art or commerce?

so Daniel and I met with our first drummer tonight. He was a nice guy. A couple years older than me, had his graduate degree and worked for Dell. Played in some cover bands etc.

I have a hard time being constructively critical when people are so nice. Daniel on the other hand laid out good points that struck him as being slightly off from what we need. It was true. Everything he said. We can't settle and this guy was just a dude who wanted to be in a band and play some "tunes". There are at least 8 others that we need to meet with and this guy, though nice, was not really the guy we need.

The first thing you might say is..."well did you play with him?"

And I would be with you on that. But there is more to it than that. An unspoken sort of realization that someone isn't on the same page with you. This guy had it. Maybe we are too harsh but we are going to look further. Another one tomorrow.

One thing that scares the hell out of me is that I am having a hard time switching back and forth between securing my future with a side business and staying creative with this band. It might be a limiting belief but being mister marketer and a creative person at the same time is very very hard for me. The two do no compliment each other it seems. They both detract from the other.

Are these simply limiting beliefs of what is possible or me facing a harsh reality? Am I a fucking poser either way? I know that my heroes have faced commerce and art at one point. I am not even there and I am doubting my abilities to do both. Commerce with my art is one thing but two independent ventures like this are so polar opposite from each other that I begin to wonder if I am capable of both. I don't want to have to choose. Poverty and a world of inspiration or rolling in money and giving up the only thing unique I have to offer the world? There has to be another way. I'm sure people have done both.

We need more hours in the day. I need to be able to live 2 distinct lives, free from the memory of each. I am afraid its killing my ability to tap into my emotions and create. My material is arguably semi-good as it is, I cant lose even more inspiration or I will be reduced to utter bullshit....

Daniel told me that Travis came over to drop off the drums and he couldn't bring himself to talk to him. He said he didn't take the situation like I did. He feels betrayed and pissed off at Travis. I feel the same way but I am trying to be mature. I flip back and forth.

Daniel simply feels abandoned and lied to. He feels dumped. Travis looked him in the eye and told him that he was on board with us literally a month before he left. Its not that he didn't like working with us. We could see he did. He simply cant keep his shit together to keep us a priority. He own life is so out of control and hectic that he cannot afford to dedicate himself to us. He allowed his issues to become this big a thing. Flaky bastard. Though this is Travis' shit it directly affects us and Daniel said he has nothing to say to him.

I understand this sentiment but I also see that the core of this project is still intact. We are more into this working than ever. It will happen. But I don't know how many good songs I have in me or how much I can bring to this band when I feel inspired about 10 percent of my life. I often doubt it even equals a single percentage point of my waking moments. This can't be the life of any kind of artist.