jeeze 30?

are you serious? 30?

I keep asking myself that.

It looks like my optimism for getting out of town in September might not be realized. The economy sucks and I have zero money right now. Especially with my upcoming move to a more expensive apartment. (not sure why I did that but its a NICE apartment. Maybe I'll drink less to compensate. Its a win/win!)

I definitely will get out of town soon but it might be later in the year when I start making more money and can save a little. It would be so cool to be in Europe when I turn 30 though. Maybe I can still make it happen somehow.

So I guess I should consider this coming birthday a pretty big deal. It really isn't but if I try I can make it mean something to me. Ideally every birthday would be a celebration of the chance to be alive and make the most of your time here but this birthday is a mixture of emotions.

One I am so far from where I want to be with women/a woman. I feel like an emotional child in the relationship realm. I have no clue how to be a boyfriend much less a husband to a girl. Not even sure that marriage is a smart choice for me. But I can't be chasing women in bars forever. It's already getting old. Completely ego based and empty. The cheap thrill of attraction shows there's a level of immaturity still present in me. I think I could settle with one, awesomely sexy fun chick. But I keep meeting nutcases.

The last date I went on was great but she had weird stubble or something on her chin which freaked me out. I couldn't get past it and as shallow as it sounds it still affected me and I hate myself a little for it. kinda funny though. Very funny actually.

Financially I'm not even remotely close. Getting closer though. This job has promise.

Health is okay but I have to stop eating out all the time and learn to cook.

I need to grow a pair and call my dad to touch base. Its been awhile. I don't even know how to reach him. I think his name is on file with Guitar Center because they once asked me if I lived at a strange address in Houston when I was buying some guitar strings. It is most likely him. Marcus used to play the drums so that makes sense. He also used to own a pizza joint I could call. 20 minutes of research would probably get me pretty close. But once again I am being a giant vagina about it.

thirty.

holy crap.