dream

I just woke up from a dream and wanted to document it before losing any of it by going back to sleep.

This dream was powerful. In the dream I was on a date with one of my ex-girlfriends. I won't say which one but it was one of the few who had a bigger impact on me when we broke up.

This date was a simple movie date. We were walking around a mall-like place before the movie started. In this dream I was doing what I usually do... going on dates with several women at once. I recall feeling a little feeling of being into her but wondering about other women at the same time. Basically it was very much like reality for me.

The conversation was good. It felt very real. Little details were there. Small asides we would say. The tiny details of a conversation. We were just walking around being ourselves. At one point I decided to let my guard down and pull her close. It felt good. I then did that thing where you sort of put your arms around her from behind while you two walk together.

She teared up and said this was only one of several times that this has happened to her. How it felt nice. I agreed and explained how I spend so much time alone. I was taken aback by her showing this kind of emotion. It was unexpected.

We continued to walk towards the movie theater. Not sure what happened at this point but basically as we walked the conversation turned and it we began to talk about things in a more negative light. Like the relationship might not work.

I suppose I was trying to make light of it and made her jump on my back and we picked up the pace because I noticed we were late to the movie.

The theater was in front of us now, down a big staircase. I jumped down some stairs and she kind of fell off my back. She wasn't hurt but we ended up sitting down on the steps for a second and talking.

At this point she broke into a monologue I have never heard from a woman. About being in love. And it was the most simple, rational and beautiful explanation I have ever heard. She was crying as she explained it to me. She was gorgeous as she sat on those steps and poured her thoughts out. Quiet. Passionate. Intense. A woman who knew exactly what she wanted from life. I could see in her eyes that this was a subject she had put a lot of thought into. She was talking to herself and me and the same time.

Most of what she said has faded at this point but I remember her describing to me the roles we would serve in each others lives from dating and beyond. The simple roles of male and female and what to expect from each other. What she expected from me. What she promised to offer me. The feelings this would bring each other. How our lives would be better because of it. I was blown away.

We then looked at our tickets and realized we were 15 minutes late. The movie had started. I said we were just in time to miss the previews so we got up and continued down the stairs. I woke up.

This dream was very simple. Yet I am really moved by it. It had an ending which most dreams do not. It felt important. I wanted exactly how she described things. She sold me. I could see myself actually letting myself fall for her.

Basically this was a dream about that moment where everything changes. There would be no turning back from a woman with this kind of self assurance and certainty of the kind of love she wants to give and receive. Sometimes I feel like I need that. To have an amazing woman break through my fear like this.

I'm sad I don't have something like that but happy to know my mind is obviously concerned with it. I was ready to put aside other women. I was ready to be everything she expected. I was ready to see what she could offer me and stop living my life in fear. I wanted to let my guard down and just be with someone. Something about the power of that mixed with your run of the mill movie date gave the dream something special.

I woke up as I do from all dreams that feel significant. Alert. Not groggy. Almost as if I wasn't even asleep. It made me realize how I have had few moments with a woman like that. And its really my fault. I fear caring for someone that intensely and that's no way to live.

Maybe it will happen for me. Not sure if it will be a beautiful monologue like that though. Wow.