outta dodge

getting restless. Looking at plane flights to California and elsewhere. There is nothing holding me back from going somewhere for a week or so and working from there. Or is there?

Holy Moly

I started getting out of the house to work at coffee shops. The gas and food are worth the sanity it saves.

Anyway, Im sitting here and there is a gorgeous barista. Im guessing shes late 20s maybe early 30s. Wow.

What would life be like if I had absolutely 0 fear. I would get up, approach her and get her number. But that aint happening. Shes terrifying.

should i listen?

Some dreams feel important. Some dreams feel stupid and random.

Should we listen to the important ones? I always seem to have these really poignant dreams right before I wake up. They end and it cuts through my sleepiness and my eyes open with the meaning of it right there in front of me. At least my searching for the meaning.

Since this is a blog I often wonder how much I should share. Probably going to keep this vague but Im sure 50 year old me can figure this one out someday.

Last night/This morning was a doozie of an emotional rollercoaster. I want to know if I should act on it. I want to know if its true. I want to know if my emotions are deceiving me.

I feel things changing. Different from a year ago. Sure there is change every year but not like this. I am in a headspace I have never been in before. Its good. At least most people would say its good.

I feel the old philosophy battling the new one. But the old philosophy's argument seems to be standing on shakier and shakier ground. The old philosophy was rooted in fear. And lack of clarity and direction. And it has made a lot of my decisions for me in the past. Years of living and acting in fear. Associating with those that share the same sentiment so I can feel safe in it.

If I choose to live in the old philosophy I will go to my death never having experienced life. And that is terrifying. I see people I am very close to who have lives I do not want. And the old philosophy is a superhighway to that life.

This should be enough to move forward. But there are loose ends. And my dream last night was one of the loose ends. There is a good argument to forget it and push forward. There is a good argument to turn around and tie this thing up. Either way I want to live in the new philosophy from here on out. I want to see it take shape even more.

Funny is I feel totally transparent right now.

Met with a Lawyer

to discuss the copyright issues, master ownership, band partnership etc.

Lets hope we can all stay civil.

And now for something completely different

Here is a woman who can emulate any accent.

5 Moments of Awesome

This is my 501st post. Cool.

here are 5 moments from my life that felt awesome.

1. When I was about 12 I was in karate at the YMCA. At my first and only karate meet I kicked a board and broke it. We got three tries and I did it on my third. I was supposed to put my arms by my side and bow to the Sense. I couldn't put my arms down, they were held above my head in triumph as I bowed.

2. When I got on the bus one day and a girl quickly handed me a note, not making eye contact. On the note was something about me being cute written about a thousand times.

3. GI Joe had a base. It was a huge plastic playscape complete with a little prison to put captured Cobra members. I got it for Christmas and just about had an aneurysm.

See it here

4. Getting a date with Loreece. She was so hot I simply couldn't process it.

5. My little youth group went on a trip to the zoo. I was climbing Miller Outdoor Theatre and hit my face against a rusted beam. It caused an abrasion between my eyes, right above my nose. One of those abrasions that looks like its bleeding but theres still one layer of skin left so no blood actually goes anywhere. I was mortified and wanted to stay in the van all day. The whole group took lipstick and put it on their faces so we all looked the same and my fragile self image could be protected.

Its good to remember things. You should try this little experiment too. 5 Moments of Awesome. Go!

New Level of Band Drama

We are at the stage of assigning credit for the album. Bring out the Egos.

My Politics

I wont wax political anymore after this post. But this debt ceiling has gotten me all riled up. So I'm going to spout my politics one time to get it out of my system.

Here goes...

I am neither Republican nor Democrat. And I think it sucks we live in a country where we have to side with one to get anything done.

I believe the govt should be small and not be expected to supply us with every need we cry out for. We simply cant sustain that kind of spending without going bankrupt. Oh and that is what is happening right now. (Conservative View)

I don't believe in funding stupid wars, spreading democracy or forcing religion down anyone's throat. I think gay people should marry, women should have the right to choose and I should be able to smoke a joint when I want to. (Liberal View)

So basically I would get NOTHING done as a politician and no one would respect me. Good. I must have been raised properly. Or terribly.

So blow me Washington. You're all morons.

busted my ass

I busted my ass this month with work. I'm putting in 5-6 hours per day when I used to put in 3 or 4. I'm also getting a bonus check this month that's pretty sizable.

So...

I think I should reward myself and buy some recording software. I really need to put these new musical thoughts in a tangible form. I'm happy with them. They need to come out of my apartment and into the ears of someone else for a change.

And having an outlet like that would be great again. I spent the bulk of my early twenties locked away in my room upstairs recording songs. Shitty songs, good songs, instrumentals, weird poetry reading with sound effects. Just pure creativity and it was great. I want to get back there. Its been work work work lately. Adult shit like saving and investing and worrying about taxes etc. Fuck that. Lets make some music.

Tuning in

When the craziness was going on with the family I had some weird experiences.

One in particular was the night before my uncle and I rushed to Houston to get power of attorney over my grandmothers finances. We had set a date to get it done and planned on meeting in Houston later in the month.

But then I had a weird dream the next morning just as I was about to wake up. It was more of a visual image rather than a series of events. My arm had a big razor held to it and it was pulling slowly against the grain. I would try to pull it away but I couldnt move.

I woke up with the distinct thought that I needed to get the power of attorney taken care of ASAP. The correlation doesn't even really make logical sense but it was a crystal clear thought when I opened my eyes.

I planned to call my uncle around 8 that morning and tell him my thoughts. Instead he called me. "We need to get this taken care of immediately".

I told him I felt the exact same way and explained I was dreaming weird things and wanted to get it done. He said his wife too had had dreams that night that made her wake up and decide we need to do it sooner.

That was enough for me. We left that day and got it done. The experience was hassle free and the day flowed smoothly as I knew it would.

I remember waking up from the dream with an actual physical sensation in my head. Like a slightly charged, buzzing feeling. It was odd.

In that situation my intentions were pure. I wanted the safety of my grandmother. I feel the Universe (or whatever) often gives you what you want in those situations. I felt in alignment with something powerful and good.

I have been going back and forth these days with my opinions on the ethereal and whether or not there is anything beyond the senses I have been given. I wrestle with my understanding of science and psychology (not exactly "extensive") and my often strange experiences that make me feel connected to something beyond me.

I want to get closer to that source, whatever it may be. I want to believe there are things beyond my senses that actually have my best interest in mind. I want to believe I can be nudged in the right direction towards a beautiful life. And yet have it be something that I designed with my free will. Its beyond Christianity, Buddhism, New Age concepts. Those are all different reactions to the same hunch. That something is out there and its in your best interest to align with whatever it may be.

wow

I look to the side of this blog and see the archive is growing. I started this thing in December of 07? You have to be kidding me!

281-452-2848

From the old rotary phone we used to use, to the transfer to the rent house where my grandmother lived up until this month, this phone number was the most familiar 10 numbers of my life. At least 50 years old. Its etched into my brain. I've dialed it countless times. And its done now. I just called it and its just that annoying sound and a recorded message of that woman's voice that sounds like the 1950s.

The house. The phone number. The town. The only thing remaining is an old piano that my grandmother promised to give to me. But its huge. Must be 1000 pounds. Its sitting in an empty rent-house until we figure out what we are going to do with it. I'm considering giving it away to a church. Or possibly selling it. Its a beautiful piano. Not worth much but it was in my house my entire life. Original ivory keys.

If I do make that decision to get rid of it somehow I may have to come down 1 last time to that city to help get it loaded. But then I cant see a reason to ever come back. The only remaining friend I have there would easily meet me in the middle of Houston somewhere rather than have me drive another 30 minutes. So that pretty much seals the deal.

Part of me wants to keep it but I don't have room here in Austin. And it will cost me a lot to store it. I don't know what Im going to do.

But I wonder if that phone number will be transferred to anyone. I think it should be permanently retired but I don't get to make that decision. Seriously that number is ancient.

I wanna have friends....

Goodman is heading back to Tennessee.

Hes a lawyer. Austin is not the place to make that happen.

We talk about the meaninglessness of things. Trying to find a reason to make it feel important. Yet not lie to ourselves. He read me things he wrote that made me cry. His talent was beyond pleasantries.

Goodman is leaving Austin.

He was picky with the women here. Never quite sure what he wanted. But boy the ladies loved him. He was a Paul Rudd lookalike with a great sense of humor.

He sat across from Mary's terrible friends trying to be bitches and eviscerated them with a hilarious and complete lack of caring for how awful they were as people. That night he was my hero.

Goodman is gone and I hope to visit him someday. He was a friend. As I age its harder to meet them. Cheers to him and wishing him best in his endeavors.

say what you will about the outcome. When you remember her kissing you before work, sad to go, there is nothing that helps.