Sometimes I lie awake and think about my life. The night is particularly tough sometimes. Self reflection can take some wrong turns when you have hours before you can get up and get distracted. I think about where I am and the decisions that have lead me here.

I think about how I'm not sure I have ever been in love and wonder what that means for me. I think about how I am probably missing out on a lot of life by focusing on the things I choose to focus on. I think about the people I know and admire and I stupidly compare my life to them. I beat myself up.

As much as I would like to be, I am not an optimist for most things. I have a darker sense of the world that my initial thoughts latch on to. Its only after my lifetime of mental training kicks in do I actively dissect the idea as being incorrect or clouded and take steps to see it differently. I don't want to be this way but I am.

Nights like this I feel like everyone has it figured out but me. I know this is wrong but its powerful and it seems real. I worry that who I truly am separates me from the world and I will never have peace. I worry the woman I adore will have nothing to do with me.

The morning will bring sanity to these things. It wont make them go away but at least I'll have a better grip on them.