insatiable

i dont care if I just spent the weekend jam packed with activities and smiling faces, The second I am home alone in this silence of my apartment I get so damn lonely. Its very very silly when I think about it. And sometimes I beat myself up for being such a pussy but after hearing conversations of other people, I don't think I am the only one experiencing this phenomenon.

The fact is I spend the bulk of my time alone. I work with one other employee and we pretty much keep to ourselves all day. I come home alone. I eat alone. I write and work on my side business alone.

And I know some people who think I have some amazing social life. For me everything is feast or famine. I'm either running around like a madman (women, friends, shows) or I am utterly alone and reclusive. Its a strange ebb and flow. The only thing static is me. And maybe that's not so static either.

I think I could use a good woman. I think she could use a good me. But I just dont want to trudge through pleasantries anymore. I used to be excellent at it. In fact my ability to connect with people is one of my favorite attributes of myself. But social environments are growing more and more laborious as I get older. There is an element of bullshit I just dont know if I want to be good at anymore. I long for relationships and friendships that feel important. That make songs better and make me smile with their warm simplicity.