are having a birthday party/show at the children's museum in Austin.

Yes I am celebrating turning 30 in a children's museum.

We will have a couple bands and of course we will rock your faces off. Its BYOB.

And anyone reading this is invited. I'd like to get as many family and friends to this show as possible. This will be the best birthday ever. My band and as many smiling faces as I can pack into the place.

And there will be legos.

PS If I cant get laid that night, I am in serious trouble.

another dream

this time I was about to be sent off to Iraq.

the dream starts with me and this other guy sitting at a table with this woman interviewing us. Its like we were in the reserves or something and they were giving us some sort of exit interview (this shows I know nothing about the military).

I noticed the files in front of her showed that the other guy was scheduled to be sent to Iraq and I wasn't. He was upset by this and said that his mental state couldn't handle it. I felt a sigh of relief. The interview continued.

The dream then changes and I learn that I am the one now being sent to Iraq and this other guy is not. The lady had switched the files to where it was me going instead of him. I am absolutely furious at this because I saw the files and I know that some sort of deception is going on.

I rush down this giant complex and grab a secretary and force her to show me where this ladies office is. We enter and I run up to her screaming at the top of my lungs at my disgust with her. I'm making a huge scene. She is saying she is losing respect for me. (?)

I am stating my case with ironclad logic and conviction. I'm telling her that she was pretty stupid to interview us both at the same time and had I not seen those files I would only be upset with the government and the situation and probably have gone off to war, but I am CERTAIN that this is a dubious act by a woman playing favorites.

Then of course I wake up. But the dream seemed to be leading to my winning the argument.

What I liked about this dream was my passionate tirade on this woman. I don't recall everything I said but every word was well spoken, made perfect sense and was still scathing and LOUD. I demanded justice and it was almost as if that fervor created it for me. I was crying at one point in my outbursts but what can you do, this thing was a HUGE deal to me. I recall one sentence very well.

"I refuse to go off and die for a war I don't believe in"

I realized Im getting old.....

a few things made me realize I'm getting older.

1. I like coffee now
2. a night of heavy drinking fucks me up for days
3. I think about investing
4. I'm interested in the whole tax process
5. If I don't eat right I get constipated immediately
6. I imagine having kids for tiny brief moments (very tiny brief moments)
7. I watch the news
8. Cartoons I used to watch as a kid seem absolutely terrible to me (no esoteric, GenX appreciation for them either, they're just bad)

Theres more but thats a few. Got some cool news Ill share a little later.


Random thought: I was thinking I would like to throw myself into a giant cake someday.

good song

another song worth mentioning.

I heard this on the radio the other day and the singer sounded EXACTLY like the guy from Arcade Fire (I would have bet any amount of money that it was him). Well it wasn't but the song is fantastic.

I checked them out and pretty much everything else sucks by them but this song gets to me. They have been around since 1985!

Poi Dog Pondering - From This Moment On

listen to that one only. The others blow. I'm serious. The discrepancy between the others and this song is ridiculous. Do NOT listen to the other tracks or you will judge my lack of musical taste. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING BUT THIS ONE SONG.

i hope i made my point. no?

well its just that the other songs are doo-doo. proceed with caution.

jeeze 30?

are you serious? 30?

I keep asking myself that.

It looks like my optimism for getting out of town in September might not be realized. The economy sucks and I have zero money right now. Especially with my upcoming move to a more expensive apartment. (not sure why I did that but its a NICE apartment. Maybe I'll drink less to compensate. Its a win/win!)

I definitely will get out of town soon but it might be later in the year when I start making more money and can save a little. It would be so cool to be in Europe when I turn 30 though. Maybe I can still make it happen somehow.

So I guess I should consider this coming birthday a pretty big deal. It really isn't but if I try I can make it mean something to me. Ideally every birthday would be a celebration of the chance to be alive and make the most of your time here but this birthday is a mixture of emotions.

One I am so far from where I want to be with women/a woman. I feel like an emotional child in the relationship realm. I have no clue how to be a boyfriend much less a husband to a girl. Not even sure that marriage is a smart choice for me. But I can't be chasing women in bars forever. It's already getting old. Completely ego based and empty. The cheap thrill of attraction shows there's a level of immaturity still present in me. I think I could settle with one, awesomely sexy fun chick. But I keep meeting nutcases.

The last date I went on was great but she had weird stubble or something on her chin which freaked me out. I couldn't get past it and as shallow as it sounds it still affected me and I hate myself a little for it. kinda funny though. Very funny actually.

Financially I'm not even remotely close. Getting closer though. This job has promise.

Health is okay but I have to stop eating out all the time and learn to cook.

I need to grow a pair and call my dad to touch base. Its been awhile. I don't even know how to reach him. I think his name is on file with Guitar Center because they once asked me if I lived at a strange address in Houston when I was buying some guitar strings. It is most likely him. Marcus used to play the drums so that makes sense. He also used to own a pizza joint I could call. 20 minutes of research would probably get me pretty close. But once again I am being a giant vagina about it.

thirty.

holy crap.

tedious

so recording is pretty tedious but its going well. Drums and bass pretty much knocked out.

In nerd-like fashion I am pumped to see Batman.

Met a girl. Meeting her out tonight. We'll see.

That is all.

The State

When I was a kid MTV had good shows.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dAjDKdYcqnU&feature=related

back to the future

i had another dream about going back in time. This time it was 1984 and I was trying to tell people about all the changes that were to come. the internet, 9-11 etc. We were watching a lame madonna video and I was like "wow I remember when this was cutting edge"

My 1984 friends didn't understand me.

split second honesty

We all have our personas we put on for everyone. People we hate. People we like. People we looooove.

I was thinking about this one girl I used to work for in my old job. For some reason I really got on her nerves (which was odd because at one point I was her favorite person there).

It was interesting when I would come around a corner or something and sort of surprise her with my presence. I noticed an uncontrollable reaction she would have of me for a split second. A reaction of something like disgust that would quickly dissipate into a pleasant persona. She couldn't hide it completely. She hated me. In turn I disliked her but since we were in the same department together I decided to live with it and do nothing about it.

It got me thinking. I can recall a lot of different people and their knee-jerk reactions to the first brief moments of my presence. Some were instant warming smiles, others were nervous shifty eyes but it would often quickly be buried underneath the same sort of pleasantry doling status quo reaction.

Pay attention to people's uncontrollable reactions to you. Watch their faces when you first run into someone. It tells a lot about how they feel. We all have associations to memories, objects, everything around us. I assume its based on past experience and is a way of understanding the world around us. Like how a baby thinks if mom walks away she ceases to exist until enough repetition shows that she is simply out of the room.

Or how red and blue lights flashing behind you when you are driving cause instant tension. Why? Were you born with that? Or is it your brain scanning your memories for similar experiences and firing off a reaction.

same thing when someone sees you. They have a general emotion they feel for you and for a tiny little moment, they cant hide it.

I'm shooting for the instant look of raw unbridled lust. Sadly its usually something else.

review

read it here

more dreams

so i had this dream I traveled back in time to the house in Channelview circa mid 1990s. I did this with someone who came along with me but they were only in the dream for awhile. The majority of the dream was me trying to figure out exactly what year it was.

The house was open but no one was home. It was a pretty summer day so everyone at home could have been on the jet ski or just away for awhile. The park down the road was a lot prettier than it is now (or probably ever was). There was vegetation across the river on the island. The yard was nice and the house was a brighter red than it is now. I was very happy and content to be back in that time period.

I began looking through drawers and things to find clues as to when exactly this period was. I found a bunch of butterfly jewlry in my top dresser drawer and realized that it was loreece's.

The dream is very disjointed. At one point I was talking to my other time traveler friend trying to figure out everything. There were cars in the driveway I had never seen but in the dream I was familiar with them. The computer was ancient. I was going to sit down and play around on it for old times sake but as I was walking around upstairs the younger me walks through the door. I look at myself and say hey man whats up. Before I let my younger self react to a total stranger in his room, I bolt into the stairwell and lock the door behind me. The funny part is I think the lock is actually on that side of door in reality too. I then run downstairs and get into one of the cars. I hear the young me shaking the doorknob and I know hes going to crawl out the window so I'm in the car frantically pulling my keys out trying to get away. I look up and coming around the corner from the backyard is my younger self very concerned. Before I pull out, I wake up.

I actually really liked this dream. I found myself wanting to just spend time in that period. I was thinking how cool it would be to check Google and see it in its infant stages and I thought about the possibilities of telling the younger me to invest in it with all the money he could find. The house was very peaceful. It was a perfect breezy summer day with windows open and that feeling that people had just been there before I got there.