lately im either in a fantastic mood or restless and anxious. That's my two choices. No calm middle ground that most people seem to live in.

I'm trying to piece together the reasons I have a constant permeating dis-ease. Restless. From what I can tell on the surface is partly this self employment thing I bring up over and over again. It really puts me in a weird place sometimes. Isolation distorts everything and leads you down some very dark alleys.

Another possibility... I'd like to have a woman in my life. Its not that I don't have options. Hung out with one last night. But like the others, this one is not right for me either and I know it. The last thing i want to be is rigid to the point of never being with someone but these women I have been meeting lately don't feel right. And the ones I really think would be cool are hesitant. Dating sucks sometimes.

Financially Im okay. Of course I have an anything can happen mindset and think at any moment I could lose it. My motivation to really excel and find new clients and other income streams is low.

I think overall I dont really know what the hell I am doing. I dont have something driving me to wake up and seize the moment. Its not money. I know that wont do it. Its not fame with music. I lost that desire a few years ago. Its not hot women. That pleasure is short lived and ego based and usually dissappointing.

Its like all these things are an itch that never really gets scratched. And most people are tricked into thinking that the lack of satisfaction from trying to scratch it means we need more, or some other incarnation of it. Its BS. Theres something else that will satisfy fully and life is the pursuit of that ultimate scratch. Still trying to figure out what that is. I have some ideas.