This blog is a joke now. I have completely abandoned it. But this is a big enough thing for me to break the silence.

When I was a kid I used to watch Comedy Central when it was just videos of comics doing their sets. I used to watch it until I was sick of it and then I would still watch it. I then spent years wanting to get the nerve to try it for myself. I had no clue if I had what it takes but I knew how much I appreciated it as an art form. I dreamed that one day I could do the same.

Tonight I realized that dream. I did a 10 minute set in front of a crowd of about 30-40 people and I completely owned it. Plainly put... I killed.

Friends came and were shocked I had it in me. Little do they know I worked and worked and worked on those 10 minutes. I had at least 20 pages of material that I finally weeded down to 4. And it went beyond my expectations. I know that if I continue this whole thing these kinds of triumphs will be few and far between. But fuck it this is a win of the best kind so tonight I celebrated.

I cannot believe what just happened. I woke up this morning with a knot in my chest. I was afraid. But the time came and I completely killed. I feel like Im brand new. I can do anything now. I feel alive for the first time in awhile. And it only took the appreciation of complete strangers.

Here is a pic of me backstage and terrified. 

My aunt Sandi suddenly died last week. I've been driving back and forth from Dallas to Houston to Austin for the last few days and its been exhausting.

The memorial service was today. I spoke a bit about her. I told the crowd how I took my pants off the night she first met me. I was 5. Shes been a big part of my family life since I can remember.

Her husband (my uncle) and his kids (my cousins) are handling as best they could. I feel for them. I worry about them. But its so tragic my brain wont let me cross into the super sad state of mind for some reason. I am sad but its not the level of sad I would expect. Or is it? Does that come later?

Its very weird to have someone who was fine one day suddenly leave this world and your life. I see a picture of her and I feel like she's still around. I literally cannot imagine the pain my cousins and uncle are feeling right now.

Last night I had a dream my ex girlfriend showed up to some random social gathering I was attending. She began flirting with my friends.

Rather than get mad or say anything I walked off and started teaching someone how to play chess. It wasn't just anyone. It was a mentally challenged woman I knew from the church I grew up in.

I sat her down and the dream turned into an incredibly long sequence where I laid out every pieces movement, the rules of chess and then we played a game. She picked it up fine. The dream was actually very detailed with what I said to her. Literally every piece was covered including the basic rules. I was patient and happy to share the info.

On its surface the dream wasnt much but the attention to detail of my instruction fascinates me. It was a simple yet odd dream that I felt like documenting for whatever reason.

Im finishing up some work in an empty apartment because my new place doesn't have internet yet.

I left myself a stool so Im sitting at the little island table that I mostly kept stuff on for the last 3 years. Movers came today and 99% of my belongings are now in boxes at my new place. I own very little so it was an effortless move.

All thats left here are a few random items and a very dirty carpet. Big changes. I got my very own place. I own the damn thing (or is that the lender?). I believe this is adulthood. Looks like Ill have to change the blog to something else. No more growing left to do. All done. 100% actualized American. Whew!

I needed this. Three years in this tiny apt was a bit too much for me. I realized that a lot of my time was spent needlessly suffering isolation when I should have just gotten out of the house or called someone. No one to blame but myself on that. My buddy's kid is now 3. I remember him freaking out that his wife was pregnant.

3 years isnt a long time but it is. Funny how time does that... existing as both simultaneously.

I had a few women come through. Most didnt stay long. One just stayed awhile. I miss 3 moments with her and the sex. The rest I can do without.

I realized that a lot of my time spent here was staring at a computer screen working. Nothing to be ashamed of but I need more balance. Too much work makes me a boring person.

The new place is in a great area. Its also much nicer than my old place. The movers were like... "You must be pretty excited" when they saw the new place. I guess I am. Yes I think I am.

And still I am hesitant to hit Publish on this blog post. It may just cause everything to disintegrate around me. I know. I know. Trust me I know. Working on that.

Happiness is

looking forward to something.

Don't think its anything more complicated than that.

I had a dream you were following me home from somewhere. We were both in our cars and it was late.

You didn't know where we were going so you tailed me closely. I could see your outline in the windshield blurred by the rain. You weren't smiling.

You had your hands at 10 and 2.... carefully turning when I would. Blinkers in perfect unison. I let cars pass me when necessary. Sometimes they would get between us and stick around too long but I never let you go. I made everything very deliberate. With every lane change you were on my mind.

The drive was long so my thoughts began to drift. I thought about how I felt weird when you actually trusted me. How I felt like every other man was a more certain version of myself and you were drawn to them because of it.

But not tonight. Tonight I knew exactly what to do. Exactly where to go. And you did not. You needed me. I guess that made you uncomfortable. This could all be in my head.

Lost in this for awhile I looked up and you weren't there anymore.  I slowed down and waited. But you never showed. Minutes turned to more. You were gone. So I kept going.

I lived my life. I aged. I adopted new theories of what happened. I married someone else. But when things were quiet or heavy I would think about that night I lost you and wonder.

No word. No call. Just a faceless silhouette in my rearview with somewhere else to be.

I woke up in someone else's life
new face
new toothbrush

I did the dirty dishes and had arguments
I toasted stranger-friends for their support
and suffered for the good of a foreign relationship

All the while my hands were not mine
fixing broken dresser drawers
gripping the steering wheel
waiting for two kids to stop screwing around back there

How long will this last…
This brand new face?
When I will I get back to whatever it was I knew before this?
Was I happier?
I don't remember now

I can still open the door when it rains
so its not all bad.
its just different

this is for me
just a little bit
for you and your friends
with their perfume hair flip

so much stock
so much stock
in this

but really what do you mean
you can't stay for drinks
what do you mean

i wait for nothing at all

technology fails me
frequencies let you down
weak bass response
shaky voice
but its pure
don't be a bitch
its pure

i think your belly is a garden
full of weeds and stupid dreams
you say "like" too much
but planets orbit your every word
He still has your jacket
go get it
go get it
I will drive you there

Children
God
Science
the 401K
a wife
a whore
a confidant
marriage
illness
the funny
the sorrow
the assholes
the slow drivers
The barking dogs
The payday
The blue light specials
The clean orgasms
jail
parents
superstitions
Wine
Money Clips
Summer Dresses
Its all here
and its all going away
someday

idiot wind

"You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, 
your holiness or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry."

I can't even read this without losing it.

These posts just keep getting more and more sparse. I have just as much to say I suppose just not enough motivation to document it. Kind of a shame I know.

I am planning on a lot of trips this year... including Chicago later this month, Washington DC in April, Denver, Hawaii and maybe more if I can find some folks who want to hang out. Im getting restless in Austin. I still love this town but I need to explore a little more then come back and realize how great it is here.

I've formed an LLC, met with a CPA, opened biz accounts/credit cards etc. I am doing my business for real and its good to have focus. I can handle a little loneliness if this will get me set up for my future. Its all about balance so I am making sure I am still playing open mics and visiting with the few friends I have here as much as possible. And taking said trips. But work is by far the bulk of my day and the isolation can be hard at times.

So yes 2014 is all about balance for me. The identities I used to believe I held are not written in stone. I know of few people with such vastly different interests and lifestyles. I still want to start another band. I still want to take this business further. Who does that? I associate with both types of people and feel like I am not fully a part of either world. This is not a new emotion for me. Forever the outsider. Guessing its more common than I realize. Maybe not.

There's a quote by a guy called Robert Glover. Its more of a concept. He says that whatever happens in your life you should ask yourself "Is this a gift?" Since everything only has the meaning you assign it then it makes sense to see every experience as a potential gift in your life. Of course some things are just shitty and dont apply but a lot of it probably does. My frequent isolation is not a fluke. Its a part of my life. It sticks around. Its a part of my life I try to run from. And maybe its not as bad as I think it is. It might be a gift.

At this very moment I am listening to music, drinking wine and having 1 cigarette for the evening. I wont smoke another. Its my balance. And its pretty great.