shallow?

I hate caring this much about this stupid raise.

I'm doing my best to balance my life between being an adult and still maintaining youthful creativity. Its a huge challenge for me. I am growing less and less inspired and it takes more and more to get me in that headspace. Sometimes being drunk helps, sometimes being high helps, sometimes being heartbroken helps but there is no one way to bring about that moment and its for damn sure coming on its own terms.

I cannot possibly describe the feeling but I know it when it hits. Some song, some film, something hits me just so, and i get that tightness in my throat like I can barely keep the emotion under control. The floodgates open up and for a small period I have all these new ways to describe what I am feeling. As I write and try to get it figured out I experience the emotions fully, without numbness or cynicism. Regardless of the emotion its welcomed because its real, and coming from a place in me without fear or self ridicule (even as I write this my inner critic is calling me a sissy).

Its me being as human and emotionally defenseless as I will ever be. And I can see why we create walls to protect ourselves. I could not walk through my day with that level of sensitivity Exposed emotional nerves are bad for productivity.

I have to stop whatever I am doing and just devote myself entirely to the process because its such a rare moment for me and I cant really control its return. Out of the whole thing I might have a verse or maybe just a line that is worth keeping. Sometimes its the bulk of a song.

Then I sort of return to normal and if I'm lucky the strength of the material will outlive the inspiration and be worth saving. This is also rare.

After that its a matter of tweaking for structure, creating logical syllable breaks, sentence rhythms etc. Don't get me started on melody. It becomes a project if you plan on showing anyone and you have to shape it into some sort of accessible communication.

The whole thing is not easy, the emotions sometimes are actually difficult to sift through and its often not suitable for any listener other than myself. Every now and then you have something that you think is worth sharing with people. And then you have to let go of any concern for what people think of it. You hope that for a second or two that person listening gets a moment where it clicks with them emotionally, but you cant really get too caught up with that. Because few will be able to go there with you. Even if you're brilliant, which I am not.

I say all this partly to remind myself about it. Its getting harder to have these moments. And little bullshit like raises, speeding tickets, overdrafts and the like all are poison for the process. And the fact is I have to focus more and more on these things to feel like my life is under control so I get worried that simply growing up is counterproductive to making powerful art.

This has to be a fallacy. Otherwise there would be no artists over 30 making good art. But we're talking about me here and thats the way its starting to feel.

I'm thinking I am also in a bit of a musical rut and keep playing the same damn thing so maybe its a combination of more musical training and taking time to read good books, watch good films and just pay attention to my emotions more.

Heh. Like everything else I guess it just takes work.